The Struggle Is Real

I am supposed to talk about something I struggle with.


Hmmmmm.......where to start?


I fucking struggle with everything every single day of my life.


I struggle with my weight -- I am too short to be this fat.


I struggle with my hair -- I REALLY want to buy 2 $500 wigs and shave my head and rotate these fabulous wigs so I don't have to deal with the barbed-wire-silky-soft-curly-frizzy-wiry-greying-I-do-what-I-want pile of protein filaments jutting from my scalp that bring me grief on a daily basis.


I struggle with my parenting style.  Am I really creating a human that can go function in the world?  Or am I fostering the next megalomaniac being that brings humanity to its knees?  (With Roo, one can never be sure).




My biggest struggle though, is intimacy.


I know how to have sex, trust me, if I was on Yelp, I would have 5 stars..HAHA!!


I don't know how to let my guard down.


I DO, and I HAVE, but it doesn't come easy.


It is a STRUGGLE.


I had to put a layer of shellac around my heart and my feelings at a very young age.


I had to learn that sex was a thing entirely separate from love at a very young age.


I had to put on a cloak of self-preservation so I could protect the children I loved at a very young age.


As I grew older and (hopefully) wiser, I met a few memorable people that enabled me to put all of that aside and bare my heart and offer it up to share with someone else.


Those instances were always successful (except with TC  :(  ) .


I have had some AMAZING relationships with some FABULOUS dudes.  They were nourishing and safe and loving and fun. 


However, times changed, the world moved on, and those relationships came to very loving, caring ends (except for TW -- the last 'boyfriend' - I am soooo embarrassed to type that, guys, I am 42 fucking years old!!  -I had, which has caused me to be single for, like, EVER!), and I continued on my path.


I have blogged MULTIPLE TIMES in the last couple of years about how/why/when I would get a new partner, but LITERALLY have not done one single thing to snare one.


Because I am afraid.


I am afraid I will meet some dude that will mess with my Roo and I will have to kill them, thus landing me in prison for the rest of my life  (Legit fear, I will FUCKING MUTILATE any person that wrecks my baby's innocence).


I am afraid I will hook up with some guy that ignores me or belittles me or tries to control me, and I will put up with it because I HATE failure.


I am afraid I will meet someone that rocks my world and changes my thinking and then falls in love with someone younger (obvs), smarter (HAH!! As IF!), or more interesting (possible, but I doubt it) than I, and I end up an old, fat, wrinkly mess that taught my daughter that being useful to men is more important than being a free, powerful female.

I am afraid to be soft.


Life has made me hard.  I mean that in the most literal sense.  I have to be hard, because I have raised females and the world treats girls like shit (Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Charlie Sheen, Christian Longo, Scott Peterson, Ted Bundy, etc., etc.), just turn on the news.


Do you know how many times someone has grabbed, squeezed, patted or fondled my enormous ass without first asking permission?


Do you know how many times my boobs have been brushed, bumped, pinched, or patted without the person even knowing me?


Do you know how many times I have been slinging bottles behind a three-deep-packed bar with a line of cocktail waitresses lined up waiting for HUGE drink orders and some fuck says, "Why don't you smile?" while my fellow drink-slinger (a surly bald dude) NEVER got asked that same question??


Do you know how many times I have walked down the street next to or behind a teen aged girl and watched men of all ages (some of you fuckers WAY too old enough to know better) catcall, eye-fuck, or otherwise salivate over said juvvies??


I don't trust you guys.


I really don't.


The last time I did trust someone enough to bring him around my girls and introduce him into my life, and TRY to let those walls down....well I couldn't.


Because the old 'you-aren't-good-enoughs' kicked in, and I blew the best thing that every happened to me...and NO, I am not talking about 'blew' as in shark week, you pervs.


I mean I hesitated.


I held back.


I prevaricated.


I held up that wall, and I lost.


The one relationship after that was a joke.  It was a 'this-is-all-you-are-worth-so-why-don't-you-just-settle?' kind of a thing. 


Which I did.


Until I realized Roo might settle for something similar, which filled me with so much horror, I bounced.


I sincerely hope I can stop struggling with intimacy so my daughter doesn't grow up thinking men are shit and being a spinster is the way to go (cause it's not...sometimes it's not fun at all).


It would help. though, if you fuckers would quit groping and jacking off in front of us because you can...


Just saying.