Blog Challenge Day...No Effing Idea!!! 24?--What If?

Something You Always Think "What If" About

 

Whee!

 

 

 

THIS ONE.



After about 5 minutes of thinking---yes, I do that!---I realized I did not hate this topic at all. 





At first I was all, 'I must think deep thoughts and delve deep into my life to discuss this one'. 



*Yawn*


You already all know about the various disasters, unrequited likes, and actual tragedies that I wish had turned out differently, so no need to write about that again! 


Then I was like, 'Oh, I can tell everyone about how I divide my time in waiting rooms, various lines (DMV, grocery store, etc.), and in traffic going full-on Walter Mitty and imagining myself foiling bank robberies and doing Kung Foo on random line-cutters and people who talk too loud on their phones in these places.'


 But I don't really want to write about those things, mainly because they are too silly and ridiculous to share....even with you guys!

Also, if anyone got smart with me about me being able to kick some serious bank-robber ass, well....I would have to cut you.



On that note......


What I am going to talk about are the "What Ifs" that are leading me to ever more interesting literary places. 


You see, I am no Elizabeth Gilbert or Wally Lamb or even a  Stephen King.  When I write, it is usually about very ordinary people, trying to do very ordinary things, and being happened upon by some very out-of-the ordinary people and events.  And by 'out-of-the-ordinary', I don't mean psychotic clowns.  Or magical writing assignments that pay one to lounge around in Rome, India, and Ubud, Bali for months at a time.....because, come on now....how realistic is that??



Oh.

Mother. Fuck.

Right.

Beautiful.  Stunning. Hilarious.  Just like Liz Gilbert. READ THIS BOOK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I have been writing up a storm lately, which makes me really happy and is also the reason this 30-day challenge that I started in January is going to be done sometime around Yom Kippur.


I think I already shared the inspiration behind the short spooky story I wrote last month, one I also sketched out a sort-of screenplay outline for as well.....I know, I know! 
(But do you have ANY IDEA how inexpensive horror flicks are to make and how much they rake in at the box office???  If you don't, I would suggest you think about the reason so many poor-quality slasher pics get green-lighted every year.) 
Also, they are super easy to write.  All you need are a fornicating couple (who get chopped to bits shortly after getting it on), an obligatory non-white person (first one to die every time), and a plucky heroine (who flees from the bad guy/krazy klown/ghost in stilettos but still manages to get away). 



See?  Easy-peasy!

These are, like, so totally the perfect shoe to take camping at The Inn at Haunted Lake this weekend....

 

Anyway, tangent aside, I am working on a book right now.  Quite a long one, actually, although I didn't know it when I got the idea.


Basically, I was walking by a McDonalds with an outdoor play structure at dusk, heard a baby cry, and suddenly this girl popped in my head.  15, scared, with a baby/toddler (sibling, not her own) sleeping in the play structure at night and eating thrown-away food from the trash can at night. 


That was it. 



I have been wrapped up with her, her brother, and the discarded woman that rescues them--or maybe the other way around?- for weeks. 


But, it started with me asking myself, "What if someone lived in one of these things?" 


And there we went.

YES!!!!

That is how the process works for me. 

For example:



There is this not-so-great swimming hole on the incomparable Yuba River that I have been going to since childhood.  I went back there after 20 years, and there is some funky blackish algae/moss/goo growing along the bottom of the river. 
It is spongy and weird and getting bigger every year, and I swim over it as fast as I can without touching it (in case it decides to grab me). 
One day I just thought, "What if it was an alien?  And its vessel crashed in the river and it grew there and it eats teenagers that sneak out at night to hang out with boys at the river in the summer?"
(Never did that.  Not once.) 


The story just wrote itself....

So pretty...so terrifying.

 

That's slightly how I write these blogs as well. 
I get a topic---sometimes a topic that I loathe and pace around shouting about until I buckle down and start banging away at the keyboard. 
Other times, I can hardly contain myself, fingers flying over the keyboard, cracking myself up (hey someone's gotta laugh at my material!).  But they all kind of start with the same question:




What If?

What if I am as honest as I can be with this blog?

What if I use this as an experiment to push myself beyond my boundaries of self-expression?


What if some super hot literary agent reads this and decides that geeky little meatballs are his type and decides he wants to offer me a book deal (and his penis, er..... hand in marriage!!) and his super hot twin brother is a Hollywood agent and he options several of my blog posts.  So then I have to write a movie about The Hero and The Whore, and Ryan Gosling is in it and there is a totally rad make out scene and.....wait, what was I saying?




Anyway.  I like 'what if'. 
It has been leading me to some really interesting things this year.


Like this blog, and my book, and...who knows?

Hey, I am ALLOWED to dream....go back to the title, Debbie Downer!

10 Unexpected Things About Me - Day 23 - 30 Day Blog Challenge

10 Things About You People Don't Really Expect

 

 

 

Ugh!!!  This blog challenge is murdering my brain!!

 

Look, I have pretty much already over-shared here, and I honestly don't know, or care much, really, what the average person thinks about me.  Therefore, I am not qualified to list things that most people wouldn't expect of me.  Also, I am sure this is going to bore the pants off some of you. 




If that happens, send me pictures, ok?

 

 

This could get super boring, but I will try to spice it up for you guys......Remember waaaay back when....I told you guys I wasn't going to talk about masturbating?  I might have to change that....But before you get all freaked out about it, I can promise it won't be graphic.

 

 

If any of you are disappointed by that, I bet I can get you to stay anyway....because I am going to talk about porn and boobs as well.

 

 

So, without further ado (because, frankly, I probably could not cram any more 'ado' into this intro), here are 10 things about me that people don't really expect about me.

 

 

1.  I am actually a bit shy.....or reserved.  Or introverted.  Or whatever word means that one feels awkward and tries to fade into the background when one is first introduced to a person, group, or setting.  I have had people tell me they thought I was a snob when they first met me, simply because I was so quiet, they assumed I was snubbing them.  I am shy until I get comfortable, and then--as most of you are WELL aware--you simply can NOT shut me up.  So, no one thinks I am shy...and I always get, "You? Shy?? Get outta here!".  Then I punch them in the mouth, blush, and go back in my corner.

But not really little.

2.  Public speaking is my number one least-feared thing, and if I could make my living speaking to rooms full of attentive listeners, I would do it in a second.  Sadly, I am too funny-looking and rude to be a motivational speaker or guest lecturer--all that bad language coming from a little meatball!!--so I just settle for the moments I can finagle my way into getting up in front of a captive audience and start rambling!  I love it!!

This is my secret husband Chester Bennington, but I wish it was me!

3.  Reading the 2 previous posts makes me look bipolar....And I am okay with that...A*hole.  Actually, #3 is that --for someone with lots of strong opinions, that I love to share-- I can NEVER make up my mind.  I always order last when at restaurants, because I can't make up my mind unless I am under pressure.  Dithering, prevaricating, and being wishy-washy (and sometimes flaky--urgh!) are all part of the magic and mayhem that is me.




Happens all the time!

4.  I am a huge sap...but it's a giant secret.  I have had friends, family members, and boyfriends---especially boyfriends---tell me I am cold, unfeeling, unemotional, dead inside, an Ice Princess, etc, etc, ad nauseum....yawn....I know I can be tough, and I definitely do not like getting super close to people emotionally, but it is because I am a giant, smushy, emotional mushball and I am afraid of people finding out.....It is not something I am proud of, but I will continue to pretend to be tougher than all of you forever.  So there.

However.....I DEFY ANY OF YOU TO WATCH THIS AND NOT GET THE TINIEST BIT MISTY-EYED!!!


 



This KILLS me!!



Also, this:

 

 

I heart trees!!

 

 



And if you laugh at me or tease me about this, I will totally kick your ass with Kung Foo.

 

 

 

 

 

5.  I don't drink hard alcohol.....unless I am drunk.  As someone that talks about drinking and being drunk as much as I do, one would expect that I hit the sauce often and hard--but that is not the case.  Liquor makes me sick.  So I stick to beer and wine.  In massive amounts.  For breakfast.  You know, because alcoholism.

 

 

Little bit.....

 

 

 

6.  This is the most annoying blog post I have ever written.  More annoying than writing about dating.  More annoying than writing about NOT dating.   Even more annoying than writing something that really meant something to me, and having it be the blog no one read because I wrote it and hid it  because I did not want certain people to notice that I wrote it.... I don't need the backlash and drama that would result.

 

 

 

7.  I am sooooooooooooo damn glad I am almost done.  Does that surprise you, since I usually love talking about myself? 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  About 6 years ago, I had to make a pact with the little sister I raised that I would not date anyone more than 5 years younger than me, because it freaked her out that I might possibly end up dating or shopping with one of her friends from high school or something.  And since then, my dating life has been in a total slump......Sooooo, which way to CougarTown, guys????

 

 

Ann?  You coming???

 

 

 

 

9. I am a huge geek.  Star Wars, string theory, quantum foam....I write code and read old  dictionaries for fun, read as much of everything else as I can, and can change the subject from purses and kids to Game of Thrones, Tudor history, WW II or Vietnam in less time it takes the Millenium Falcon to make the Kessel Run. (That is less than 12 standard timeparts -- NOT parsecs, by the way!)

 

 

Woooo-hooooo!!!!

 

 

10.  I like to make stuff up.  So, earlier, when I said I was going to talk about masturbation and porn....well, that was made up.  Sorry 'bout that, but COME ON!!!   Surely you know me better than that by now?  If you want  some masturbating and porn....well, you are on the internet, fool, go get some!!

 

 

THIS is a Porn Star.  With big boobs.  And she looks like she is about to masturbate.  Boom, bitches!! Done.
 

 

 

 

I'm off to bed!!

 

 

 

With THIS GUY!!!

 

 

  

 



Okay, with this guy.  Whatever.

 

 

 

'Night!!



Something That Never Fails To Make You Feel Better-Blog Challenge Day 21

Something That Never Fails To Make You Feel Better

So, I have been AWOL for a bit on this thing....due entirely to me almost opening my sister's boyfriend's trunk, but slamming it shut in case there was a dead body in there (more on that another time!), and then to me walking by a McDonalds and hearing a baby cry from the play area (more on that later as well!).  Both incidents left me with amazing ideas--one for a short story, and one for what is looking like an actual novel---yippeeee!!

Back to this blog, though.....


So, there is absolutely ONE thing that has helped me to cope with the various trials and tribulations of my life, ONE thing that has been able to elevate my mood, my mind, and my soul during any and every self-imposed crisis, and ONE thing that I simply cannot function without.


Music.



Kind of anti-climactic, no?

Perhaps you were expecting me to say religion...family...my children....friends....a sense of purpose, maybe?

Nope.  Music.  That is not to discount any of the above influences; they have all helped me cope and shaped my consciousness in one way or another throughout my chaotic life, but music was there before all that.  And it still is...

When I was young, living on The Ridge, dirt-poor, and dreaming about bigger and better things, I would turn the radio on and be transported.

The soundtrack of my childhood is rather diverse.  There was a lot of Beatles, Eagles, Stones, Creedence, and a bunch of other stuff that you probably saw on a Freedom Rock commercial in the '80's.

You either know this or you don't !!!

All of those songs can easily transport me to my childhood and leave me feeling excited, scared, happy, nostaligic, or otherwise sentimental.....except one:

THIS SHIT


The first time I heard this song, I realized that I, as a being, would eventually die, the world would move on, and my life might possibly mean nothing to anyone except the people that knew me, who would then die themselves....this song gave me my first glimpse of mortality, and also planted a seed in my heart that made me want to do or be something beyond this fragile, mortal creature I was....That song made me want to get up off the couch and BE something larger than the Smurfs and GI Joe cartoons I was watching...I wanted to go out and make my mark that would ensure me immortality in the eyes of the world.  I was about Six. Fucking. Years. Old.  Imagine the peaceful childhood I had after digesting THAT!!

Time rolled on, though, and like all of us, I let thoughts of mortality slip to the wayside as I dreamed of other things....luckily for me, there was this totally rad invention called MTV --it is a cable station that used to show music videos 24/7 (hence the moniker "Music TeleVision)-- as opposed to the hot mess of slutty teenagers being bad parents and lame "reality" shows it is today.

Watching MTV gave me a window out into the greater world.  There were all these fabulous people, dancing in the streets, moonwalking, being total freaks climbing out of the tub, writhing around on gondolas in Venice, and being DURAN DURAN!!!!! 

Always

My child hood was a hot mess, and not really something I like to even think about (besides the time I spent in school---thank you Ken, Ralph, Jenny, Sam, and Ginny!!!!), but every time I was down, I would turn on my boombox, twist the dial to 102.5 and escape.  Yes, I danced around my room in ridiculous outfits, yes, I sang (sooooo horribly off key--still do, actually), and yes, I got the hell out of my miserable existence and was a friggin' STAR every day!

As a teengager (read; walking blob of quasi-psychotic hormones), music connected me to my friends, helped me escape an increasingly miserable home life, and provided a soundtrack for all of the loving, lustful, wild, rebellious, and ill-conceived (Boyz II Men, anyone??) activities of "The Best Years of [my] Life.....So Far" (Holla, NUHS!).  When I think about those 4 years, I can actually hear a soundtrack marking my passage through those days......Depeche Mode and The Eagles will always belong to the Three Bimbos (that would be Sara, Nicole, and I--Three Virgins would be a more apt description, tho!)...Vanilla Ice and "Ninja Rap" and "Groove is in The Heart" ("Push It" as well...right Nicole?) belongs to my soul sisters on NU Cheer.....etc., etc., etc....



My girls...20 years after you all saved my life! xoxo
 

Nirvana came along and shook me out of my glam-rock, Poison-GnR-Def Leppard Aqua-Net daydreams, and ushered in a whole new era of noise....

Every phase in my life has a soundtrack....No Doubt, Bush, Tupac, CHer and Celine Dion (always you, Mikey!), the millennium teen popstars, and then the 2000's in which, it seemed, anything would pass as music.....if you will recall, that walking STD Paris Hilton even released an album then!

Music is constantly growing, changing, and evolving---much like us---sometimes DE-volving to utter shite---Kanye West, anyone??  Anyone??  Didn't think so.

Music is so personal, so intense in how certain genres speak to certain people or times in your life, that it is hard to say, "Oh, THIS is my favorite".   Because it is all my favorite, except Kanye.  Black Keys, Black Sabbath, Green Day, Blue Oyster Cult, The Purple One (that's Prince to you knobs that don't get that)....Much like a favorite color, our favorite music and favorite bands can easily be read to mean something about us.....

Maybe that's true, maybe that's not, all I know is that, if I could not lsten to music, I would probably be in a cozy padded room in a "huggy-coat".



But, instead, I am over here drinking wine, listening to Ed Sheeran, and talking to this guy....

Something You Never Got Over - Day 22- 30 Day Challenge

Something You Never Got Over

 

 

 

I have always been super lucky to have great relationships....and I am not just referring to the Dating Game, but relationships in general.

 

Friends, co-workers, lovers, FWBs, neighbors, etc., etc., etc....except 1 or 2!

 

I have been so lucky to have so many fabulous people in my life, and I am always endlessly grateful for those relationships.

 

I have many people I have been friends with since I was a child, and I have managed to stay friends with some amazing people  from different phases in my life to this day.

 

Except one.

 

I have ended friendships that I felt no longer were healthy for me, seen friendships slip away slowly and - mostly - painlessly, due to distance, lifestyles, and other things that happen as one meanders this crazy planet in search of meaning, moments, and money. 

 

Ending relationships is sometimes painful, sometimes liberating, and sometimes joyful, and I have always been pretty philosophical about the life cycle of friendships/relationships/or whatever you call interactions with other human beings.  Always understood that, like bad fashion choices, questionable haircuts, and IKEA furniture, you sometimes have to leave people behind to move forward to the place you were meant to be; and I am usually pretty ok with that.

 

Except once.

 

 

 

This is the story of The One That Got Away.  The one person/experience I will never get over.  The one person that I think am constantly thinking about at totally random times and trying to figure out where this person would be if things had turned out differently.

 

 

This is the story of the Three Bimbos....

 

I met Sarita, aka Bimbo #1, Freshman year in math class.  We talked here and there, were in the same group a couple of times, and she was always nice....a bit loud, maybe, but very sweet. Never thought when I met her that she would be one of the most life-changing friends I ever had.

 

2 years later, during our Junior year, we became friends.  Not just any friends, mind, but best friends.  I really don't know when our casual 'Hi there's' in the halls became friendship, I just know that, all of a sudden, we were friends.  Nicoretta, aka Bimbo #2, I met through Cheer....I think.  Maybe I met her before then, I am not totally sure.  You see, once the three of us became a trio, it felt like we had always been friends forever...and that we always would be.

 

I am not sure which of us coined the phrase '3 Bimbos' (completely inappropriate moniker for 3 virgins who NEVER had boyfriends!), or who decided we should be Sarita, Nicoretta, and Margarita---don't judge us, we were 16!! 

 

I just know that we had the kind of friendship you see in movies. 

 

 

 

Always together, writing each other 3-way notes and passing them in the halls between classes, and lots of shenanigans.  We had crushes on boys and called each other "Mrs. [insert crushes last name here]" when we were not in school, we made plans to go to college together and continue our BFF-ness forward into life. 

 

Shit, we even made each other MIX TAPES.....and you know, in the '90's, if you made someone a damn mix tape, your asses were pretty much married!  We labeled our mix tapes S-N-M Jams (again, clever little virgins making sexual references that had no basis in reality!) and blasted them for weeks on end.

 

S. loved the mall.  I hated the mall.  That did not stop me from accompanying her to the mall whenever the mood, gas money, and me being sprung from the prison of my house struck.  S. would roll up my driveway in her Suzuki Samurai, I would run out the door, and we were off.  N. would either already be in the car, or we would grab her on the way out of town and we were OUT.  Burning down to Sacramento, blasting music, talking non-stop, having the police roll up behind us and use the bullhorn to shout at her to slow down.....that was the life.

 

N. and I. were cheerleaders, and S. would show up at games-not exactly because she was a big fan of football and basketball -- but to whistle and clap when we danced, grab us afterwards, and head off to Jack in the Box to hang out in the parking lot and see what we could see.  Small town, guys, so shut up.

 

 

Probably headed to Jack in the Box...

 

 

What can I say about the 3 Bimbos, and about S. in general?  Loving, silly, sweet, kind.  She had the most beautiful smile, the most gorgeous hair (and she knew it--she was always wearing it down and flinging it around!), a hilarious laugh, and some weird taste in music - or so it seemed to me at the time.  She would blast the Steve Miller Band and the Eagles when I was dying to listen to Boyz 2 Men or TLC, but she loved Nirvana as much as everyone else did, and would listen to Depeche Mode as often as I asked her to.  She would come to school and tell us about how her butt had striped burns from the tanning bed, write me notes to make me feel better when the love of my high school life was being flaky or weird, and she totally is mostly responsible for my 1st child being born, as she loved this dorky goody-two-shoes former neighbor of hers, and pushed me endlessly to 'go out' with him.

The three of us laughed together, cried together, and generally just loved each other....completely and unreservedly.  We sometimes held hands while walking around, and we always said "I love you" when we got off the phone.  We were three silly girls in the prime of our teen lives, we were best friends, and we were golden....

 

She should be standing right in front of that big guy.....

 

 

Spring Break came along, and we had been talking about a trip down to Santa Cruz to check out the town we were going to move to and attend college at, once we were done with NU.  I remember I had already talked my dad into approving it, and was nervously watching my mother for signs that would let me know it was a good time to ask. 

 

We didn't make it to Santa Cruz over Spring Break, because on April 16, 1992, my beautiful friend left us.  Forever.

 

There really are no words to describe the gut-wrenching soul-crushing agony of losing someone you love.  You either know it or you don't.  I'm not going to try to describe what the days and weeks and months after we lost her were like....I couldn't.

 

What I can tell you is this - I think about her all the time.  Not daily, but probably weekly.  I am always wondering where she would live if she were still with us, who would her husband be, how many kids would she have...Stuff like that.  



 

For many reasons, that aren't my place to state here, N. and I sort of drifted apart after that.  Our hearts were still so connected, and the love was definitely there, but the fact was that S. was not there anymore....and that absence, that void, was too painful to be in the same room with.  We still hung out here and there, and we still talked whenever we saw each other, but the simple fact is that the three of us were something larger than life and, without S., we were just us.  Two friends with lots of little things in common, and one major thing that we could never have in common again.  I think it was about 5 years before we could really hang out together and be the same friends we were before, without feeling crushed over what was lost.

 

 

 Sometimes I dream about S., even to this day.  And it's lovely, because she is always that same beautiful girl that never has a touch of glitter in her gorgeous curls (that's grey hair to you mere mortals), she doesn't have wrinkles, and she is exactly the same as she was the Friday I hugged her goodbye. 

 

But it's also awful; because, whether it happens in my dream, or whether it happens when I wake up----there is always that split second when the whole thing slams into me all over again.  It's a different kind of pain than it used to be, but it still hurts.  Sometimes, I will see someone with her hair, or hear a laugh that sounds like hers, and I always stop and look twice....just in case, you know?  And then I am reminded, again, that it could never happen....

 

 

N. and I are still friends, by the way.  We have gone years without talking here and there, but we can pick up right where we left off without missing a beat.  Over the years we have continued to laugh together, cry together, and we have shared in each other's lives from afar with love.  N. and I will always be friends.  I am fairly certain that when we are little old ladies, we will be sitting by some shore at sunset, drinking wine, and probably talking about our grandchildren.  I am looking forward to that, I truly am.  And maybe, just maybe, there will be some time where we can talk about our beautiful S., and bring her into that moment without it being sad, without breaking our hearts again. 

 

 

 

This should have been us....S. would have been the one hop-scotching!

The Last Argument You Had - Blog Challenge Day 20

The Last Argument You Had

 

 

Super. Easy.






The last argument I had---the only arguments I ever have that are worth my time---are always with Miss Roo.






My daughter, who is 8-going-on-46, argues with me about EVERYTHING.



I know, I know, how fucking special am I---arguing with my child....Wow.  BFD, right?



Except that is not right.  Because Lexi, that's why.



I am going to give y'all a rundown of some of her more infamous moments, as chronicled on my Facebook page so you can see what I am dealing with....

Year 2012:

Conversation at my house last night:
M-Lex, what did you eat at Daddy's?
L-Chocolate cereal!! (She knows I don't approve, and that makes her very happy)
M-Is that all?
L-Yes!!...
M-You better not just be messing with me, because if that's all you had at Daddy's today, Daddy is in BIG trouble!
L-You're not the boss of my Daddy, you are only 37 and my Daddy is, like, 85! If you tell him he's in trouble, he can put you on a Time Out!
M-One, I am the boss of YOU and what you eat, even when you are at Daddy's. Two, Daddy is in trouble if I say he is in trouble, and he can't put me on a time out. Ever. And three, do you really think Daddy is 85?
L-Sure, right? Or maybe 100?
 

While all of my other mom friends were dressed as princesses to match their little knights, or hot Batgirl or Supergirl to match their superhero children......LEXI insisted that I dress like a fat, Italian plumber--only my kid!!

Yeeeeeahhhhh...I did this for her.....

Okay, time to stick Lexi in an all-girls military academy!!
Lexi: Mom, you know that boy Morgan who always teases me? Well he wants to be my boyfriend.
Me: Whaaaat? Did he say this to you?
Lexi: Yes, he said he wants to be boyfriend, but he can't be my boyfriend because that means we will get married and I don't want to get married because then he will 'tiss' (kiss) me and then I will get in trouble. There is no 'tissing' in school."
Me: Well, didn't you tell him you already had a boyfriend? I thought Diego (friend of Lexi's from her first day care) was your boyfriend.
Lexi: Diego IS my boyfriend mom, but I am going to marry him when I am 13 and it's okay to tiss when you are 13 because you are not in school any more"

So it would appear my daughter should have been born in Arkansas.... *facepalm*


Lexi: Mom, can I cut my hair?
Me: No way, are you insane?!? Don't even think about it!
Lexi: .....Oh. Okay....but, well, never mind. I'm gonna go brush my hair now.
**side note: Lexi HATES having her hair brushed --tears, begging, crying (and that's just from me!) EVERY TIME. She has NEVER had any voluntary contact with a hairbrush in her entire life **
MOM WAITS 5 MINUTES.....while checking all of the wastebaskets! ...
Me: (uber casual manner) So, ah, Lexi? Where did you put the hair you just cut?
Lexi: You mean the hair I cut before you said not to? That's in the--(look of horror flashed across her little face) Oooops! Sorry, mom!
**mom palms face**
 

Year 2013:

Lexi: Mom, when I am a little bit bigger, you need to buy me a guitar.
Me: You want to learn to play the guitar? That sounds like a neat idea.
Lexi: Mom, I need to play the guitar so I can learn to be a rock star, because I really am one.
Lexi to Mums: I am a Veggie-tarian (she pronounces this Veg-EE-tarian, as opposed to Veg-uh-tarian), but I eat bacon, ok?
Mums: You are missing the point- bacon is meat, as a Veggie-tarian, you should not eat meat
Lexi: Bacon is not meat, bacon is food
Mums:.....Um, it is a meat product
Lexi: Are you a Veggie-tarian??
Mums: No...
Lexi: Then you don't know about what Veggie-tarians eat, Mom, so just feed me, ok?
Mums: Well played, Lexers.


Economics According to Lex: MOM: No, you cant have all my money. LEX: No problem, I will just break out all of my teeth and get a million dollars from the Tooth Fairy, and I wont share any with you!


Soooooooo, Lexi.
She has been hitting me lately.
When she is mad.
HARD.
On the phone with Daddy, she says she will not do it anymore. Then they have a nice talk about his motorcycle, her new school, life on The Ridge, etc....
Wrapping up the call, he reiterates that hitting Mummy is not the thing to do.
"What would you do if your mom hit you whenever SHE was mad?" he asks.
"WELL, " she huffs into the phone, "I would ask her: 'Do you want a piece of me, or something?!?' "
::facepalm::
**Paging Dr. Spock/Dr. Leo Sternbach**

 

YESTERDAY:

Lexi is getting annoyed with me. Sez she has been using my 3-D white toothpaste for a week, and still no 3-D vision. Tried to explain that she HAS 3D vision already. No dice. She insisted that her life doesn't 'look like the movies where stuff comes flying out of the screen' at her. So I went behind the TV and threw a stuffed animal at her face......Now she says I am a bad mom. There really is NO pleasing this child!!!

 

 

Aaaand, a highlight reel:
2014

 

On the way home today, Lexers asks, "Did you meet Daddy online at daddycare.com?" SAY WHAAAAT? "Well, there is babycare.com where you custom-pick the qualities you want your child-care provider to have. Is that what you did with Daddy?" ::Head explodes:: UM, NO. THERE IS NO DADDYCARE.COM, ROO. "Oh...no wonder you didnt find your perfect match."     ::Wheres the vodka when you need it?::

Lexi-isms from October 2014:
"Moooo-ooom, my hooker is choking Funshine Bear" (she was using a straightened out wire hanger to pull her Care Bear off of a high shelf)
While I was whistling and calling desperately for my retarded dachsund to come in from the woods so I could get Lexi to school on time: "Mom - just be quiet and listen for his ding-dong" (she meant the jingling of his tags!)

As we were headed out the door in the morning: "Are you going to wear pants with that?" (I was wearing a dress over tights) "I don't need pants, Lex, it's a dress", sez I. "That's a dress? It looks more like a shirt to me"
And, finally, on Halloween: "Mom, you haven't brushed your teeth yet" (as I was putting her into bed). "That's because I am going to eat some of your candy while you are sleeping" "You better not - I will run away and then you won't have anyone to steal candy from...you don't even have a boyfriend or ANYTHING"
.............Oh my.

 

Now that you know a bit about the person I am sharing my life with, let me defend myself against all of you parents who effortlessly toss out bullshit like--

"You don't argue with your children.  Just lay down the rules firmly and gently, and discipline them when they don't obey.  No need to descend to their level."
Whatever.  And Fuck you, by the way.

Even though Lexi argues about everything, I will ALWAYS descend to her level.... 

Even though it's not silly stuff about what she is NOT wearing to school or having for lunch, but stuff like this:

"Why do I have to go to bed at 8:00?  That's too early!"
"Because you are 8 and you have to get up for school"
"Well, you have to get up to GET me up, which means you need to go to bed at 8 too."
"No, I am a grown up and don't need as much sleep as you do"
"Well, you always tell me you are too tired to do stuff and that I have too much energy.  So, I don't need to sleep, YOU do.  I will stay up later, because I am younger and have more energy--you are old and need your rest."

 

 

So, yeah, how do you argue with that?  I mean, I DO argue with that, and always feel like I come off the loser.  Does that make me a bad parent?  I don't think so...  I know it doesn't make me a Martha-Stewart-let's-bake-cookies-in-matching-aprons-and-make-Xmas-decoraions-out-of-used-coffee-filters-type parent, but I think I am doing ok with this kid.

 

 

She is wild and funny and curious, and I let her BE that kid.  I play in the mud with her, tell her every single damn day how much I love her, I let her ask me 250 million questions a day, watch the same movie 4,000,008 times in a month with her, and smack her upside her rump when her sauciness boils over into shittiness...

 

And, yes, I DID just say she could be shitty.  Look, kids can be douches sometimes, and any parent that says that I am an A*hole for saying that can go kick rocks.  Kids are little savages.  Sometimes I let mine be a savage, and sometimes I put her wild ass in check....

 

 

 

So, yes, I choose NOT to argue with friends or family or other random dumb-ass people, and only with her, because this:

 

*squeee*

 

 

 

I will argue with my Roo-Boo til I am blue in the face, but I will never make her feel small, unimportant, or unintelligent.  And if that means I have to argue with her to remind her who is the boss (her, of course), but also allow her to express herself, so be it.  Because she is worth it.