Monday, December 31, 2018

Somewhere Between "New Year, New Me', and "Same Shit Different Day"

It's the end of what has felt like the longest year in living history,

Literally.

People, how long has this year been??

It actually feels like 2018 has been 365 YEARS long.

A whole shit ton of stuff happened this year, and it felt like it took forever to happen.

I had friends get married, have babies, have affairs, get divorced, separate, get back together, inherit money, lose their job, and basically every major life event that you could possibly imagine.

All of that happened to a variety of people in my life.

None of that happened to me though, because I was too busy in 2018 to have a life.

TOO BUSY.  TO HAVE A LIFE.



When people tell me I should get more sleep, it makes me very stabby!!

How is that even a thing?

I barely noticed as the days and weeks and months slipped by, that I wasn't doing very many of the things I normally do at certain times of the year.  I wasn't doing very much of ANYTHING that I normally do.  I was running all over the place, doing tons and tons of STUFF, but not getting any of my stuff done.

I don't exactly understand why I never say no to people, or why I feel the need to be the first person to bat if I see life throw a fastball at a friend.  I have had multiple friends and family members tell me why THEY think I do this, and their answers are always plausible, but they don't exactly ring true with me enough where I can say, "A-HA! You nailed it.  Soooo, if I simply do X instead of Y, I will be able to completely change a lifetime habit??  Thanks, bro".

All I know is, that in spite of posting on 12/30/17, that 2018 was going to be the year I focused on myself and my girls, it actually wasn't at all.



This is getting a little old!

I think I saw Erica, like, 5 times.  (Not minimizing the epic awesomeness of our brunch at Salty's, kiddo, it was the greatest)  I know I palmed Lexi off on friends and family too many times to count, just so I could do stuff that was not MY stuff. 

Not that I have any regrets - besides getting fat(ter).  I kind of did that on purpose (more on that later).

I had sooooo much fun with my friends this year, and I really don't regret any of the times I dropped everything and stepped in to help somewhere.  I love my friends, I am soooo lucky for all of the amazing people in my life, and I love that I was able to spend so much time with everyone I spent time with.  I even think I made "Taco Tuesday" once or twice, which is a major win for me.


However, it has become abundantly clear to me that, unless I calm the fuck down and just insist on creating a life and a schedule that works for me, my quality of life is going to continue to leave me frazzled, overwrought, and slightly cranky.  Actually, there is nothing slight about my crankiness at this point.  I have lately come to notice that my usual happy, freewheeling-within-boundaries, chill personality has been taken over by this guy:




Sooooo, am I going to become a new person just because of some dates on a calendar?  Probably not.  However, I see no reason not to dive into the tide of optimism, hope, and energy that accompanies this particular time of the year.  There are some things I really want to change, and it seems the most advantageous to embark on those changes at a time when the zeitgeist of this time of year is at its peak.  I have discussed the things I want to do with people I know will (lovingly) hold me accountable, and I am going to jump in with both feet and see if I can address some things that need addressing.

Onto the elephant in the room.  

I am still single.

I am pretty sure I mentioned a few times over the course of this year that it was time for me to saddle up and find a cowboy to ride...with!  I meant with!

Didn't happen.




I kind of thought it was going to for about 5 minutes, but that was a naw.
THEN, something very...strange happened in the spring (not telling)-- I say 'happened', as if I was not a very active orchestrator, chuh! --  that made me realize there was no real reason for me to get involved with anyone, and one very big reason why I shouldn't.

Having decided that, without actually declaring it to the many interested parties (seriously, I get nagged at least once a week for still being single.  Just the other night, my little sister raised her eyebrows at me and said, "You really need to settle down."  I just was, like, "Nah, I'm good."  Didn't go over well), I must have figured the best way to deal with what happened in the spring, and the surest way to make sure I absolutely will not submit myself to the agony of a billion first dates, I got fat.

I wasn't aware of the psychology of why I stopped preparing meals at home and started eating at restaurants and turning Door Dash into my daily meal service (seriously, the amount of money I gave to them this year is obscene -- it literally disgusts me.), but in hindsight, I can see where I literally put a barrier (of fat, yes, but a barrier all the same) between me and the opposite sex, which gives me a perfect excuse to stay single for, like, ever.

Anyway, I am fine with being single; seriously.  I am not so fine with being fat, though, so sorting that out is priority at this point.

As far as the poor, unwitting schmuck I trick into kickin' it with me until 2059...I am sure he is out there somewhere, probably drunk, or maybe just spending New Year's Eve feeding his goats and chickens out in Amboy, waiting for me to show up in his yard. (inside joke)  Do I think 2019 is the year I will finally get my sister off my case about my spinsterhood?  I don't really know, and it's not really that important to me...at this point, I just want to acually enjoy my life.

Right now, that is good enough for me.


Don't worry Neo, your real mom is coming soon!!


I hope all of you have a very wonderful evening celebrating the close of the year, just do it safely, please, so you are all still here when the sun rises on a new, hopefully better, year.



At midnight, when all of my friends are wrapped in each other's arms, locking lips, I will be wrapping my lips around a bottle of Jameson, so I have that going for me....





xoxoxox



PS - Go watch Aquaman, please, so that Hollywood will sign JM in allllllll the shirtless movies in 2019!





Sad But True

So, I’ve been reading Stephen King’s 11/23/63 novel the last few days, and I cannot help feeling personally attacked tonight by it. The book...