Day 5 - 30 Day Challenge

5 Things That Irritate You About the Same/Opposite Sex

Woooo-hooooo!!!  Easy-Peasy, right?

At first I was thinking about writing 5 EACH, but then I figured I would give the fellas a break!

There are soooooo many things ladies do that annoy me, I figured it would be a cake and pie to write it!

#1:  Two words:  Bathroom. Selfies.

Seems legit.....

WHY women feel the need to go into a manky public toilet and take pictures of themselves or with friends, I'll never know!

However, as I started writing, I realized I was actual doing one of the things I disliked most in other women, and that is bashing chicks for being....chicks.

Then I decided it would be so much more delicious fun to take the piss out of men for being, well, men!!
And it goes a little somethin' like this...

#1.  It is too easy for them to get dressed.  Seriously.  Every professional woman I know owns about a bajillion pieces of clothing for work.  Suits, pants, tops, skirts, and sweaters that can be reconfigured any number of ways so that she has an unlimited supply of work outfits.  Most men I know have about 2 suits, 5 ties, and 4 or 5 shirts that they mix and match and call it good.  One of my favorite exes said the only non-jean/T/hoodie items of clothing men need is a navy jacket, a pair of tan slacks, 2 shirts, and 2 ties.  And he is pretty much right.  Guys can get away with all kinds of shit in the clothing department because they are lucky bastards. No man has ever said to another man, "Dude, didn't you wear those black slacks on Tuesday?".  Well, no straight man, anyway.  My friend Wayne is as catty as they come, but he is not exactly a 'dude'--he wears eyeliner and is not a rock star (except in his own mind), so you figure that one out.  Anyway, the point is, guys are lucky when it comes to clothes....fuckers.

...Said no man.  Ever.

#2.  The way they smell.  Wait, wait, WAIT!  Let me finish this before any of you get all weird and judgy on me; read on, because this complaint has multiple components...  A)  Dudes smell fantastic with a little bit of cologne.  Certain colognes - say, L'Eau D'Issey for men - to pick a scent out of nowhere.  It's like the right cologne, combined with the right dude, wafts into your nose, and the next thing you know your ovaries have jumped out of your body, grabbed his face and rammed your tongue straight down a fella's throat....or something.  B)  Dudes smell awful with too much cologne.  Seriously.  I don't go to malls anymore, but several years ago, when my girls were all younger, I was forced to go to the mall a few times a year.  There were these 2 annoying stores -- I won't name them because they suck and they gave me headaches  -- but they would shoot cologne out their front doors and bury everyone in their fug.... There are dudes like that, and I am sure you know one.  And it is gross.  Guys, sometimes less is more--got that?  C) Dudes sometimes smell awful without good hygiene.  Regular showers are a good thing, fellas.  I am sure there are some women that get turned on by the smell of BO in the morning, but I am NOT one of them!

Proven by science, ya'll!

#3.  They get emotionally attached after sex, even though the media has led us to believe otherwise.  There is a general perception in the media, in cheesy movies, and in stupid articles in women's magazine's that broads get all emotional after sleeping with a dude, and they start planning weddings, naming their children, and get all clingy and weird.  Men, meanwhile, are portrayed as these cool customers that hook up, and will run away screaming unless ladies exhibit some self-control and act like it wasn't a big deal, even though their oxytocin levels are through the roof and it is their natural instinct to cuddle.  Bull. Shit.  This myth has caused me more grief than you can imagine, and I wish it would go away.  The fact is that, if you hook up with a dude after a few dates, they turn into these clingy, emotional little joeys that try to take up permanent residence in your pouch.  Pathetic.  I once had a dude, after 4 dates and one mediocre...um...night, call me the next day and ask, "So, are you, like, my girlfriend now?".  The answer, of course, was no---I almost fell asleep while he was, er, at it, so definitely not boyfriend material .  The thing is, once you feed a stray cat, it keeps coming back to your porch, yowling for food, bolting into your house every time you open the door a crack.  Guys are like that too.  What's worse is, once they realize they are not wanted, they turn on you.  Suddenly, you go from being a goddess that they can't image how they lived without, to a slut that they never really liked that much anyway.  Babies.  Which leads me to my next irritation....

I thought you liked me....SLUT!

#4.  The Hero and the Whore.   Long ago, when I was young and cute, and shortly after my divorce, I went on a bit of a shopping spree.  And by 'shopping', I mean 'sex with hot dudes'.  Now, as most of my friends were men at that time, I took a lot of shit from them about my 'love 'em and leave 'em' ways.  Mind you, these shmucks slept with every female friend of mine I brought around, most waitresses at any bar we went to, and their  pager numbers got passed around (I told you it was a long time ago!) more than Charlie Sheen's schlong at the Playboy Mansion.  I am sure most of you have a male friend that gets a lot of action, and I bet a lot of people throw words like 'stud', 'lucky bastard' 'Sir Dicks-A-Lot'.  
Granted, I am sure some of you may give him a hard time, but the majority of his friends probably think he's a fucking hero.  Now, I bet that some of you know a female that will sleep with a dude if she feels like it, and may or may not call him after, based on how it goes. (Someone besides me, a*holes, I don't do that anymore!)  I bet you that she does not get called any name that implies that she is totally rad for pulling in all that D.....  Am I right?  Slutty, tramp, ho, slut, whore....all words that get tossed at women that conduct themselves as men do in the bedroom.  (Sadly, most of the vitriol comes from other women, and less often from men, but that's a blog for another day!) SO, yeah, it annoys me that dudes get away with that shit....

Sad.  Just sad.

#5.  They are so much more fun to hang out with than women.   I always had female friends growing up, but, after my divorce, it seemed like I made friends with men far more easily, and that these friendships were simpler, more fun, and less stressful than friendships with women.  That has been the case for me for nearly 20 years.  Guys don't want to dissect every text their girlfriends sent in the last 2 weeks, guys don't worry they will never get married, have children, or lose 10 pounds--at least not out loud.  Guys usually don't point out that you have gained 10 pounds, or spend entire nights out sharing every single thing their 2 year has done since you last hung out.  Most of the time guys talk shit about their friends, it is right to their face, usually involves slagging off their mothers, and they don't usually take it too personally when it happens to them.  They aren't competitive about shoes, handbags, or hair; and they have no problem talking about sports for half the night, even if there are hot chicks across the room that need flirting with.  I have found they tell better jokes, they can just be present and hang out, instead of worrying about all kinds of crazy stuff, and when they get drunk, you never have to worry about them crying---nothing worse than a crying, drunk female.  I love guys.  Love them, love them, love them.  But I miss girls.  Or, I miss the idea of hanging out with girls....but maybe I watched too much Sex and the City back in the day.

This is what chicks do when they hang out, right?

Well, there you have it.  5 reasons men irritate me!  I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it - this one was the most fun yet...AND, I am now calling my slutty male friends 'Sir-Dicks-A-Lot'---because it's rad!! 


BONUS LEVEL:

One final thing that irritates me about men....

You're not all THIS GUY!

Cheers!