Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

"A time you lied"

Interestingly enough, I lie every single day…to me.

'A time".

That is singular.  Oops.

I lie and say I am too old and fat and too much of a hippie to care that I am old and fat.  But I care.  Not enough to put down the new Reese's Pieces-Stuffed Peanut Butter Cups, but I do care.

I lie and say I am fine. 

And I am not fine. 

My baby girl's dad died 3 weeks ago tonight and I am forced daily to watch her struggle and fight through the grief at the loss of her BFF -- they were seriously the best pals -- and try to make arrangements and tie up loose ends, all the while assuring everyone I am fine when I cannot even take 5 minutes to process the death of my roomie, my BFF, and my obnoxious co-parent because I have to run around worrying about 'offending' people or making people feel 'left out' when all I am trying to do is get this shit tied up and closed out as quickly and cleanly as possible-- for my daughter and for her siblings who are broken as well.

I lie and say I WILL NOT smoke another cigarette today.

I lie and say TOMMOROW I will get up at 5 and exercise.

I lie and say I am okay with being alone and self-sufficient when deep down I really wish I could turn to someone and say 'Please help me with this, I can't manage this on my own'. 

I lie and say that I will change.  That I will take up yoga to calm my restless brain (and tone my chubby form), even though I always topple over and worry about farting during Child's Pose like the person in front of me inevitably does.

I lie and say I will not lose my patience; I will be softer and kinder and allow people in.

A time that I lie is when I am awake. 

When there is another thing to check off the list. 

When there is another person insisting I clean up their mess because I have a job and some discretionary income and a little bit of logic, so OF COURSE I should drop everything and go rescue them from the same self-inflicted crap they created by being thoughtless and careless and living champagne lives on a Boone's Farm income.

The best thing about #500WordsADay is that, when I write this stuff, it flows organically and then I go back to revise and edit and learn things about myself that I didn't know, or gain insights I hadn't seen.

I think what I learned from this one is that I am doing myself a major disservice by lying to myself.

I think this was a good way to look at my lies and expose them to the light.

I hope I have the courage to do that.

And I hope that last sentence wasn't another lie.