The Last Argument You Had - Blog Challenge Day 20

The Last Argument You Had

 

 

Super. Easy.






The last argument I had---the only arguments I ever have that are worth my time---are always with Miss Roo.






My daughter, who is 8-going-on-46, argues with me about EVERYTHING.



I know, I know, how fucking special am I---arguing with my child....Wow.  BFD, right?



Except that is not right.  Because Lexi, that's why.



I am going to give y'all a rundown of some of her more infamous moments, as chronicled on my Facebook page so you can see what I am dealing with....

Year 2012:

Conversation at my house last night:
M-Lex, what did you eat at Daddy's?
L-Chocolate cereal!! (She knows I don't approve, and that makes her very happy)
M-Is that all?
L-Yes!!...
M-You better not just be messing with me, because if that's all you had at Daddy's today, Daddy is in BIG trouble!
L-You're not the boss of my Daddy, you are only 37 and my Daddy is, like, 85! If you tell him he's in trouble, he can put you on a Time Out!
M-One, I am the boss of YOU and what you eat, even when you are at Daddy's. Two, Daddy is in trouble if I say he is in trouble, and he can't put me on a time out. Ever. And three, do you really think Daddy is 85?
L-Sure, right? Or maybe 100?
 

While all of my other mom friends were dressed as princesses to match their little knights, or hot Batgirl or Supergirl to match their superhero children......LEXI insisted that I dress like a fat, Italian plumber--only my kid!!

Yeeeeeahhhhh...I did this for her.....

Okay, time to stick Lexi in an all-girls military academy!!
Lexi: Mom, you know that boy Morgan who always teases me? Well he wants to be my boyfriend.
Me: Whaaaat? Did he say this to you?
Lexi: Yes, he said he wants to be boyfriend, but he can't be my boyfriend because that means we will get married and I don't want to get married because then he will 'tiss' (kiss) me and then I will get in trouble. There is no 'tissing' in school."
Me: Well, didn't you tell him you already had a boyfriend? I thought Diego (friend of Lexi's from her first day care) was your boyfriend.
Lexi: Diego IS my boyfriend mom, but I am going to marry him when I am 13 and it's okay to tiss when you are 13 because you are not in school any more"

So it would appear my daughter should have been born in Arkansas.... *facepalm*


Lexi: Mom, can I cut my hair?
Me: No way, are you insane?!? Don't even think about it!
Lexi: .....Oh. Okay....but, well, never mind. I'm gonna go brush my hair now.
**side note: Lexi HATES having her hair brushed --tears, begging, crying (and that's just from me!) EVERY TIME. She has NEVER had any voluntary contact with a hairbrush in her entire life **
MOM WAITS 5 MINUTES.....while checking all of the wastebaskets! ...
Me: (uber casual manner) So, ah, Lexi? Where did you put the hair you just cut?
Lexi: You mean the hair I cut before you said not to? That's in the--(look of horror flashed across her little face) Oooops! Sorry, mom!
**mom palms face**
 

Year 2013:

Lexi: Mom, when I am a little bit bigger, you need to buy me a guitar.
Me: You want to learn to play the guitar? That sounds like a neat idea.
Lexi: Mom, I need to play the guitar so I can learn to be a rock star, because I really am one.
Lexi to Mums: I am a Veggie-tarian (she pronounces this Veg-EE-tarian, as opposed to Veg-uh-tarian), but I eat bacon, ok?
Mums: You are missing the point- bacon is meat, as a Veggie-tarian, you should not eat meat
Lexi: Bacon is not meat, bacon is food
Mums:.....Um, it is a meat product
Lexi: Are you a Veggie-tarian??
Mums: No...
Lexi: Then you don't know about what Veggie-tarians eat, Mom, so just feed me, ok?
Mums: Well played, Lexers.


Economics According to Lex: MOM: No, you cant have all my money. LEX: No problem, I will just break out all of my teeth and get a million dollars from the Tooth Fairy, and I wont share any with you!


Soooooooo, Lexi.
She has been hitting me lately.
When she is mad.
HARD.
On the phone with Daddy, she says she will not do it anymore. Then they have a nice talk about his motorcycle, her new school, life on The Ridge, etc....
Wrapping up the call, he reiterates that hitting Mummy is not the thing to do.
"What would you do if your mom hit you whenever SHE was mad?" he asks.
"WELL, " she huffs into the phone, "I would ask her: 'Do you want a piece of me, or something?!?' "
::facepalm::
**Paging Dr. Spock/Dr. Leo Sternbach**

 

YESTERDAY:

Lexi is getting annoyed with me. Sez she has been using my 3-D white toothpaste for a week, and still no 3-D vision. Tried to explain that she HAS 3D vision already. No dice. She insisted that her life doesn't 'look like the movies where stuff comes flying out of the screen' at her. So I went behind the TV and threw a stuffed animal at her face......Now she says I am a bad mom. There really is NO pleasing this child!!!

 

 

Aaaand, a highlight reel:
2014

 

On the way home today, Lexers asks, "Did you meet Daddy online at daddycare.com?" SAY WHAAAAT? "Well, there is babycare.com where you custom-pick the qualities you want your child-care provider to have. Is that what you did with Daddy?" ::Head explodes:: UM, NO. THERE IS NO DADDYCARE.COM, ROO. "Oh...no wonder you didnt find your perfect match."     ::Wheres the vodka when you need it?::

Lexi-isms from October 2014:
"Moooo-ooom, my hooker is choking Funshine Bear" (she was using a straightened out wire hanger to pull her Care Bear off of a high shelf)
While I was whistling and calling desperately for my retarded dachsund to come in from the woods so I could get Lexi to school on time: "Mom - just be quiet and listen for his ding-dong" (she meant the jingling of his tags!)

As we were headed out the door in the morning: "Are you going to wear pants with that?" (I was wearing a dress over tights) "I don't need pants, Lex, it's a dress", sez I. "That's a dress? It looks more like a shirt to me"
And, finally, on Halloween: "Mom, you haven't brushed your teeth yet" (as I was putting her into bed). "That's because I am going to eat some of your candy while you are sleeping" "You better not - I will run away and then you won't have anyone to steal candy from...you don't even have a boyfriend or ANYTHING"
.............Oh my.

 

Now that you know a bit about the person I am sharing my life with, let me defend myself against all of you parents who effortlessly toss out bullshit like--

"You don't argue with your children.  Just lay down the rules firmly and gently, and discipline them when they don't obey.  No need to descend to their level."
Whatever.  And Fuck you, by the way.

Even though Lexi argues about everything, I will ALWAYS descend to her level.... 

Even though it's not silly stuff about what she is NOT wearing to school or having for lunch, but stuff like this:

"Why do I have to go to bed at 8:00?  That's too early!"
"Because you are 8 and you have to get up for school"
"Well, you have to get up to GET me up, which means you need to go to bed at 8 too."
"No, I am a grown up and don't need as much sleep as you do"
"Well, you always tell me you are too tired to do stuff and that I have too much energy.  So, I don't need to sleep, YOU do.  I will stay up later, because I am younger and have more energy--you are old and need your rest."

 

 

So, yeah, how do you argue with that?  I mean, I DO argue with that, and always feel like I come off the loser.  Does that make me a bad parent?  I don't think so...  I know it doesn't make me a Martha-Stewart-let's-bake-cookies-in-matching-aprons-and-make-Xmas-decoraions-out-of-used-coffee-filters-type parent, but I think I am doing ok with this kid.

 

 

She is wild and funny and curious, and I let her BE that kid.  I play in the mud with her, tell her every single damn day how much I love her, I let her ask me 250 million questions a day, watch the same movie 4,000,008 times in a month with her, and smack her upside her rump when her sauciness boils over into shittiness...

 

And, yes, I DID just say she could be shitty.  Look, kids can be douches sometimes, and any parent that says that I am an A*hole for saying that can go kick rocks.  Kids are little savages.  Sometimes I let mine be a savage, and sometimes I put her wild ass in check....

 

 

 

So, yes, I choose NOT to argue with friends or family or other random dumb-ass people, and only with her, because this:

 

*squeee*

 

 

 

I will argue with my Roo-Boo til I am blue in the face, but I will never make her feel small, unimportant, or unintelligent.  And if that means I have to argue with her to remind her who is the boss (her, of course), but also allow her to express herself, so be it.  Because she is worth it.