What's In A Name? That Which We Call a Pervert By Any Other Name Would Look as Desperate

Or, Holy Shit, This Internet Dating Experiment Has 
Ground to A Halt

Yup yup.......

Okay, so I am stuck.

I haven't even managed to sign up on an internet dating website.

For various reasons, I decided OK Cupid was the way to go.  Actually one reason - the smartest, most hilarious blogger on the planet uses it, so I am too.

Or was.

Or might be.

See, I got stuck.  On, like, Step 3.

Step One:  I am a Woman Looking for a Man.  Oh. em. gee. 

Seriously?  It has come to this???  

Oh, well.  Deep breath.

Step Two: Email address.  Whew!  This is getting easier!

Step Three: Enter a User Name.

.......................................................................................................................................

..............................................................................................................

............................................................................................

 Total. Effing. Blank.

I literally stared at the screen for about two minutes.  Mind. Blank.

Blank, blank, blank.

Seriously?  What screen name could possibly represent the awesomeness that is me?

ChubbyOldNerd?

SmartButBoring?

KindaSluttyButThatsNotWhyImHere?

Everyone knows I have a kind-of list of pre-reqs that are non-negotiable.  But I can't just have my screen name be a link to that post....right?  Cause that would be weird.

What I did, was hop on over to Match.com and check out some screen names on there...you can prowl that website for free, FYI.  Apparently, OK Cupid is not so lenient.

First I decided to look at the guys screen names.  

Oh. Holy. Fuck.  

Seriously?  ShyGuy69?  LibraMan69?  LovePDX69?  BigPoppa69?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

If you have '69' in your screen name, Im gonna assume you look like this and your cover picture is stolen off the internet!

 Seriously internet dating dudes.....SERIOUSLY????
I decided to check out the ladies and see if they could offer up something other than 69.  

Ahem.

ShyGirlPDX.  MissSassy.  Bubbles4u. LilMizTude.  Dollface77. Hottie74.  SassyNSweet.

Lotsa 'girl', lotsa 'baby', lotsa 'doll'.  And lots of selfies with duck lips.  

Did I miss something here?

Is it 2010? 

Because I thought we all agreed that duck lips are out.  Didn't the internet threaten to stop working if people who are not named Kardashian didn't stop with the duck lips?  

LITERALLY the ONLY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET that can still get away with duck lips.  So. Just. Stoppit.

(Side note, ladies; guys HATE those pics.  Seriously.  AND, duck lips are neither sexy, funny, or even ironic anymore.  You just look dumb.  For realz, there are surveys about this shit and everything.)

Anyway, these broads are my age and they are picking screen names like LittleShyBubbleDoll (ok, I may be exaggerating just a tiny bit with that last one!). 


Ugh!  

I hopped off Match.com a little wiser, and a little more annoyed with the human race in general.

And, still, no screen name.....

'Bout sums it up!

What kind of screen name would possibly convey that if you don't 'get' Star Wars, then we have no future?  Or that if you fill your FB page with pictures of flags and 'Murica! bullshit, I am probably going to puke on your shoes (before I get drunk and puke in your car)?

I am probably over-thinking this -- shocking, I know!-- because, obviously this whole thing is meant to drag me out of my comfort zone and keep me from sleeping with TC anymore/ever again, as well as possibly result in a BF/GF-type situation (although possibly not since just typing BF/GF made me uncomfortable and thinking of ways to leave the country).  So, I suppose I should not spend so much time worrying about what sort of screen name will make it clear to anyone that if I ever get a chance to make out with Matt Damon, Ryan Gosling, Eric Decker, David Beckham, Christiano Renaldo, Simon LeBon, Christian Bale, or Bradley Cooper, I will, regardless of our relationship status, or that I will dick-punch you if you talk shit about my football team, or....well, you get the idea, right?

RG outweighs a  BF any day of the week!

By the way, if any of you earthlings reading this have any suggestions that do not involve the number 69 (because ew) or the "word" (more like perversion) LIL, feel free to post them in the comments....I may just give you a Snickers if I use it...or a BJ, whatevs.


Stay tuned, guys, shit is probably going to get even more demoralizing and humiliating......which, come to think of it, just might end up being my screen name!!


Because GoslingStalker is already taken.


I checked.

This is sounding better and better every day, folks!