Hooray!!! FINALLY a post that asks for fun and games and not me ripping my soul to shreds for about 30-odd people per post!!! (although I am immensely grateful to each and every one of you for reading them! xoxo)
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| ;) |
Now, hopefully, this ends up being a "How-To" manual for Ryan Gosling or similar super-hot scrumdiddlyumptious non-felon sex-maniacs with American Express Centurion cards .
Knowing my luck, scores of schmucks that currently reside in their mom's basement and strip while wearing one of their nephew's cast-off Halloween costumes will be blowing up my Facebook page with declarations of love, but whatever....just another Thursday, right?
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| That's how I look when I am turned on too, Pheebs! |
ANYway.....here are 10 ways to win the heart of a formerly adorable redhead, who is now a just-over-the-brink-of-middle-aged-chubby-Snark-oleptic-wrinkly-glitter-headed-single-mom (wow---what a catch; the Match.com ad writes itself!).
1. Don't be a dumbass. Smart ass, yes please; dumb-ass---thank you, drive through. We all know -- or should by now -- that I LOVE me some geeks!!! You gotta have something going on upstairs if you want me to hang out with you downstairs....or some other slightly less chi-mo sounding smart = sex analogy. If you can't have an intelligent conversation with me about current events, politics, books, sports, or anything besides your net worth or how many calories you don't consume in a day, keep on truckin' Joe-Bob, I am sure there is some soap-fan waiting for you to sweep her off her feet.
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| No need to caption.....although I just did! |
2. Be funny. And, I don't mean, 'dick-joke-funny'. Yes, jokes about small dicks and ugly dicks, and guys that are hung like a tuna can are HILARIOUS, but if your sense of humor starts and stops in the 6th grade, well, you can go fuck yourself....if you can find it, that is. A big fan of sarcasm, irony, and South Park am I. And if you can't laugh at yourself, then you better grow a bigger penis (or self-esteem--aren't they the same in Man-ville?), because I will sure as hell be laughing your dull ass right out the door.
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| This will NEVER get you laid....N.E.V.E.R.!!! |
3. Be big. And that, my friends, is no dick joke. That is no euphemism, simile, or metaphor (ps - if you had to GTS on ANY of those words, you may as well stop reading. No, seriously, buh-bye!), that is literally how you must be. I have a straight-up Napoleon Complex....or maybe a Dorothy Parker Complex (she was 4'11"!!!!), and I think I am 10 feet tall and bulletproof....I have only dated a few guys that were not 'stocky' or 'big-boned', and I seriously cant imagine doing so ever again....BTW, both of the numbskull-gobshites that I regret dating were under 5'8" and under 180 lbs....so there is that as well.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a35545/reasons-sleeping-with-a-husky-guy-is-the-best/
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| It would help if you were big AND Mr. Big!!! |
4. Like being outside. I cannot understand city people, even though I tried being one for years, until I realized I am and always will be a hippie Ridge-girl at heart. Every morning--rain, shine, below freezing, or baking hot-- I have to go outside and walk in the dirt and grass and leaves; barefoot, of course. I have an absolute need to dig in the dirt, roam through the woods, climb trees, and lay under the great big sky. I can't even fathom a life lived between an office, a high-rise, and a series of restaurants and cafes--no matter how much I wish I was Samantha Jones. There is a part of me that is so at home baking on a rock by the river, or wading a freezing lake. Chlorinated swimming pools and hot tubs make me want to throw up. I need to be able to smell fresh air, get my feet dirty, and pick flowers for my hair....and if you can't at least hang for the hike....well, gg-gga-ggiga-gggooodnight, yo.
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| This would have been bare feet in the woods, but you know how I feel about that..... |
5. Know how to fix shit. If you have appliance repairmen, painters, roofers, landscapers, and carpenters that handle your problems, we cant hang. I draw the line at plumbing and electrical problems---you are a dumbass if you try to DIY that--but, if you have to call someone to take apart your washer or dryer, call someone to unclog your garbage disposal because your mother-in-law ran potato peelings down it on Thanksgiving, call someone to level your backyard and plant grass, or call someone to repaint your house....well, I am not gonna respect you; in the morning or any other time of the day. I am a self-taught Miss (Ms, at my age, I guess...booh!) Fix It, and I can't really respect (i.e., go shopping with) a man that has to rely on another man to keep his house in line. YES, you could probably find better things to do with your time, but if we are stuck in the middle of nowhere and you have to call AAA because you can't tell a lugnut from your left nut, I can guarantee you are dropping me at my house and never picking me up again. I can, and have, changed tires in the rain and snow, put chains on my own tires, and the tires of the lady next to me in the minivan, replaced a serpentine belt in the middle of the night on a road 20 miles from the nearest streetlight with a flashlight tucked under my chin, and I expect any man I hang out with to do the same....except the serpentine belt thing; that is SUPER hard, and man-hands do not help--trust me, I have 2 of them!
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| Yes, please! |
6. Be good in bed. Do I NEED to explain this? I'm going to abridge this, because I am secretly a prude about some things (no, for real!). Here's some advice, and I'm gonna do this fast because otherwise I will chicken out:
A-clitoris-is-not-a-worry-bead-don't-rub-it-into-oblivion-you-have-hips-for-a-reason-figure-out-that-they-go-more-than-two-directions-probing-tonsils-with-your-tongue-is-not-a-kiss-a-well-timed-smack-on-the-ass-is-a-good-thing-slow-and-steady-wins-the-race-but-sometimes-hard-and-fast-does-the-trick-we-like-nooners-and-quickies-as-much-as-you-do-and-being-on-top-makes-things-better. Whew! Got all that, 'cause I am not repeating it (unless you are Matt Damon, and then I am afraid I must keep you after class for Remedial Lessons!).
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| You're doing it right..... |
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| Ugly Cry Face Knows NO Gender. |
8. Read. I don't care if it is instruction manuals (chuh! right!), Chilton Repair Guides, Playboy (for the articles, yo), or even Motor Trend. Just. Read. Because reading is rad. And I don't really need to qualify this.
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| Truth. |
9. DO NOT let me walk all over you. I am an exceptionally stubborn, headstrong person....if you were too dumb to notice that, well, I can't help you. I am smarter than most people, more articulate than everyone, and am a walking talking (but humble, obvi!) bulldozer. Most men think, "Well, if I let her have her way and shut up, she will like that." Wrong. Dumb Ass. I actually need to be shut down periodically. I actually like being told to calm the fuck down. I actually want someone to not say 'How high' when I snap my fingers and say 'Jump'. Clearly, if it's important to me, I expect you to drink a long, tall glass of shut-the-hell-up and let me do me....If you throw yourself on the ground and say, "Yes, ma'am, I will do whatever you want, whenever you want", I will - of course - pat you on the head and coo over how totally adorbs you are. I may also take you shopping a time or two. In the long run, however, you will find yourself face-down in the dirt, with me carefully wiping my feet in your hair (if you expected me to say 'on your back', that is wrong, your hair is a much better medium than your T-shirt for getting the BS off my stilettos!!). I don't want, need, or wish to waste my prodigious Kung Foo skills on some caveman that tries to impose his will on me....that doesn't mean I want some flaccid, spineless whelk blobbing around in my orbit, kissing my ass all the time. Figure it out, you aren't an idiot! (See #1)
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| Yeah...that'll help.... |
10. If this is you, below, (or you are TC) none of the above rules apply. Line forms to the right......
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| Yep! |
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| Uh-huh. |
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| Of course! |
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| *sssssssssiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhh* We have a WINNER!!!
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