The reason I haven't been talking (blogging), is that I have been DOING.
I have been soooo frickin' busy doing "stuff", that I have literally not had any time to log onto this page and write.
I finally decided what my "Magnum Opus" was going to be about...or WHOM, I should say. I decided it was time to give Old Jimbo his moment in the sun, even if it is fictional AF.
I have been desperately living, running around all over town dropping off, picking up, watching, playing, cooking, cleaning, and frantically trying to memorialize my best friend in print -- the way he should be remembered.
Which leaves me little time for this, my mental jerk-off (sorry, guys, but it is) place.
So, here is what has been going on...
Numerous friends getting married -- which means buying gifts, buying dresses with unflattering hems; buying, buying, buying.
Numerous friends getting divorced -- which means buying and making freezer meals, buying cards and "pamper yourself" gifts; buying, buying, buying.
Numerous friends launching Direct Marketing businesses, which means spending money on face masks, spending money on supplements; spending, spending, spending.
Numerous friends having babies, which means spending money at chain stores I would otherwise never set foot in, spending money on diapers and clothes and lotions, unguents, and wipes; spending, spending, spending.
Meanwhile, it is already FUCKING JUNE, which means the year is halfway over (already?!?!? WTF!!!), and I have missed my "I promise I will have a boyfriend by Summer" date, which I pledged to friends, family, and my Little Sis (who is both and a whole lot more!), so I would stop being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, wheel at events, and no longer be caught shamelessly making out with the keg in the background of everyone's "Insta" pics at events.
Sorry about that...
I'm actually not, though, which is where I toss out an "Insta-ready" hashtag -- #SorryNotSorry
I really meant to get a permanent BF this year...HONESTLY!
You can ask Little Sis, I even recklessly swore that THIS summer would be different, and that I would definitely not be the odd person out at every 'family' event, where everyone is coupled up and holding hands, fondly watching the kids play and speaking some crazy insider couplespeak while I surreptitiously pounded an IPA and a Marlboro Light behind the fence on the pretense of walking the dog...
I failed, though.
Sorry, Little Sis.
Here's what happened....
I literally MEANT to get in a relationship this year. Honestly, I did.
In spite of what you may have heard from...oh, EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME, I am not an "Ice Queen", "Ice Princess", or even "Afraid Of My Feelings".
I am simply careful.
FULL OF CARE.
I have a child that is...well, difficult would be an understatement.....check THIS.
The fact is, she had a wonderful father that she was BFFs with -- a father that did everything for her,a father that made her the center of his universe, a father that constantly conspired against my non-materialistic, no soda, no food-coloring, no Red Dye # 5 ways with her allllllllll the time, and made her feel like the most special person in the world. Which she is, obvs, tied with EJ, SMS, CL, ERH, HGEH, and WJEH.
He died very suddenly. So quickly, that it was like someone ripping a rug from under her feet.
She isn't over it, none of us are.
So, as much as I would dearly LOVE to be getting regular shagging from someone that I like, respect, and --YES -- love (I AM capable of it, I swear!), I refuse to settle.
I literally can't.
Because I have a little lady that is looking at me, trying to find her place in the world without the person that was her center...
I suppose I could settle for someone that is fun in the sack, someone I have no common interests with, someone that doesn't know how to dig in the dirt, or milk a goat, or scrape chicken shit off his feet every single day, because chickens and farm eggs are the best thing ever. Someone that doesn't understand that I HAVE to drop everything and run to my friend's house because her sitter cancelled, or her dog got run over, or her boyfriend is a misogynist asshole, or her dishwasher isn't working and I know I can fix it.
I suppose I could settle for someone I can discuss politics, the economy, socialism, fascism, Harry Potter, Batman, Stephen King, South Park, football, baseball, hockey, (but NEVER basketball -- unless we are talking King James), AND The Kardashians, but not be even remotely physically attracted to.
I suppose I could settle....
But, I won't.
It's not like I think I am a prize, BTW.
I am. like, 22 pounds overweight. I have a double chin that has 2 fluffy stepchildren. Also, my spare tire, love handle, etc, is almost one the verge of outpacing my (glorious -no joke, LOOK at them) boobs.
I have a neck that -- while it hasn't descended into a full-on turkey-wattle-- looks like someone used a wire as a ligature, leaving a giant crease.
My nails are short, broken, and frequently junky-looking, due to my frequent bouts of gardening.
I keep forgetting to dye my hair, which means my Bride of Frankenstein streak pops out at least twice a year.
All of that adds up to this --- here it is, FUCKING JUNE of 2018 and I am still single, in spite of my promises to the contrary.
I don't have a husband, fiancee, boyfriend, FWB, or even a maintenance pal...
And I am totally okay with that.
So you must be as well.
UNLESS you are:
A) A farmer with goats, chickens, a YOOGE garden, and a propensity for wrinkly fat chicks with greying hair,