Just like that, half of my life is gone.
So, now that I am looking ahead, I am trying to figure out what the heck I am going to DO with myself.
I don't really have a 'bucket list', but there are definitely some things I NEED to do....Santorini, Rome, Amalfi, Ryan Gosling.....
Okay, maybe not that last one, I am actually trying to be realistic here.
I need to go visit my wife in Australia.
I need to go skydiving.
I need to on a road trip that takes me to the 4 museums that have the dinosaur exhibits I most want to see.
I need......Oh, jeez, just way too much stuff.
I suppose I could have said "want" for the above items, but they feel a little more important than that. In fact everything I feel like I need to do in the next 42 years is an actual need, simply because they are things that my life would be boring and unfulfilled without.
(And, yes, I realize the fact that I haven't done any of those things thus far means that my first 42 years can, technically, be deemed 'boring and unfulfilled' -- sigh -- let's not go there just now, ok?)
If you were to compare my life to the seasons, I would say I am at the end of my summer, looking forward to a fantastic autumn...and hoping winter doesn't suck!!
Since fall is my favorite season ever, I am excited about what this next stretch of my life will bring - like 42-63 is going to be epic and full of me doing everything I ever wanted to do but couldn't because ALL THE GIRLS!!! Seriously, I have been raising females--5, and not all together, but one after the other after the other -- for a CENTURY and they are expensive as hell, as well as time-consuming, soul-destroying, grey-hair-inducing, etc., etc., etc.
To be perfectly honest, I have never been a 'planner'...I am sure some of you are just so shocked by that, right??? ::::crickets chirp::::
Seriously, though, I have always been a sort of 'lets-do-this-and-then-that-and-see-what-happens' kind of a person, and, while I have had a lot of fun, I am starting to think that MAYBE that may not be the bet way to handle the next 42 years.
The question is, though? How do you get there from here?
UGH!! This kind of serious stuff is the kind of 'deep thinking' that I avoid whenever possible, which is probably why I always feel like an awkward teenager around my friends that are married and settled down and responsible and acting....well, grown up.
I can very easily sit here and say that I want to chuck it all in and go raise goats and chickens on a farm far away from humans, because that is the truth and I think about it every day. Like, Every. Day.
I love my job, even on days when I hate it, and there is a red carpet totally rolled out for me right now. Literally all I have to do is keep my tiara on straight and wave and smile as I walk down it without tripping and falling on my fat face, and I will be in corporate nirvana for the next 20 years. And I can very easily say that I totally want to do that as well.
That is, of course, the story of my life.
I want this AND that...or maybe just this, or possibly that.
I know people that say, "Oh, you are just being a Libra, and they are notoriously wishy-washy.' I would loooooooove to accept that, as it would abdicate me from alllllllll reponsibility for being flaky, ambivalent, and kind of immature.
However, Librans do not believe in astrology, so I suppose it is just one of my (numerous) character flaws.
I am like that about eeeeverrrryyyything, though.
I like being thin and having abs and arms that don't continue moving after I have stopped the hand-waving, but OH MY GOD CHEESE AND BREAD AND PASTA AND STEAK AND CHOCOLATE AND BEEEEEEER!!!!
I would also very much like to have a boyfriend, as I have been single for FIVE YEARS AS OF THIS VERY DAY. It would be super nice to be hugging a DUDE instead of the keg in all the party/holiday/BBQpictures. It would be super nice to have sex on a regular basis instead of scrolling through a list of FWBs and trying to figure out which one will be the least offended if you tell them they can't come in your house so you're gonna have to do it in the driveway in your car--KIDDING!!! Sort of. And, by 'sort of' I mean 'not kidding at all'. Except I am. Maybe.
ANYway, while being in a relationship sounds like a good idea right now, I also have to consider the fact that in the next 18 months, my child will be transitioning from elementary school to middle school, from tween to pubescent pre-teen, AND my job is going to get exponentially more demanding and time consuming....so should I even bother? (Also, there is someone I am GOING to get naked with at my earliest opportunity, so is it fair to start dating someone that is NOT that dude and then dumping him once the opportunity....er....rears its head? SORRY I HAD TO!!!!)
Sometimes the sheer annoyance of being inside my own head makes me question the advisability of staying alive until I am 84.....
Also, in case you were wondering, I don't actually have a wife in Australia. In fact, I think she is marrying some giant, sexy, muscle-bound stud sometime very soon....but that doesn't negate the necessity of the trip.
So, yeah, this is where I am mentally at this point. Which is the same point I was at yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.......also last year and the year before that.
Kind of at a loss as to what the next step is for me, simply because I have a few too many options at this point, and I am a total spaz about being grown up, responsible, and consistent.
Soooooo, I am starting this groovy life experiment tomorrow--no, it's not Whole30...or is it Whole 30 with a space?--it's something entirely different, although it does happen to be a 30-day thing, and I will probably check in here from time to time to discuss it and if it is working or if I flaked on day 4 (most likely outcome) or if I ended up living on a farm with a sex maniac that does dishes, and has a pack of goats and chickens and a pet fox.
Although I will really just be logging on here to give me an excuse to Google 'shirtless Ryan Gosling'...
But you knew that already, right?
|Like you wouldn't eat lasagna off those abs....DON'T LIE!!|