Monday, August 31, 2015

From a Fictional Standpoint...You Drive Me Crazy





They called him The Bear. 







 Whether it was because of his stature, the thatch of black hair that covered the backs of his nimble hands and tufted out the top of his V-necks, or his stoic silence, punctuated by roars of rage –when pushed; it was the name all of the thugs, crooks, and thieves knew to invoke when they needed a Driver. 

Any schmuck could sit in a getaway car with ‘borrowed’ plates…..

The Bear had systematically and shamelessly outrun law enforcement vehicles in every major (and many minor) cities across the Eastern Seaboard for the last decade.

Hinckley (in a Reagan mask), sat shotgun, watching The Bear flex his hands above the steering wheel….


Flex. Snap.  Flex. Snap

Hinckley hadn’t wanted to use Presidential masks, and he hadn’t wanted to use The Bear.  His cousin Shawn was a great driver. 


When he wasn’t high….

Hinckley had wanted to wear clown masks like the badasses in the Batman movie.  He also wanted to use someone a little less volatile behind the wheel for this job.  The Bear had a reputation.

For fast driving, yes.

But also for mayhem...


There were stories.

Stories about rollovers, and crashes, and vomiting (oh my!), and one story wherein The Bear threw an unwilling payee out the window into the Fall River on a flooding February day.




Monica (Clinton mask), The Boss, insisted on both the Prez masks and The Bear.

There was never a better, faster, more reckless driver than this Mad Aussie, he proclaimed.
The stoic, silent Bear, turned into a mother-fucking GRIZZLY behind the wheel, he said.
So, The Brotherhood agreed to it.
Sitting in the alley, watching The Bear; Snap, Flex, Snap, Flex……unnerving.  Hinckley could smell his own sweat, acrid with adrenaline.
Suddenly, in a burst of machine gun fire, 5 guys exploded out the back of The First Dartmouth bank, swarming at the car like wasps…
The Bear started the engine of his 2015 Hellcat….dropped it into gear, and peeled out of placid Main Street, penetrating the silence of the summer day with a growl then a shriek…


Nixon, Obama, JFK, and Lincoln threw their bulging gym bags in the car, and then were left in the dust.  Dazed. 

Rolling in the dirt.



Hands up!!!



The Bear felt a surge of satisfaction at the dismay clearly telegraphed through their eyeholes.  

 Monica (Clinton mask) was halfway through the back driver’s window when The Bear  yanked the wheel hard right and watched him barrel roll  out of the rearview.
“Shit!!”  Hinckley screamed. “Shit, motherfucker, this wasn’t the deal!”
He pulled out his Lorcin, a cheap toy bequeathed by a cheap man.


Pointed it at The Bear.
The Bear reached out, broke Hinckley’s wrist, tossed the cheap gun out the window, and reached past Hinckley to unlatch the door.


BYE. Felicia!!!



“No, man!” Hinckley shrieked.

The Bear pushed.  Accelerated.

Drove.


He did not look in the rearview; that was the past.

He did not worry about repercussions.  Why?
He just pushed the accelerator and drove.

Fast.


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Pimpin' Ain't Easy....Or Why I Decided to Start a GoFundMe Account For Someone I Don't Know



I need to start this by saying the following:


Fuck. Cancer.


I have a couple of stories to tell you, so pack a lunch, guys.


Scenario 1.   I had one uncle.  In my Catholic-based, rapidly reproducing family, the XY combo didn't happen all that often.  

He had 6 sisters....and not any sisters, mind, but 6 wild sisters.  And "Sonny" was the cherished boy.  Cherished by his parents, cherished by the wild sisters who adored the one person in the house that didn't "borrow" clothes, makeup, or jewelry.  In a houseful of emotional and crazy women, my uncle maintained a sweet, kind, caring, and laid-back demeanor.  As the siblings went into adulthood, the wild women started having babies with men who didn't stick around.  My Uncle Al stepped in for us kids all the time. 

 He was a surrogate father to vast number (you know the Catholics don't do the birth control) nieces and nephews that were born between 1969 and 1993, he was the sweet brother that his wild sisters counted on to be the Yang to their Yin craziness. He was father, brother, uncle, and friend to all of us.  
In January of 2014, he dropped the news that he had cancer, but that he was ready and willing to fight it.  
He fought for 10 long, hard months.......And then cancer beat him.  He went into the hospital, slipped away, but hung on to life until his biggest sis (my mother) showed up and told him it was ok to go home.

On November 19, 2014, my precious, sweet, selfless uncle gave up the struggle and cancer won......for now.

The devastation of that loss reverberates through my family on a daily basis.  None of us really accept that our sweet "Sonny" is gone.  It's unreal.  The 'girls', his sisters, careen through life like planets whose sun has vanished....clumsily, with no gravitational center.



Walking his sister down the aisle 6 months before he left us

It sucks.

The last time I spoke with him, he reminded me of the sunny summer day that he got his foot caught under water at the Yuba River.  I saw his hands flailing, and swam to him and yanked him out of the water by his hair.  I saved him from drowning that day, but couldn't pull him out of cancer.....

I. Couldn't. Fucking. Save Him.  No one could.

I talked to him on the phone on his last day, he was unresponsive and never answered, but I told him over and over how sorry I was that I couldn't save him one last time.  I told him that I loved him, and thanked him for being who and what he was.  To me, to all of us.

And then I said goodbye.








Scenario 2.  I have a friend that, after a lifetime of fast living and debauchery, was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer.

Chemo, surgery, and radiation brought him back from the brink in a seemingly effortless series of moments.  Colostomy bag, nausea, no loss of hair....it was like he was just dealing with a mosquito bite.

When he got his clean bill of health, he went right back to drinking, smoking, whoring, and partying.....but he has changed.  He has panic attacks, chronic insomnia, and he pulls his hair out in his sleep.  

Because he doesn't trust cancer.  

He feels like he is on constant watch for it to come back, harder and stronger than before.  People judge him for how nonchalantly he treats his second chance.....friends shame him, family tells him the next time they won't show up and rally round to help him, since he clearly is squandering this second chance.....

But I see the reality.

Cancer took away his peace of mind. 

 Took away his sense of invincibility.  

He waits, daily, for symptoms.  He gets up every morning and vacuums the hair he ripped out off his sheets and floor.

He waits....terrified....and self-medicates the only way he knows how.



He waits...





Scenario 3.  About 13 years ago, I had an opening in one of my offices.  My boss sent me this glorious, gorgeous, fine-boned blonde.  She walked around as if lit by some obsessed but skilled lighting technician...glowing...gorgeous, magnificent.

The rest of us looked at her - askance - at first.  Here we were, dealing with the daily craziness of providing housing to people whose previous residence was a box under a bridge. 

 Schizophrenics, alcoholics, and ruined people.  

These were the people we were charged with providing clean and safe housing to.  It was hard to imagine this fabulous, feline, female explaining why pissing in the stairwells and letting their homeless friends sleep in our rooftop garden was verboten

She was a champ, though.  Caring, compassionate, and charismatic, this Denise-Richards-crossed-with Kylie-Minougue-crossed-with-Mother-Teresa stepped up and saw into people far more than I ever could.  Within weeks, all of us were claiming a chair in front of her desk, waiting for her special brand of tough-love and gorgeous smiles.


This is my Boo


Immediately, I fell in love and decided to have a sexless marriage with her.  


Sadly, she was dating some muscly hunk with an Aussie accent, so I settled for making her my secret girlfriend (she doesn't even know--it is that secret!!).  She had a baby with said hunk, and I overcame my fear of vaginas by being present for the birth of her son.  I, of course, stayed firmly by her shoulders and passed on glancing at the mirror provided so she could watch her baby's (rather messy) entrance into this world.  A couple of years later, I tried to emulate her calm, Earth-Mother demeanor as I gave birth to my own hot mess of a Roo.....

I failed spectacularly, of course. 

When my Dr., upon hearing me demand an epidural, reminded me of all of the lame crap I spouted out after watching my Anna-Boo give birth -- about how 'labor' was the 'work' between me and my child of bringing new life in this world, about how I wanted to breathe my way through the birth and have my child as calmly and effortlessly as my brave, brave friend had....blah, blah, blah--- I BALKED!!



I threatened to take a cab to another hospital where they didn't have 'Nurse Ratchets' refusing pain meds to women who were obviously in the kind mindless agony that necessitated a dose of the sweet stuff.

I got my GIANT NEEDLE INSERTED INTO SPINAL SAC, and popped out a feral child, but was always reminded of how I had, in no way, measured up to the calm, loving birth process my lovely friend had provided.

Fast forward a bit......My lovely friend is still in Oz, happily running her own business, raising her kids, and being gorgeous, fabulous, and loving.

Didn't work out with the hunk, but they make friendship work anyway for the kiddos.

Enter the Bear.  Cambo. 



This is Cambo...Smiling through the pain.  Staying Strong. Staying Brave.

He is loving, smart, and supportive, and the perfect partner for my amazing  friend.  She slowly relinquished the ramparts around her heart, and they started building a life together.

Until.

[At this point I need to apologize for the length of this post, as well as the lack of humor and Ryan Gosling pictures, but this is too important for me to allow distractions......stay with me for a mo, it will get more interesting and I PROMISE to put some RG in here--not for you, of course, but because I need it!!]

Read the following post from my love..........

 
May 27th
This is a doozy...long and perhaps suited to readers that have run outa data allowance..and maybe waiting for paint to dry....and more importantly those mindful of the preciousness of our lives...and those we love.
I keep my private life private...except for the few of you that are the 'backbone' in my landslide of a life.
You know who you are...and a million times over....thank you...for EVERYTHING.

Really there hasn't been a lot TO tell...guarded heart and what not...but there has been a constant BEAR of a man in my world the last couple of years...Cameron...
and he is beautiful.
He is strong. He is smart. He is resilient. He is kind.
And he is very, very sick.
A few days into April...he was working..and felt a pull in his tummy...he immediately thought a hernia was happening.
But...like many people...he shook it off...work comes first...no time for days off...yada yada.

Few weeks later...he woke up in excruciating pain in his belly button area. And a feeling of fullness in his stomach area.

His skin was the wrong colour..like food poisoning pale. For once...he resigned himself to my bossiness..and I took him to the emergency room.
Xrays...ultra sound...exams...blood tests...ensued.

Possible hernia...and some sort of 'blockage' in the upper bowel area.
Surgeon decides that Cameron will have the hernia repaired in the morning.
Surgeon felt that it was quite a small hernia to be causing so much pain.
Next evening, Cameron is being discharged.

It was mentioned...through somewhat broken English...that whilst repairing hernia...they found a 'lump' in the umbilicus.
Surgeon had seen something like this before...usually the size of a golf ball...so sent it off for biopsy.

The Friday night later...his phone rings. It is the surgeon.
"I need you to come into the clinic. The results of your biospy have come back. Please bring family with you."
Cam says..."Is everything okay?"

The surgeon replied "No. It's not good."

Tuesday we are sitting in the office.. It is May 5th...approximately 1 month from the first moment Cam noticed something wrong.
The Dr turns to Cam and says...
"You have Cancer."
Well...there ya go.
...we had spent the last 3 and a half days mentally preparing for that statement.
But...nothing really prepares you for the harshness of those words...nor the following.

The umbilicus cancer...was secondary cancer.
Meaning somewhere...there was a very sinister PRIMARY cancer of "unknown origin"...and it was very, very angry.

Fast forward 2 weeks. One blood test done to find cancer markers...one CT scan due on May 21st...one follow up appointment with the surgeon on the 26th of May and a colonoscopy and gastropocy scheduled for June 1st.
May 20 Wednesday.
Cam is shaking...laying on the floor. Something is really...really wrong.
Off to the emergency room again.

Ct scans...blood tests...Xrays...numerous hypothesis and finally a gastropocy and partial colonoscopy...on Friday.
Confirmed late stage metastasized Bowel Cancer.
Now...if you've ever had to stop your child from running into a street...narrowly missing an oncoming car....then multiply that feeling 10 times...and that's the energy that went through my body upon hearing those words.
I looked over at Cam's face...the once amber eyes that had been fiery with hope...and defiance...were now the darkest black/brown...and his face was . ..stoic... Stone.
Without going into too many details over the next few days...he suffered. He had hiccups for days...a result of the gastropocy...and fluid in his bowel.
He was unable to eat any food...
He was writhing in pain...
He was exausted...

No food...no fluid...just pain.

He said..."I'm Sorry"...to me...over and over. Because...he feels BAD that HE got cancer.
A cancer that is so silent...that is so sneaky...that everyday stressors and life...can make you overlook the slightest changes in your digestive system.
It is also...very common to have a family history.
Which brings me to one of my points.
Cam found out this last Monday...that his grandmother had died of bowel cancer.
Monday. Today is Wednesday.
This had never been mentioned to him before.
Had he had this knowledge...he would have been switched on...more sensitive...more aware and quite possibly paranoid about any belly problems.

But he didn't know.
The cancer has taken hold. Apparently there is no "cure". He is now finally in the hands of beautiful people at a great hospital.
Chemo maybe...soon...maybe delayed a month...a month is a long time from now.
He will know more tonight.

But...
He has hope for a tomorrow.

So a few things here...
Tomorrow is not promised...so don't waste time with stressing about how others will react to you living YOUR life. Not anyone's business but your own. If you are not maliciously hurting anyone...LIVE.

This is my Boo II...Sick and Staying Strong
Get your facts straight...ask your parents everything about EVERYONE in your family. These details may save your life. These details may save the life of your babies and your grand babies...
Don't play like you are tough when you are not...a week...a month...particularly in the world of "cancer"...is a lot of time and more importantly...not enough time.
Don't mess around and half ass promise,

"You'll deal with it tomorrow."
You may not get a tomorrow.
Also...love when you can love. And allow yourself to BE loved.
...you may not have tomorrows...but you do have THIS moment.

***********************************************************************************

This is my girl's reality.


I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone that is not named Erica/Saira/Chloe/Lexi/Sara/Nicole/Allison

I love this woman because she is brave and strong and smart and funny.  

I love this woman because she SEES into people and helps them as much as she can.

I don't even know Cambo, but I love him....because he loves my girl and makes her whole.

I made a joke about starting a GoFundMe, and she told me all the reasons they could not have one---mainly because no one has sympathy for 2 independent business owners who can't work or pay bills due to cancer.

So, I say to you, random friends and loved ones--how much can you spare?

Ann and Cam are suffering.

Ann and Cam have a dodgy roof, a grotty plumbing system in their house, a banjanxed car with a jacked-up engine .

Ann and Cam could handle all of this without batting an eyelash, except all their energy is focused on keeping Cam alive.


If you are reading this, I would hope you can take 2 minutes out of your normal, cancer-free life and donate $5....

The cost of a trip to Starbucks, or the price of a lunch at Subway, Wendy's or Chipotle.   

$5.00

So my friends don't have to stress about not working.

So my friends can have a few moments of peace.

So my friends can not worry about how they are going to fix the roof, fix the car, and fix the plumbing.

So my friends can focus on 'fixing' Cam...

If you have $5 to spare....

Do it for me.

Do it for my Anna-Boo.

Do it for Cambo.

Do it because $5 is nothing, but everything to someone I love.

Thanks.

Good Night.

http://www.gofundme.com/9h2kqxtg



PS - Ryan Gosling wants you to donate as well....seriously.


see???  he's so into helping others....


Thursday, August 20, 2015

Who Needs OK Cupid When You Can Go To Jiffy Mart???

OR, Meditations on Why I am Destined to be Alone FOREVER!!! 












Remember when I said I was going to try online dating?

That lasted for, like 12 seconds....mainly because I couldn't think of a screen name that accurately conveyed all of my admirable qualities, yet disclosed the fact that I am a hot mess at this point in my life..

But still.....

It WOULD be nice to have a "significant other", only so my sister's BF and my niece's fiancee could have another dude to chill with....Also, so I could stop being a fifth wheel at our numerous family get-togethers....

However.....

I am not really cut out for raising some other person's child at this point...

And, yes, that may sound cynical, but let's do some review:

1.  I was getting gas at the Safeway gas station after work a few weeks ago, and some beefcake in a muscle shirt (um, it's Vantucky, ya'll---deal!) approached me and asked for my business card....HELLO???  Did I stumble into a warp in the space-time continuum???  Is it suddenly 1996?  I felt like reaching into my purse to make sure my not-so-smart phone was not, in fact, a Zach Morris brick.....






(side note: Ladies---do you remember those random dudes at clubs that had "business cards" that had their name, their PAGER number, and "Entrepreneur"....or was that just me??)

I don't have business cards...my company is in the middle of a 'brand change' and, instead of having lovely teal (who the fuck uses teal for ANYTHING anymore??) and yellow [barf] cards, I am 'eagerly' awaiting my new black/orange/white I-work-at-a-FroYo-shop logo cards.

So I gave homeboy a number that was very close to my cell.  Did I deliberately give him the wrong number? Nope!  I LITERALLY don't know my cell #.  When I finally converted from 530 to 360, I gave TC my number....I know, I know....


As a result, I NEVER use my phone.....just in case he sends me a text, thus storing his number in my phone, thus making it easy for me to drunk text him.....Instead, my cell is ALWAYS dead, which is why I never call any of you....not personal, just self-preservation, guys.




Anyway, I digress....

2.  My boss says, "SCREW THIS, let's grab a margarita!"   Excellent....  (mind you, this was after we both started work WAY too early and finished our work day WAY too late)  Anyway, Rrrrraoul the Bartender (you gotta rrrroll that R!), makes us some rad margaritas and sends us out into the world--side note; we each asked for extra lime juice, food, and water with our cocktails, so no DUI.  I walk out to my car, and some codger with a potbelly, bald pate with a luxurious waist-length ponytail, and A GOLD FRONT TOOTH asks me if I would like to have a drink with him..........He looks about 70 (no judgement! I am 40 and look 50!), and I LOVE the elderly (but I don't LOVE them, if you get my point), but I don't think he wanted to regale me with tales of Iwo Jima and putting the flag up---more like he wanted to show me his circus tent.  I politely told him I had an 8-yr-old to get some to, and wished him happy hunting. 







His response?

"Ahhhhh, you're too old for me anyway."


Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccckkkkk..................Really???

So, the other day, I reminded myself that I now have THREE children to raise (long story, different blog post), and have no time for a BF, FWB, SO, or any other acronym that represents a diversion of my time, money, or energy from these kids.....


3.  Tonight I run to the store.  Grab some necessities, get cash back.  Drive to Jiffy Mart and buy a pack of Marlboro Lights.....(I know, I know, I KNOW!!!  I am working on it!!!)  I walk out to my car and hear some schmuck catcalling, yowling like a cat in heat.  





Of course, I don't look over. 

Why would I?

In spite of the fact I was wearing an extremely low-cut top, thus displaying the magical twins (seriously, they are rad!), I still look like a meatball in a Carrot Top wig.  

After homeboy yelled, "Hey RED!" three times, I glanced over...


25ish stud with a groovy tribal tattoos on his fabulous biceps looks at me, winks, grabs his crotch (who DOES that??) , and smiles at me---revealing a missing front tooth---and says, "Yo, baby, I'm in love."


Not at all like this!

Mother. Fuck.  REALLY???  This is what I get??

4.  I read online about that corpulent, perverted, incestuous fuck-stick Josh Duggar being on Ashley Madison AND OKCupid, trying to find broads to hump him, even though he looks like a potato.....





................................................................................


Really??


5.  Where is Ryan Gosling when you need him?








6.  Imma be single 4EVA!!!


I'm okay with that.

 



















Totally. Not. Kidding.





Monday, August 10, 2015

What's In A Name? That Which We Call a Pervert By Any Other Name Would Look as Desperate

Or, Holy Shit, This Internet Dating Experiment Has 
Ground to A Halt




Yup yup.......



Okay, so I am stuck.

I haven't even managed to sign up on an internet dating website.

For various reasons, I decided OK Cupid was the way to go.  Actually one reason - the smartest, most hilarious blogger on the planet uses it, so I am too.

Or was.

Or might be.

See, I got stuck.  On, like, Step 3.

Step One:  I am a Woman Looking for a Man.  Oh. em. gee. 

Seriously?  It has come to this???  

Oh, well.  Deep breath.

Step Two: Email address.  Whew!  This is getting easier!

Step Three: Enter a User Name.

.......................................................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................
............................................................................................

 Total. Effing. Blank.

I literally stared at the screen for about two minutes.  Mind. Blank.
Blank, blank, blank.

Seriously?  What screen name could possibly represent the awesomeness that is me?

ChubbyOldNerd?

SmartButBoring?


KindaSluttyButThatsNotWhyImHere?

Everyone knows I have a kind-of list of pre-reqs that are non-negotiable.  But I can't just have my screen name be a link to that post....right?  Cause that would be weird.

What I did, was hop on over to Match.com and check out some screen names on there...you can prowl that website for free, FYI.  Apparently, OK Cupid is not so lenient.

First I decided to look at the guys screen names.  

Oh. Holy. Fuck.  

Seriously?  ShyGuy69?  LibraMan69?  LovePDX69?  BigPoppa69?



ARE YOU KIDDING ME????


If you have '69' in your screen name, Im gonna assume you look like this and your cover picture is stolen off the internet!

 Seriously internet dating dudes.....SERIOUSLY????
I decided to check out the ladies and see if they could offer up something other than 69.  

Ahem.


ShyGirlPDX.  MissSassy.  Bubbles4u. LilMizTude.  Dollface77. Hottie74.  SassyNSweet.


Lotsa 'girl', lotsa 'baby', lotsa 'doll'.  And lots of selfies with duck lips.  

Did I miss something here?

Is it 2010? 

Because I thought we all agreed that duck lips are out.  Didn't the internet threaten to stop working if people who are not named Kardashian didn't stop with the duck lips?  


LITERALLY the ONLY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET that can still get away with duck lips.  So. Just. Stoppit.



(Side note, ladies; guys HATE those pics.  Seriously.  AND, duck lips are neither sexy, funny, or even ironic anymore.  You just look dumb.  For realz, there are surveys about this shit and everything.)


Anyway, these broads are my age and they are picking screen names like LittleShyBubbleDoll (ok, I may be exaggerating just a tiny bit with that last one!). 


Ugh!  

I hopped off Match.com a little wiser, and a little more annoyed with the human race in general.



And, still, no screen name.....



'Bout sums it up!



What kind of screen name would possibly convey that if you don't 'get' Star Wars, then we have no future?  Or that if you fill your FB page with pictures of flags and 'Murica! bullshit, I am probably going to puke on your shoes (before I get drunk and puke in your car)?


I am probably over-thinking this -- shocking, I know!-- because, obviously this whole thing is meant to drag me out of my comfort zone and keep me from sleeping with TC anymore/ever again, as well as possibly result in a BF/GF-type situation (although possibly not since just typing BF/GF made me uncomfortable and thinking of ways to leave the country).  So, I suppose I should not spend so much time worrying about what sort of screen name will make it clear to anyone that if I ever get a chance to make out with Matt Damon, Ryan Gosling, Eric Decker, David Beckham, Christiano Renaldo, Simon LeBon, Christian Bale, or Bradley Cooper, I will, regardless of our relationship status, or that I will dick-punch you if you talk shit about my football team, or....well, you get the idea, right?


RG outweighs a  BF any day of the week!



By the way, if any of you earthlings reading this have any suggestions that do not involve the number 69 (because ew) or the "word" (more like perversion) LIL, feel free to post them in the comments....I may just give you a Snickers if I use it...or a BJ, whatevs.


Stay tuned, guys, shit is probably going to get even more demoralizing and humiliating......which, come to think of it, just might end up being my screen name!!


Because GoslingStalker is already taken.


I checked.




This is sounding better and better every day, folks!

Sad But True

So, I’ve been reading Stephen King’s 11/23/63 novel the last few days, and I cannot help feeling personally attacked tonight by it. The book...