Simple as that, right?
I mean, surely it's not difficult to identify someone I actually feel is good enough to introduce to Lexi, and then trick him into liking me, right?
Except.
I have been out of the dating pool so long, I think I forgot how to swim.
Those of you that come here regularly to laugh at my pathetic attempts to handle my life, may remember when I decided to try Internet dating.
I have heard dozens of stories of successful internet dating, went to the wedding of some very dear friends that initially met online, and have watched one woman ride off into the sunset (Literally. Or maybe figuratively. They were technically boating off into the sunset, but it can be referred to riding. Because they were. Riding, that is. Riding a boat. I don't know if riding off into the sunset requires horses, and 'boating off into the sunset' doesn't have the romantic happy-ever-after vibe I was shooting for. Although, neither does this little side tangent...so there's that) with her Match.com success story.
I just don't think I can do internet dating, though. The screen names. UGH! I MEAN! So, that's a nope. I have one friend that very recently was soooooooper successful at internet dating, probably because she had the chutzpah to put 'well-endowed' as a pre-req......god, I love that woman! But, one of my other favorite humans went on a date for lunch with a dude off the internet and he wouldn't take his heavy coat off because he showed up to the date butt-nekkid underneath.....for real.
Also, I know 'buck naked' is the proper term, and that 'butt naked' is the mispronunciation, but I prefer my way, in which you pronounce 'naked' as 'nekkid'. Because that is the only way to describe someone who showed up to a FIRST DATE WITH NOTHING ON UNDER A TRENCH COAT!!!
And, the last 2 people I know that signed up for online dating got nothing but perverts and weirdos.....Like nothing but d!ck pics and introductory lines that refer to making the bed bang. There's a time and place for that kind of stuff, and it's about 15 years and 2 states behind me.
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Which means, of course, I am going to have to date in real life. Since there is literally LITERALLY, not one friend/relative I trust to set me up on a blind date (seriously, most of you are depraved af and would probably gleefully set me up with a freak from Craigslist....part of why I love you guys so much! xoxo), and I don't date friends of friends (for obvious post-breakup 'who gets custody of our friends' reasons), I am going to have to go hunting for myself.
Yay, me.
Ugh!! Dating, tho? For reals?
First dates are so awkward....Who are you, How did you, Why did you, blah, blah.
When I was in my 20s, I solved the 1st date awkwardness by drinking too much, sleeping with him, and then either making him my boyfriend or telling him no way, depending on his.....erm, prowess.
I am neither hot enough, nor slutty enough to do that kind of stuff anymore, which means I am probably going to be going on a lot of first dates.....maybe.
Where do people even meet anymore? I'm too old to meet dudes in bars (probably too old to say 'dudes', but oh well!), I don't have hobbies or habits that put me in proximity to single men (do any of you??), and I am either an introverted extrovert, or an extroverted introvert --whichever one means that I am a painfully shy, socially awkward mumbler, until I get to know you, and then I will dance on the tables (fall off as well, I am a klutz), keep you out past your curfew so many times your husband won't let you hang out with me unsupervised, and start a conga-line, a bar-fight, or a fire next time we go out....
UGH!!!!!
Okay, something just occurred to me. I just realized I have a target. That sounds awful, doesn't it??
Without revealing too much, because I am now operating under the assumption that we will end up dating, in which case he may decide to read these and it might freak him out, I met someone about 18 months ago- very briefly - that made me kind of sit up and take notice. He is very, very loosely affiliated with my job so I tabled the idea of flirting (I'm not good at it anyway) with him. I was also in super duper anti-dating mode, so that contributed as well.
However. I gotta be honest, I see him anywhere from 1-3 times a month, and am constantly acting like a moron whenever he comes into our building. My boss was, like, 'Seriouly? Are you 12?' after the second time he came in because I rambled on and on about nothing for way too long, stuttered, turned red, and smashed my knee into the corner of my desk, all while discussing I-don't-know-what, because my inner voice was shrieking in my brain to shut up...."stop talking....stop TALKING, oh-my-God-your-face-is-beet-red-and-you-are-stammering-get-a-fucking-grip-you-are-40-not 14" So, yes, I may have lost track of myself, shattered my knee-cap, greyed out, and hobbled gracelessly around the corner to hide, but maybe it wasn't that bad....I only have my scornful supervisor's words to go by, and she could have just been jealous of the sparkling repartee we were conducting (probably not the case, to be honest), because she did say that, if she was 25 years younger, that man would be hers.
Anyway, since I am on a mission, I guess I better have an objective, right? I'm not going to refer to him by name, again because I don't want to give off creepy stalker vibe (although I fear I might be too late!), so we have to give this guy a nickname. I prefer initials (trust me, you will want to hear about WP, TW, and TP one day!), but I think I am calling this one "Rufus" since he is a Ginger (if you don't get it, Google 'rufous'), and plus, I really like saying that word. Rufus. Rufous. Rufus.
That sounds like 'Roofies'. Hmmmmm.....
Operation Rufus is in effect, yo, stick with me while I try to bag this Ginger!! ;)
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