Day 19-30 Day Challenge-'Disrespecting Parents'

Disrespecting Parents

Well, this one is a doozy.....

I am not even sure what it means.....

Disrespecting other parents?

Being disrespected as a parent?

Parents who are disrespecting??

Disrespecting one's own parents?

Let's tackle them one at a time, shall we?

Disrespecting Other Parents:

Don't do this.  Ever.  You are not the be-all-end-all of good parenting, no matter who you are, or how you are raising your child.  Unless you see a parent physically or emotionally harming a child, keep your mouth shut about how other people raise their kids.....Seriously.  No matter how well you know someone, their story, and their family, you just don't know how these people are with their kids when you are not there.  Last time I checked, the Universe did not elect you OR me Grand Poo-Baa of Parenting....if the kids are being loved, and taught to love....shut up.  A*hole.

Being Disrespected As A Parent: 

This is a hard one...I have what I call "my" 4 girls.  There's Little Miss (my first child), CC (my little sister, who came to me as a teenager and turned my world upside down--still does), Kwo (my niece who ALSO came to me as a teen and taught me way more than I ever taught her), and Roo (my second--and FINAL-- child).  All 4 have been 'disrespectful' to me at one time or another, but I deserved it at the time....Being a parent or parental figure does not automatically mean you deserve respect---especially if you suck at it.  The truth is, that I have sucked at being a mom/big-sister-mom/aunt-mom...I own that. 

Frankly, I didn't even always shower.....

So, even though being 'disrespected' by them at various times hurt...I learned something from it.  And any life experience that teaches you something that you carry forward can never be fully bad.



Effin 2Pac...always right...



Parents Who Are Disrespecting:  Yeah...I could write a book about this shit...and probably will.  As Stephen King -- my friggin hero--- says, "Write what you know."  More on this below.

Disrespecting One's Own Parents:

Slippery slope here, ya'll...and something I deal with all the time.  You see, some parents feel that they are due respect merely for BEING a parent...And I don't agree with that.  I love my mother and father very much, but I don't always respect them.  My mother and I have never really gotten along---and just writing that hurts me.  Even when I was little, I used to get told I was a 'smart-ass' (much better than being a dumb-ass!!), 'disrespectful', 'know-it-all', etc....the truth is, I was all of those things.  But I felt justified then, and still do.

 

Sadly, my mother was the victim of some very horrific abuse as a child.  To this day, we can be outside drinking coffee, breathing in the velvety pine-scented air, basking in the California sun, and she will be laughing and relaxed and suddenly start talking about the horror visited upon her by her stepfather....The scope of the day will change, and suddenly she is miserable, angry, and 7 years old; being starved, beaten, and told she is nothing. 

That kills me. 

I have tried over and over to get her to embrace the positive side of life, to explain that her thoughts are her own to control....nothing.  At that point, all I can do is bear silent witness to her pain, and wait for the storm to pass.

As you all know, this kind of thing is generational....so I got hit for a lot of things when I was little.  For asking questions, for raising my eyebrows, for laughing at the wrong time.  I knew it was wrong and unfair, so I did what I will always do in the face of what I perceive as injustice---I questioned it, I pointed it out, and I used my sarcasm to fight it...probably not the best survival tactic, but I am who I am.

I arrived in California on September 29, 1979; so I can say, in all confidence, that I was only 3 years old when I realized that something was very wrong in my life.  That no one was in control of the runaway train that was my life (and my brother and sister's life as well).  I knew that the person I loved the most in the world, the person that rocked me to sleep sometimes, was not someone I could count on to keep me safe.  I don't blame my mother for that....her stepfather makes Joan Crawford look like June Cleaver, and even though I don't believe in Hell, I know that--wherever he is---karma is taking a huge chunk out of his ass for what he did to my mother. 

I am sharing this only to furnish a background....I got over my childhood bit by bit---mainly by being as different as I could from the rest of my family.  I have had the term 'selfish' flung at me more times than I can count--and that's the nice one!  I did what I had to do to keep myself sane, to keep my girls safe, fed, stable, and loved---and I failed sometimes.  But I never said or did anything to deliberately hurt them. 

 (CC may have a different take on that, but that is a blog for another day!)

Yup....If by 'older sister' you mean 'Mary'...

My relationship with my mother is extremely complicated.  I love her, and I will listen to her tell her story over and over.  I never hold my childhood over her head, I have never confronted her about the things that happened when I was little, and I don't condemn her for the way she has lived her life.  But, I REFUSE to let her turn her anger at me unchallenged.  I refuse to let her malign me for taking my sister and niece away from their mothers, and I refuse to let her slag off on the people I love for no reason except that she is angry. 

She calls that 'disrespect'. 

I call that living my truth. 

So we disagree, she refuses to talk to me for a while, and then we make up.



I have an email from her that says this....and also that I am a C U Next Thursday.....*sigh*



Why do I make up with her?  Because I want to.  Because my mother was broken at a very young age, and she still is.  Because I look at Roo, and I see my mother as a child; before some twisted shit got ahold of her and ruined her heart. 

So, yeah, I will continue to love my mother.  And I will continue to put her wild, purple-haired ass in check when I think she needs it. 

If that makes me 'disrespetful', so be it.

I've been called worse.