Good Enough

I am doing a 30 day writing experiment....


As part of the deal, I read all these posts by these amazing bloggers, get crazy inspired, and then I log into my own blog and I just....BLAH!

These bloggers are out living life, being yoga instructors, and in Kurt's case, eviscerating themselves daily, in the name of art.

Meanwhile, I am over in the corner, fooling around with font colors and posting pictures of Ryan Gosling.  I feel like I showed up in the Hamptons driving a 1993 Ford Escort, while wearing something from Jaclyn Smith for Kmart Collection to Donatella's annual bash....

Just.
Not.
Good Enough.

In my 20s, I was obsessed with Sarah McLachlan.

I played her CD all the time in my car, in my house, on any jukebox that had it.

And my favorite song was "Good Enough".

That song spoke (speaks) to me.

Am I Good Enough?

No, says my inner critic.

Not good enough to have a real relationship with an adult.

Not good enough to have someone love me for me.  People love me for what I do for them (says inner critic).  And that is all.

Not good enough to get published.

Not good enough to get an agent.

Not good enough to.....well, everything.

That is the story I have been telling myself my whole fucking life.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

So, when I log onto my Facebook, and  see all these magical writers and yoga instructors, and filmmakers and photographers posting some MAJORLY profound shit, while I am posting about being a fat, old, boring spinster--accompanied by #bluntcards and #RyanGosling pictures, I have to tell myself that I should just stop.

My shit is just not good enough, 

Who cares if I am single and still halfway in love with the only person who has ever dumped me and not returned?

Who cares that I am obsessed with Ryan  Gosling? 

Who cares if I hate technology and have not turned my cell phone on in 2 months?

Who cares if I read Beka's blog or Kate's blog or Joslyn's blog or Vanessa's blog and wish I was as deep and profound and fucking real as they are every single day??

No one.

No one cares.

And all the Ryan Gosling pictures in the world won't make me real.

Like the Velveteen Rabbit, the only thing that makes me real is loving myself.

And I don't do that so much...

But I am trying.  This experiment is making me write more--I have a short story collection that I am barreling through after every post.

So maybe, just maybe, this experiment is helping me become 'Good Enough'.

Or maybe that is another story I am telling myself.

If that ends up being the case, there is always wine. 

And that, my friends, is 'Good Enough' for me.