Two Wrongs Don't Make A Writer: 30 Day Challenge Day 12

Things You Want To Say To An Ex


Tragic.

I don't know how this is going to work.

As I already covered this in Day 2's Challenge, and I am just going to quickly point out here, I am on excellent terms with most of my exes.....the 2 that I am not on good terms with are dumber than a box of rocks, and the other one I am not good on terms with was nice, but I slept with someone behind his back and he pretty much hates me...if he thinks about me at all.

So, yeah, anything I need to say to my exes, I can and do....Except for the 2 ass clowns who....yeah, yeah. you get the point. Anyway, I am having a hard time deciding what to write...I don't really have an ex to whom I want to say anything special enough to blog....

Also, there are couple of 'exes' that I can't really talk too much about, because their stories are not just fun stories for my blog--there is a lot going on there, and people could get their feelings hurt....

Although...I just realized that this could be a wee bit fun--as long as I don't name names!! So, yeah, forget what I said earlier......I guess I can say some shit to my exes; I am just going to number them instead of name them---to protect the not-so-innocent---and this could be fun!

Ahem.. Here goes:

#1. Oh, you. I will always remember how I spent most of high school completely nuts over you.....I don't remember how many days into Freshman year it was that you handed me a note that said "To You ?" on it, but you have pretty much owned a piece of my heart since I sat down in my living room and read it. You will always be my 'Jake Ryan/Lloyd Dobler' guy; although my love for you has changed over the years, and evolved into something a little less fraught and a little more friendly--you will always be special to me.

He never did this, but he made me feel JUST LIKE THIS!!

#2. Sweet, sweet, funny boy....you are all grown up now, and I cannot believe I did not manage to see you once in the last 18 months....another time, I guess.

#3. You suck at everything, and I hope you know that there is a special place in hell for arrogant toe-rags that think they are better than most of the people in the world and the 'chosen one'...Motherfucker, you are not Harry Potter (although I wouldn't mind throwing hard/sharp objects at your head and leaving a scar there!), so you best gain some humility and human decency and apologize to...oh, pretty much everyone in your family, or you are going to die alone....and no one will give a shit!!

#4. I don't know if you really qualify as an ex, handsome, although we spent almost 4 years bouncing in and out of each others orbits. You made my early 20s a blast, and I can never smell SoCo or Aqua DiGio without thinking of you---you also taught me why it's not wise to bust out cameras when you are drunk and naked!! You also taught me why it's not a good idea to date people you work with---thanks, pizza, you taught me a lot!!!

#5. Um...yeah...sorry about that..........................

#6. You are so rad!! Totally stoked about all of our totally cinematic BF/GF moments...you are getting your very own blog post at some point in the future because you were one of the best boyfriends in the history of the universe, AND you introduced me to the magic of being a Red Sox fan---6 years before they won the World Series for the first time in 86 years!! Thanks for going to the midnight releases of Star Wars with me, and for always buying me books instead of useless crap, AND for sending my gay BFF yellow roses on Valentine's Day---you are fucking awesome, D, and definitely my most favoritest...


I cried like a little bitch...not ashamed!

#7. Shiftless Bastard....let's see....you used to steal my lunch even though I was your boss, made me buy you and your housemate toilet paper because you didn't want the hot chicks at Fred Meyer to imagine you pooping, and you have no goddam authori-tah!!

Still mad I wasn't your best man, you little a*hole!!

Seriously, you are the coolest mother effin boyfriend I ever had and I am so glad we are friends. You totally lucked out in the babe sweepstakes, and your wife is way hotter than you deserve, but I guess it's because you are a halfway decent guy....or something. Anyway, you fuckin' Mule, I think you are totally tits, and I always will. You better call me soon, or I will come at you like a wombat!! Caliente!!!

#8. Haha, you are so dumb!! I will never forget how embarrassing it was to be watching Fox News' 'Idiot of the Week' segment and see you on the NATIONAL FUCKING NEWS because you got drunk and stuck your pet rattlesnake's head in your mouth on a dare. **That's right, ya'll, I will say that again*** "...you got drunk and stuck your pet rattlesnake's head in your mouth on a dare." (seriously, folks, I am not even making this up!!) I am glad the paramedics arrived and gave you an emergency tracheotomy and got you to the hospital and you didn't die....I am sure your (is it up to 3 now??) illegitimate children would miss you. PS - hope that huge tattoo of my name that you got on your arm after 6 weeks of sex came off, or at least got covered up ok!!

#9. Dude, you kick ass. One of my best friends, hands down, and I am going to kick your ass if you don't take better care of yourself---some little girls need their dads around to walk them down the aisle and shit!! I am going to make sure you live to be 100, even if I have to nag you every day from now until then and pour kale juice into your Jack and Cokes!! :)


Roo needs it!

#10. TC, WP, BFG you are my longest non-relationship----7 years--and that is ok with me!! Um....I kinda wrote a blog about you a few days ago, and I don't know if you read it or not, but I think I made you sound a little more rad and a little less egotistical than is real....Oh well, please take off your clothes so we can discuss this further. K, thanks, bye!

#11. Dear Crack Monkey.....I am not sure whether or not you were on drugs the last 3 months we were together, but I can only hope that you were secretly putting drugs in my Starbucks the whole time we were dating....otherwise I would have to accept the reality that I chose to date you for 2 years....and that makes me a total fucking dumbass.....I have been single since we broke up since I clearly haven't a single shred of judgement---as evidenced by my involvement with you. That actually makes me sad...not because I want a BF, but because I don't trust myself to not know a diamond in the rough from a lump of shit in a pile of glitter.

I hope I never have to see you again, unless it is reading about you in the Darwin Awards. Seriously. Now go fuck yourself.


He asked why he was one of the only exes of mine that I couldn't be friends with...here's why, ya knob!!

Wow!!! That was kind of fun, and a little liberating, as well...There are 2 people on here that I almost never talk about, nor will I. Their stories involve things it is not my place to tell, but this was still pretty fun.
If any of you know any single dudes out there, tell them to hit me up....reading this made me realize I am totally ready for a BF...But he has to be willing to recreate this TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING couple photo with me!!! JC Penney Portrait Studio, here we come!!!


Seriously, if you want to date me, you have to be willing to wear ChiMo shades, a velour suit, and a parrot and take pics with me holding what appears to be a homemade bayonet!!