F*ck Your Foot Fetish, Feet Are Awful

This is what alllllll feet are in my head.  NO.

Guys...

I hate feet.  Seriously.

Feet are sooooo gross.

I very much appreciate the appendages at the ends of my ankles.

I appreciate how they bear me up.

I appreciate how they bear up when I force them into flat-footed Converse for several hours. (I have super high arches, so wearing my beloved Converse is agony.)

I appreciate how they deal with me wearing 4, 5, 6,-inch heels, because being 5'3" is a curse.

But feet are gross:

Toe jam.

Athlete's foot.

Nail fungus.

Also, feet stink 

LITERALLY STINK.

Have you ever had someone take their shoes off in front of you and wanted to puke??

I have.

There are all kinds of products to make feet better:

Foot scrub.
Heel cream.
Pedicures.
Gel insoles.
Odor Eaters.

I don't think I had a problem with feet until the third grade when I started competing in track meets.

I got home at night, proudly displaying my red and blue 'first and second place' ribbons and noticed that my feet smelled like dirt and burned eggs.

Yuck.

When I dated the soccer player, I noticed his feet smelled like boiled eggs and manure.

Didn't stop me from having his baby, but MAN!!!  24 years later and my eyeballs still hurt.


I never thought about my feet, besides keeping them scrupulously clean, until a friend invited me to get a pedi.


Foot-soak in warm salt water, foot massage, toenail painting.  Someone voluntarily kneading and rubbing and touching my feet.

EW!

Blurgh!

Soooo gross.

DO NOT TOUCH MY FEET!

 I literally cannot imagine touching feet for a living.

Like, AT ALL.

I would, legit, rather give Robert Kraft a handy than touch his (or your) feet.


I read a book where the protagonist hated her feet being touched and I was, like, DUH!!

*PREACH, SISTER!*

FEET ARE GROSS!



Feet are like....well...gosh, I hate saying this....

Feet are like, um....well, the intergluteal cleft.

Useful, but also gross.

The only time I like feet is when I am at the beach.  That is the only time I will go barefoot (I wear socks in bed, whether I am solo or not), besides the shower, obvs.


The only time I appreciate having feet is at the ocean.  Other than that, they are something to be  managed -- exfoliating, clipping, lotioning (because 'moist'urizing is a barfy word!).


Clearly I would prefer to have  feet - the alternative is unthinkable - but why are feet so weird and gross?

Toenails??

Toenails are so icky.

And woe betide any man who clips his toenails in front of me (or outside the bathroom).

I have been told repeatedly that I have body dysmorphia, so I can't help but wonder if my foot aversion is part of this...

After all, I am sure there are may people who never even think about their feet.

Just like there are people who think about feet allllllll the time.

How do people with foot fetishes DO THIS??

Like, you put a toe in your mouth??

Ummm, no.