Again, it is the Russians -- alert Mueller!
Anyway, I noticed that I have posted 99 blogs...which means THIS ONE is the 100th.
Kind of momentous, no?
Actually, NO.
In 4 years, I have posted 100 times, which means I am a HUGE slacker -- do the math yourselves, I am too fat and tired to do it on my own..
For fun, let's compare then and now....
Four years ago, I had just moved back from California.
I was: skinny, tan, happy, single, living with Jim in a mutually-satisfying very platonic, co-parenting sitch. I was in love with one person, somewhat enamored with another one that I was having semi-regular sex with, and totally OK with the whole thing.
.
I was working somewhere I hated. I was doing the best I could with Lexi, I had some really good friends that I never saw, and I was obsessed with Ryan Gosling.
Fast forward 4 years...
I am:
Fat.
Pasty.
Prone to random anxiety attacks where I feel like my heart is simply going to BURST in my chest. It happens when I have too much coffee on an empty stomach in the morning, but it is AWFUL! I have never had them before 2016, and I literally WOULD NOT wish them on my worst enemy,
Still in love with one person. Gratefully broken free from the other (sorry, TC, but it HAD to happen!)
I LOVE MY JOB. I have the best tribe of friends, near AND far. Ryan Gosling has been replaced with a Jason Momoa obsession that is somewhat troubling. (Paying $200 just for a pic with him next month, yo - can we SPELL 'desperate spinster'?)
Also, I now have 2 of the most ridiculously adorable, snuggly, silly, fluffy babes in the world to love on. My little sister -- who is my best friend, my biggest advocate, and the most real critic of calling me about on the HEAPS of bullshit I use to obfuscate the real world about my life, had 2 babies in 16 months, and widened the joy in my heart by 2,000,000%. If I didn't have my little Harlow Grey Evelyn, I may not have made it thought the summer of 2016.
Because of this:
Biggest change ever is that I don't have my wing man.
My "got-your-six".
And my daughter has no father.
I am a single mom. so I guess I join the ranks of a lot of women whose children have no father.
The problem is that he was her BFF, her co-conspirator against my no-TV-no-sugar-no-electronic lifestyle.
Lexi and Daddy were partners in crime, and just had the most special bond ever.
Lexi's dad left us forever in 2016, and it is the biggest thing that has happened in my life besides the births of my 2 children and the death of my BFF my Junior year in high school, and the birth of Harlow Grey and Weston James.
I don't think I have fully been able to process losing my BFF. And I know my little girl has not, although we are both trying mightily.
So, yes, I am super different now than I was the day I started this whole mess...
And I do mean MESS.
I have had employers tell me how much they loved this blog...like, WHAT?? I literally wrote about all of my drug-addled experiences, not to mention my raging promiscuity.
I have had my favorite child (not Lexi, FYI) call me out on my sex life (EW!) after reading this.
I have had good friends analyze me based on what I share here; ummm, NO, I am not "afraid" of my feelings, I just don't have any! Deal with it.
I have had family members chastise me or try to make me feel guilty for sharing my truth.
Through it all, I have found it is really fun to write, get my thoughts out, and share things that I have had people (not the Russians, obvs) tell me resonated with them. (Although I DO wish you would comment on the blog and not PM me, as comments help with the monetizing side! HUGE hint)
Anyway, I legit do not have anything special to report on this 100th blog.
I am still me.
I am still writing and working and struggling to be the best version of myself.
I fail daily.
I don't always measure up to the person I ask myself to be when I wake up in the morning.
The thing is this...
I am still here.
I am still doing my best, even when I fall short of my own expectations.
Here is where I am today.
I love my friends.
I love my tribe -- a group of powerful, crazy, hilarious people that came to me as a direct result of losing Jimbo.
I love my girls from NUHS....so much, and can't wait until 2023 when we are all together again.
I love my family, even the ones I can't even begin to comprehend.
I love my job, . It makes me mad, sad, crazy, and tired, but I always find one person every day to interact with that reminds me why this is the best thing ever,
I love my girls.
I love....well, you know who you are.
I love Jason Momoa's abs and pecs and biceps.
I don't actually love myself, but I am working on that SUPER hard every day.
So, on this momentous (or not so much) blog post, all I can say is this:
I love.
Lots and lots of people and things, and that really is pretty frickin' awesome.
<3
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| Also, this. Because why not?? |
