Sayonara Spinster??

Haha, I could EASILY send this pic to 10 people right now!!

Everyone seems to agree that I need a boyfriend.




Except me. 




My sister has been nagging me for a year or two, since I am always the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel at family events, barbecues, etc.  I am a bad-ass cook and a super cleaner, though, so I always get invited, spinster or not.




My oldest daughter seemed a little impatient at my sister's gender reveal party last week, when I told her I had failed to secure a man since she last asked me about it in November. 


"You've been single for a long time, haven't you?"  she said, nose wrinkling slightly....as if my solo status was mildly repugnant.




I have been single for a long time.  FOUR AND A HALF YEARS, to be exact.  If I am still un-partnered by September 29 this year, I will have been single for FIVE ENTIRE YEARS.




That is a long time, especially for me.  I have always been a serial dater.  I would date someone for a couple of years, lose interest, say goodbye, and then start dating someone else for a couple of years, until it got boring, etc., etc.

See her smiling?  That's me!!

However, my last "relationship" -- and by relationship, I mean 'trainwreck', was a doozy.  All of my friends and family could not believe I was dating this person, many of them were furious with me, and a few of them expressed some real concern.  He was definitely not the kind of person I would normally date, and I have no explanation or justification for spending 2 years with him, or for exposing my daughter to him for that long. 




When I got out --  and that is exactly what it sounds like; I 'got out' of the relationship the same way one would 'get out' of a burning building or a mangled vehicle, swiftly, fearfully, slightly panicked, with much post-escape checking to make sure I didn't actually sustain any damage as a result -- I convinced him to move to Alaska (he was from there), and I ended up moving back to my hometown for a while. 


And, yes, I wrote correctly. 


 I talked him into moving to Alaska.  I am that gifted, and if you don't believe me, give me a call and I will talk you into believing it. 






Skillz, people, MAD SKU-HILLZ.






Anyway, I now have no confidence in my ability to judge men.  I literally cannot believe I didn't see what everyone else did in You Know Who -- that's what Lexi started calling him because she didn't want to say his name, and he has been relegated to Voldemort status since then -- and I cannot believe it took me throwing my phone into a storm drain and getting a new # to not have to hear from him, because he would not leave me alone.






So, I have settled for Singleton status, rather than step back in the dating fray and risk another monumental error in judgment.

#Truth

Also, since I am being truthful here, there are a couple of people I reeeaaaaallllllllllyyyyy want to have sex with, and if I am in a relationship and then the opportunity to sleep with any of them comes up, I will have to pass, and that makes me feel kinda mad. 
 Does that make me a bad person? 
No? 
Just slutty, tho, right?  *sigh* 
 Used to it.....










ANYway, everyone around me seems to insist that I get coupled up, and I am not sure why basically everyone has an opinion on my old maid lifestyle this year...it's weird because, rather than one or 2 people making casual remarks here and there, 100% of the people I consider myself closest to, and even a couple that I am hardly close to anymore but still know me very well have randomly inserted a question about why I am not dating into otherwise normal conversations. 


I usually refer to YKW, but realize that that excuse is wearing a bit thin after FIVE YEARS (4.5 but who's counting?  Oh, wait. EVERYONE IS COUNTING!!!)




I figured I could get away with another 6 months of demurring, dissembling, and denial, until....




Lexi asked me to get a boyfriend.  And she meant it.




For reals.




Shit just got real.  Like, really, REAL.


My daughter is one of the most interesting people I have ever met, and aside from some VERY publicly humiliating instances when she was in Kindergarten, she has maintained minimal interest in my love life (except that one time she told a co-worker of mine that she had JUST MET, that I had a crush on one of our fellow coworkers; completely un-prompted-- just blurted it out....little shit!).






She always took a great deal of pleasure in speculating on her dad's love life (he went through women like Kleenex the last couple years of his life), and singing the "Daddy - and - (insert name here) - sitting - in - a - tree" song, gleefully, when she got the chance.




But, Mommy?  Not so much. 


Until now.


Which basically means I am doomed --DOOMED, I TELL YOU -- to dip my toe back in the dating pool and hope there aren't any piranhas or sharks up in this bitch.






  Stay tuned........