The Internet Has Turned You All Into M*therF****rs. Or, "I Would Rather Be A Giant Panda Than A Member of the (Sub)Human Race"

The internet has turned "human beings" into motherfuckers.  I am serious.

I didn't really realize this until last week, you know.  Is that pathetic?

Up until last week, the interwebs were a fun place for me to go hang out, and the only complaints I had about social media were as follows:

Endless Selfies---yes, mofo, I KNOW wtf you look like at the beach, on a cliff, in the river, in your flipping bathroom [ew. why?], on the lawn in the park, driving down the fucking highway, and at sunset. Enough.  Also, the cryptic captions you write to accompany those selfies make you sound pretentious and foolish, not deep and soulful--and we all know you took, like, 500 pictures, weeded through until you found the one that made you look the super-duper best, and then cast around frantically for a caption that makes you sound deep when, really, you just look shallow as fuck.  Stoppit.  You are pretty.  You are fabulous.  You have Buns of Steel.  But stoppit.  You are not the Van Gogh of cell-phones, so unless you want to chop off an ear and then take a selfie, stoppit.  Now.  Pleaseandthankyou.

So, I don't get this....are you trying to poop?  Looking for your sunglasses? 
Strangling someone?  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????

Food pics---some comedian does a bit where he talks about how fucking weird it would have been in the 80s if you had gone to someone's house, and they showed you their photo albums [remember those?] and they were like, "Here's Timmy, and Sally, and Joe, and my smoothie from Tuesday and the pasta I ate last Saturday and my breakfast---gorgeous, eh?"  No lie, you would have never gone back to that morons house again.  I'm not gonna front, guys, I HAVE put a picture of the MAGICAL SEAFOOD TOWER from the Vail Chophouse, both on my Facebook page and in this blog, but come on.......

Mother. Of. God.

that is just magic....and some super hot dude with a Visa Black card may just read this blog and decide that this little meatball deserves to be whisked off to Vail for a weekend of sex, shopping (in a store, ya'll-that's no metaphor!), and seafood towers.  What?  It could happen....hater.  The rest of the time, though.....quit posting everything you eat on the interwebs--it's rude to fatties that are trying to exist off of kale, water, and despair.  Seriously, you are ruining my diet!!!  And, it's boring.  And, you are no Carl Warner.

Memes---do you know how many minutes of my life I have wasted looking at this:

I LOVE Bad Luck Brian!!

or this:



If I die laughing at this cat, I know it would make him happy!

or this:

Haaaaaaaaaaahahahaaa!!  Mexicans!!

The only consolation for the immeasurable hours of my life I will never recover is that I usually laugh my ass off until I am crying---so, you know, AB WORKOUT!!!  Woo-hooo!!!  But seriously, enough.  Go figure out how to cure cancer, go volunteer at an animal shelter or a retirement home or a homeless shelter.  Quit making that shit.  Because I could be out volunteering, or gardening, or writing.  Instead, I am hunting online for shit like this:

Happens a lot.....

laughing until my stomach muscles seize up, and then realizing I just lost 45 minutes of my life, when 2 minutes of crunches would have done the same thing, plus I would have had 43 minutes for something constructive.


So, yeah, sometimes shit online annoys me, but it never made me want to move to the forest and build a mud hut and hide from all the motherfuckers. Until now.  Because they are everywhere.  And, thanks to the fact that this is all happening at a distance, said motherfuckers say anything they want.  And what they want to say is completely embarrassing as a fellow human being.  Like, seriously, I am embarrassed to be a person.  I would rather be a damn Giant Panda.  And giant pandas are the dumbest fucking animals on the planet.  For serious, guys...GTS.  You will get about 400 thousand results in 2.2 seconds on how dumb pandas are.  I would rather be a member of an ursine race, destined to become extinct because they are literally too fucking dumb to stay alive, than claim any form of kinship with the motherfuckers online.

What brought this epiphany on was a double-whammy -- and not the good kind that one could find at TC's place on a Saturday night, mind -- of suckiness that happened online last week that I was unable to avoid. 

Motherfuckers Strike 1:  The Ashley Judd Incident.  Ashley Judd tweets that the team opposing her beloved Wildcats is playing dirty, and immediately she is called every filthy name in the book, is told she should be raped in pretty much every orifice one can fit a dick into, and threatened with numerous other violent acts, both sexual and non.  If some random college dude had tweeted that shit, his friends would have called him a pansy, asked him to change his tampon, and there would have been no more discussion.  Instead, because Ashley Judd is famous, or maybe because she is a woman, or maybe because she is a famous woman, shit got pretty ugly and out of control.  This is a human being, you guys.  A woman that, regardless of her fame, has family and friends that she laughs with, she probably has cried herself to sleep over some rotten dude just as many times as you have, she has bad hair days and may even bite her nails, for all I know.  She loves animals and campaigns tirelessly for the rights of others.  She is a person, and a member of the human race, just like all of us.

You tell 'em, girl!!  xoxo

In the heat of the moment, in a goddamned sporting event where tempers flare constantly, she made a remark that got the lowest, filthiest, most disgusting comments from what  I am going to guess are random people who probably don't normally act that way, and would definitely kill anyone that talked to their mamas like that.....Is it because she is famous?  And, if so, how does she deserve that?  Where in the fucking Manual of Humankind does it say that celebrities deserve  to be vilified??  Because they have more money than you?  More success than you?  Because they are public figures, so they are somehow asking to have people suggest various items be shoved up their rectum because they had an opinion about college fucking basketball???  Are you serious here, people?  That is bullshit!!!!  Even the Kardashians don't deserve to be treated that way.  Let's see you turn your shitty sex tape into a multi-billion dollar conglomerate....Can't do it?  Oh well, don't hate.  Here's the thing, guys, you don't HAVE to watch their TV shows, you don't have to buy the magazines with them on the cover, you don't have to click on the articles.....shut the fuck up and focus your energy somewhere else.  Do I make fun of celebrities or joke about them from time to time....um, yeah.  Have I ever or would I ever rain shit and hate and vulgarity on them for any reason?  Um...no.  Because I am not a motherfucker.  I am a giant panda, or at least I would rather be one.  You remember Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back where they got a bunch of money from their movie and they went around the country and curb-stomped all the motherfuckers that talked shit about them online?  Well, the Ashley Judd Incident made me want to do that when I finally sell my movie---you know, the one where I make out with Ryan Gosling.  But I probably won't.  I'm  too lazy, and the motherfuckers aren't worth it, so I will probably end up hanging out with giant pandas, trying to get them to eat BLT's and spiking their ponds with Cialis.....
PS - exemption to the above?  These guys.  FUCK these guys.  They suck.  Hate on them at will.

Just to be part of this club you have to be a morally bankrupt lying motherfucker. 
Check the facts, these "people" are full of shit, so haters....go on, hate!

Motherfuckers Strike 2.  The Shirt That Shook The Motherfucker's Minds.  There was a shirt on the interweb that, apparently, got people all up in arms.  And by 'people' I mean 'motherfuckers'.  And by 'up in arms', I mean 'acting like a bunch of stupid motherfuckers'. 
Look:

Do you even know what a thigh is, baby?  Didn't think so.

This onesie, and the hissy fits that swept the interweb after caused the dumbest phrase I have ever read in my entire life to be typed by some stupid motherfucker somewhere.... 

"baby fat-shaming"

......Seriously, that is a thing now?  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Babies are fat, you fools!!  They should be fat, they are growing!  They should be fat, they are building brain cells and learning motor skills and how to talk and shit.  A fat baby is a healthy baby, you numb-nuts, so how could anyone "fat-shame" a baby???  Also, babies are dumb!!!!  Last time I checked, they could not read, or talk, or even understand if you said, "Jeez, fatty, lay off the tits and get on a treadmill, why don't you?".  Seriously.  You could say that to a baby in that moronic, gushy, coo-coo voice with a big cheeser grin on your face, and any baby would probably just laugh and laugh and smile.  Because they are dumb little morons that just want hugs and kisses and boobs.....and the male ones never grow out of that, guys.  Never. 

Seriously....how many of you with penises will remember ANYTHING about this post besides Katy Perry's fun-bags?

 Also, those bald little diaper-fillers HAVE NO SHAME!!  They will shit and puke and fart and cry anytime, anyplace, anywhere--they do not care.  They sit around all day yelling and demanding food and walks around and around the house and rocking and cooing and cuddling, and they reward you with it by drooling on your clothes, 'spitting up' (which is a non-baby-shaming-way of saying 'vomiting half-digested breast milk down your front'), crapping in their diapers 50X a day, peeing everywhere, and refusing to sleep for more than 3 damned hours at a time, which means you can't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.  And, did you know, that sleep-deprivation is a torture technique used on war prisoners???    But those fatsos get away with it....because they are babies.  So, fuck you for saying that babies could possibly be "fat-shamed" you stupid internet motherfucker.  Seriously.  Also, any company that is called "Wry Baby" should probably not be taken seriously enough to warrant you guys having tantrums over what their products say.  Read a fucking dictionary before you start your ridiculous whining over their wares.

Is he crying because he has been fat-shamed ?  Or is he ashamed of you inventing the word?  Ask him. 
Oh, wait, HE CAN'T TALK!!  Or read.  Go away.

Whew!!  All done.  But now, do you even see why I would rather be a Giant Panda?  Because, to me, this:

beats this:

any day of the week.


So, this much serious ranting is a little unusual for me.  I had a 3rd thing from the World Wide Wankfest I was going to talk about, which included a discussion about me looking like a snowman when I am naked, the rave reviews my tits garner on a regular basis, and why you are what you wear.  But this much hyperventilating and furious typing makes me need food.  Or Caffeine.  Which means I gotta get up, and once I do that...I won't be back for a few hours. 

Miss Veronica over at GrownUpTantrums can do this shit allllllllllll day, but I am old, chunky, and my blood sugar is dropping so, peace out, guys.  Try not to be motherfuckers, okay?


This would, normally be where I post a picture of Ryan Gosling, but somehow that feels wrong. In honor of my prolific use of the word 'Motherfuckers' today........Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you one Bad Ass Motherfucker:

Say "baby-fat-shaming" ONE more time, motherfuckers!

Cheers!!  Wankers!!!