Day 4 - just say Fuck Everything And Run

FEAR

I say FUCK Everything And Run...because ya'll are SCARY!

Tonight's post.

I have already posted once about things that scare me here.

I am legit afraid of those things, and I can assure you my daughter tortures me with them every chance she gets.

EXAMPLE:  Today, we went to a holiday bazaar (literally my favorite thing about the holiday season, beside ALL THE CARBS, are bazaars -- even if I don't buy anything *HA!* I love them), and every time there was a doll display, Miss Roo was, like, "Mom-mom-mom-look-over-there", and then laughed gleefully at my response.  Jerk.

However, if you were to ask me my biggest fear (besides losing a loved one, which I can't even begin to think -- or write -- about) are humans.

That probably sounds weird coming from a...well, human, but it's true.

I don't like scary movies.  I don't like giving attention or head-space to bad things.  I just don't.

Back in the day, though, I would occasionally watch one if the people I was with were interested, but once I was out of Jr High, and got over the obsessive watching of anything Freddie Krueger or "Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2" related, I was not a fan.  Nor was I a wet blanket, though.  The kids want to watch 'Scream"?  Fine, just give me a giant popcorn-- always giant + EXTRA BUTTER because FUCK clogged arteries -- and some peanut M&M's and I was ok. 


Until.....


About 15 years ago, I watched the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  It was sufficiently creepy, suspenseful, and had the proper amount of jump-scares, and I remember grabbing my BF's arm and cowering on his chest while we watched it, thinking it would end the way all horror movies end: 


Protagonist finally defeats baddie and walks off into the sunset.  Fade out.  Cue ominous music and one sliver of film, showing you the baddie may not have been vanquished (thus leaving open the possibility of a -hopefully- lucrative sequel.  Blackout. Roll credits.


This did not happen in TCM.

Totally NOT the scariest thing in TCM

Caution, if you haven't seen it and are too lazy to do a Google or plan on watching it one day, stop reading now.  Here there be spoilers.)

The plucky heroine manages to escape to what I think was a general store, or maybe a house.  A kindly old man ushers her in and agrees to help her.  He walks off screen, she grabs the phone to call the police, and BABAM!!!  She is whacked over the head by the kindly man and bundled into the truck where he, eventually returns her to the Farm Of Death she narrowly managed to escape.

The scene where he has her bundled into a cloth or a sack (or a cloth sack, I was terrified and it was long ago) and is driving her back is what made me lose my shit and stop watching the movie, swear off horror movies, and horror books, and anything that details psychopaths preying on people.

He is in his truck, driving back to the Farm Of Death, and he has a broom handle or a stick or something, and he is poking her through the cloth and laughing gleefully.

That. Right. There.

That shit happens.  It does.  There are too many places on the Internet that show that exact (okay, maybe without rando-in-human-skin-costume-at-the-farmhouse) thing happens to women all the time.

A jealous ex, a random transient serial killer, a guy who just snapped, a dude that has been killing, undetected, for years....take your pick.


People do that to each other.  Grab someone, take them away, undoubtedly mess with their heads en route to the forest, deserted field, backyard bunker, etc., and then kill them in unspeakable ways.


I can't handle that.


As someone that is currently working on preparing Females 4 & 5 for entry into society and the world, I LITERALLY cannot fathom that, and I will never watch it on screen or read about it again, as long as I live.

I touched on this last night.  I did it in the context of relationships, but it applies in general.  How can people be so terrible to each other?

I just don't get it.

I never will.

There is a part in The Hunger Games where someone mentions that maybe humans suck too much to be redeemed, and maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if we wiped ourselves off the face of the earth and let a better species have a go (my money is on elephants, owls, and.....turtles?  I forget what CS asked me to include, but I feel like they would do better job than we have), since we clearly are not qualified to be the dominant species here.

Precisely.

If it wasn't for all of the children I love and want to watch grow up and live amazing or mediocre or magnificent or just plain normal lives, I would be totally down with that.

So, yes, this particular fear -- my fear of humans is not something I can work through, or Face Everything And Rise against.  I prefer to stuff it in the back of my consciousness and just not deal with it at all.

Which is what I am going to do in 5...4...3...2..1.

Goodnight, all!  Stay safe.

 

Also, just to end this on a good note:

You're Welcome.  Sweet Dreams!

 

The Trouble With Love, What's Love Got To Do With It, Love Bites...Songs About Why 'Love' Is A Colossal Trick

Day 3.




I WAS going to blog about "A Place You Want To Live".




I already had most of it mapped out in my head, complete with quaint pics of New England in the Fall and Ryan Gosling without a shirt.






However.....




The last couple of days, some women I love very much have been struggling with the men they love.






Today (tonight, whatevs, I had a LOOONG day) I am going to use the prompt "Your Current Relationship Status And How You Feel About It".






I am single AF.


The quintessential spinster.






I have written MANY times about how I need a boyfriend, how I am ready (after a 5 year hiatus) to get back in the dating game, and about various dudes I have identified as a target.






However...






After this week, I am actually pretty stoked about being single, because I literally cannot process how awful people in relationshits can be. 


PS - not a typo ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^






I always (with one glaring exception) have had pretty decent relationships.  I am pretty chill, I don't get mad when you go to a strip club with the guys, I totally respect 'boys night out', I will wake up 30 minutes before you do to pack you a nutritious lunch, I never say no to sex (except during Shark Week...cuz EW! [side note - Shark Week at Mary's is BJ Week (EW! Sorry, TMI), because I don't feel you should suffer because of my idiosyncrasies]), I am a bad-ass cook, and can discuss a variety of topics in an (extremely) intelligent fashion.  I clean up okay, I am a solid 5.5 out of 10 (although my charm and wit will trick you into thinking I am a 7), and I have terrific manners.


I say all of this, not to convince some random sex-god with an Amex Black that a short, stubby chick with a face like the ass-end of a Chevy is a good match (but if it is, holla at your girl!!), but to explain that I honestly feel I am okay enough for someone to want to date.






However....




Tonight I decided I am extremely unqualified to be in a relationship, and I should just accept that I will be living at 101 Spinster Street for the rest of my life.


I literally cannot comprehend how awful people who claim to be 'in love' with someone can be to that person.






Vile name calling.
Abuse.
Indifference.






If that's what it means to be coupled up in this Brave New World, I will take a pass.

I'll take it!!

My last relationshit ended 5 years (give or take a week) ago.  It was not a good relationship, and I left questioning my judgment in putting up with it as long as I did.  The last couple of years, everyone has been ragging on me to bag a dude and couple up.  I have to admit, I drank the Kool Aid. 






I have been thinking about it myself.  How it would be nice to have someone to go to the movies with and make out here and there.  How it would be nice to have sex once (or twice-not picky!) a night.  How nice it would be to have someone to snuggle with on the couch on rainy Sundays, watching movies and griping about the work week ahead.  How nice it would be to be woken up by the Alarm Cock.  How nice it would be not to be the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel at family gatherings, parties, and events.






However....




I literally cannot fathom putting up with being ignored, disregarded, disrespected, or flat-out insulted (also, MEN, why do you always revert to calling women 'sluts'??  I am kinda slutty myself and it's brought me nothing but fun, so go fuck yourselves), I wouldn't do it for a second...mortgage, kids, or lifestyle be damned.






Basically, what I am saying, in response to today's (unexpected) blog choice is this:






I don't really know if "ROMANTIC LOVE" is biology (perpetuation of the species), a trick brought on by the media (sells tickets to movies, cards and flowers and jewelry - to say nothing of Viagra and booze), or a real thing that changes who you are and elevates you to your highest self (more often than not, I have seen the opposite just lately), I just know that, right now, I am glad I don't have to deal with it.




And that's all I have to say about that.

Librans Do Not Believe In Astrology, But Since I Am A Virgo, It's All Good

(pseudo) Science can be fun!

Writing with prompts is super fun...mostly.




The problem with these 30 Day Blog Challenges is that there are always 2 or 3 prompts that require me to disclose things I don't feel comfortable about.




Which sounds made up, because I am pretty candid here, and have discussed things that, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't if I ever plan on running for political office such as the Nevada County Board of Supervisors, District 4, in 2025.




Anyway, this time I am actually going to make it through the full 30, but the only way I can do that is to cut and paste from the, like, 50 thousand prompt sheets my friend Veronica at Grown Up Tantrums sent me.




Today I am meant to be to be discussing my zodiac sign and whether or not it suits me.  Which I find super ironic because I don't believe in astrology one bit.  I mean, it would be nice to think that I could go online and read my horoscope every day and have all the fun stuff they predict, but it isn't possible.....SCIENCE, yo.




Here is what the interwebs have to say about Libras:

Totally me.

Traditional Libra Traits
Diplomaitic and urbane (Yes, they misspelled 'diplomatic', it was not me!)
  Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable

Libra On the dark side....

Indecisive and changeable
Gullible and easily infuenced
Flirtatious and self-indulgent  (I fail to see these as bad!!)


OR


Libra is ruled by Venus. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus was a smooth seductress who was at her best amid pleasurable excess. Well, Libras are certainly carrying the torch for her today. The Scales are cultured, refined and love beautiful things. Most of all, they love beautiful people, which is why Libras do so well at cocktail parties or at the theater, opera or ballet. Those born under this sign always have the right thing to say and know how to make others feel comfortable. Suave? You bet. Libras are so adept at charming conversation that they need to be mindful of overstepping their boundaries and appearing vain or gossipy (the Scales do love intrigue). When these folks are on their game, however, they are a pleasure to be with. Libras are artistic, stylish and enjoy creating a beautiful world. The converse of this is that bored Libras can become apathetic and lazy -- but they'll smile anyway.




OR
Gracious, fair, and balanced Libra is among the most social and popular signs of the zodiac! Ruled by Venus, Libra is a loving sign that focuses strongly on partnership and prioritizes the needs of others. This sign of the Scales is blessed with a natural sense of right and wrong, making them very focused on trust, honesty, and fairness.


I ask you, who wouldn't like to believe those things about themselves?  Charming, suave, gracious, artistic, stylish, and a pleasure to be with?  WELL, DUH!!!  Everyone knows that about me!  Gullible and easily "influenced?" (they spelled it wrong on the page I copied it from!)...not so much. 


"It depends on your rising sign" astrology fans argue....WHAT DO THOSE WORDS EVEN MEAN?  No, wait, don't tell me.  Please.  I don't care.


Also, not to get all science-y on you, but there is controversy on whether the astrological signs are even correct because they were mapped out a gazillion years ago and things in the heavens have shifted because of 'wobble', 'precession', and other science-y words I am going to stop throwing at you.  (also, there are THIRTEEN signs, not 12--GTS, I am serious!)


Soooo.....because of that, I am actually a Virgo.  Wanna know what Virgos are like?  DUH!  You should already know, since I am one!!  Remember??  Suave, charming, always says the right thing....Whoops!  That's a Libra.


Nevermind.


This is what the internet people think I am like:

Also totally me.

Virgo Strength Keywords:

- Analytical
- Observant
- Helpful
- Reliable
- Precise

Virgo Weakness Keywords:

- Skeptical
- Fussy
- Inflexible
- Cold
- Interfering


OR


A Virgo's brain is in overdrive most of the time, which is why these folks get so much done. Those born under this sign are also able communicators and use their mental acuity to maximum advantage. All of this brainpower can make Virgos prone to skepticism, and can even lead to the kind of over-think that surely leads to overkill. Thankfully, though, Virgos are also a studious lot and can temper their worst impulses with a bit of careful analysis. Virgos enjoy studying a situation in great detail, whether it's a work project or a friendship. Virgins are truly interested in understanding things. The bane of many Virgos is the perfectionism that can get in the way of their usual clear thinking. 'I'm not a perfectionist; I'm discriminating!'


OR

Perfection comes in the form of Virgo, the sixth sign of the zodiac. This hardworking, detail-oriented, and critical sign is represented by the Virgin for its pure and discriminating nature. Observant Virgo is quick to notice flaws and fix them, helping others reach their highest potential.

Ummmm...have you met me?  Of COURSE I am an able communicator with mental acuity and a healthy dose of skepticism, you all know that about me, right? 


Also, cold and interfering as well - ask anyone in my family!


When I was a teenager, I totally got into astrology and would read my horoscope and check if my current crush was compatible with my Libra loveliness.  I would look forward to good news or romantic intrigue at the office, and not really notice when that shit didn't happen (lol, what OFFICE?) because tomorrow is another day and another horoscope was waiting for me.  When I was in my 20s, I would rip out Cosmo's 12 month astrology every month and stick it in with the Christmas deco, and then pull it out in December and see if they got any of that shit right.....more often than not, resounding NO.


Is it a coincidence that I have only ever been in long term and/or important relationships with Pisces and Scorpios?  Or that the only 2 dudes I ever had a 'thing' for but was too shy (yes, I am shy...Libras are known for it.)  Wait, Libras are outgoing, it's Virgo's that are shy...and since I AM A VIRGO, I am frickin' SHY, dammit!) to approach were both Libras?


I mean, I am pretty sure I humped a Leo or 2 in my 20s,  but it CAN"T be coincidence, right?  Virgos and Pisces are a terrific love match, so it makes allllllllll the sense.


Except that Virgos are a terrible match in love or friendship with Geminis, and my super duper very best friend on the planet was born on June 19.  Do we bring out the worst in each other like the astrology wizards say?  Occasionally, but for the most part we get along ridiculously well and spend more time together than I think most adult siblings normally do.


All of this ranting and raving and blustering just to tell you that my feelings about astrology are the same as my feelings about the earth being flat.  It's silly and funny and makes an interesting diversion when I am surfing the 'net (haha, who even talks like that any more?) at 1:30 am, desperately trying to find something to read that will put me to sleep.  But is it real?  No. 
SCIENCE, people. 


Fucking science.

Ummm...Ryan Gosling is a SCORPIO.  And it says they are PERFECT for Virgos. "Incredible match", "interesting sex life"  ummm....sign me up on the astrology train!
 Yessss!  I  love astrology!

Day 1 - What Am I Grateful For?

So, it is November.
My favorite month of the year.

Jimbo's birthday.
My FAVORITE brother's birthday.
Lexi's birthday.
One of my other favorite human's birthdays (11/22)

THANKSGIVING!!

Oh, how I love Turkey Day.

November is the month that Fall is over, but Winter (hopefully) hasn't started.
November is the fallow field, the pause that enlightens, the moment in between.

Every store that was shoving Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING is now pushing Peppermint EVERYTHING at you.

Forget the Pilgrims and Indians and Gratitude (because White Privilege, you fuckers!), we are now in the foyer to Christmas.

I deny that.

REJECT IT.

I love November.  Veteran's Day (Semper Fi), Thanksgiving, Black Friday...LOL kidding, FUCK your consumerism!!

I like November because it is a pause between fall and winter.
I like November because every November I am reminded of the 2 most influential people in my life.  The two people that have tested my patience, reminded me that we are all flawed, and taught me the most about love.
November is, unsurprisingly, the most special month ever because of Lexi and Jimbo.

The fact that they were born in the same month, and therefore share many characteristics -- charm, acquisitiveness, a sense of always being right -- would not surprise any hippy-dippy person that believes in astrology or random shit like that.

As a Libra, I can honestly say all astrology is bullshit, but something about November reminds me of Jim and Lexi.

November was Jim's JAM!!  Thanksgiving and feeding people, making his amazing corn casserole, running back and forth making plates for his staff (plates I begrudged every single ounce of, as it cut into my leftovers!!), celebrating Lexi's birthday in the most extravagant fashion ever...Having his Anniversary of Ownership at the Club, celebrating his birthday at the bar....November is all Jim all the time for me, and I am so grateful for that.

Without him I wouldn't have Roo.

Without him I wouldn't have this cadre of amazing humans that I love, that love me and check in on me and Lex to make sure we are maintaining...

I am so grateful for my friend.

I am so grateful for November.

I am so grateful that there is a holiday that celebrates abundance and FOOD.

ME!!!

I am so grateful for my Roo.

This year, as we have every year since we met him, we will make Jim's corn casserole, and celebrate it's deliciousness.

This year as we have every year since we met him, we will celebrate Jimbo's birthday.

This year, as we have every year since we met him, we will celebrate Lexi's birthday.

This year, just like we did last year, we will come together and remember our friend.... Jim/James/Jimbo/Jimmers?Jimmy (although only his mom called him that!!)

gone, not forgotten

This year we will remember our friend that is no longer with us, physically, but always with us in heart.

This year I am grateful for who and where I have been, and who and where I am.

This year....so different from last year and the year before that.

And I am SO grateful for that..this year and all the years to follow.

peas and carrots

This Is Why They Write So Many Songs About Friends

You know, I am kind of a shit.

Don't all disagree at once, people!!  :-D


Seriously, though, I get so wrapped up in my own stuff that sometimes I forget that I really should be be thanking the hell out of the Universe every single day for the amazing people in my life that I have been lucky enough to trick into thinking I am a nice human and not a walking dumpster fire.

I went to "Taco" (which is really TACO-LESS TUESDAY...don't ask!) this past Tuesday so I could hang out with some totally rad humans, and as I was driving home I thought, 'Man, those fuckers keep me sane and they don't even know it'.

My peeps..with a few missing!

And that's pretty sad.

I mean, they know I like them well enough to drag my ass out of the house 4X a year to meet up with them and trade insults and try to force shots on each other and make jokes about whoever isn't there, but....WAIT- I literally JUST realized those A*holes are probably slagging me off 48 Tuesdays out of the year.  SCREW THEM!


::::frantically Googling new blog topics:::::

Kidding!

Anyway, that thought process led me to go through my FB friends list and look at my friends and think about how rad they all are.  I feel pretty blessed at the eclectic, eccentric, crazy, funny, loving, fabulous people I have been fortunate enough to meet in my life.

And social media, even if it is a soul-sucking wasteland of gifs and snaps and tweets (WTF do those words even MEAN???), is pretty convenient for remaining close to the people I love that are so far away.

I love my humans so much, especially when the news manages to convince me that we are all vulgar trash and should discorporate and let some more honorable species (I say owls and elephants) take over the earth and undo all of the crap we screwed up.  When I get all sad and angry and eco-terroristy, there is a lot of comfort in seeing people's babies and pets and artwork and haircuts (BUT NEVER YOUR FUCKING PEDICURES, EVER, because there is a fetish page out there where someone may pay money to look at your - ew - feet, but my newsfeed is not that place!), it reminds me that there are good people out in the world doing good things,

Seriously, there are people that I have not seen in years, but I can rejoice with them when they get promoted, watch as they (attempt to - because kids suck) raise loving, thoughtful, productive humans, and buy homes and cars and brides over the internet.  Or maybe not that last one, CARL!!!

I started thinking about allllllll of the crazy songs there are about friends, and I guess I don't REALLY think about the lyrics when I listen (and sing along atrociously) to them, but if you do...MAN!!  All the feels.
I'm not going to list them or anything, but I did kind of YouTube a couple of 'friend' songs (for, like 6 hours), and I decided that my 2 favorites in the wholewideworld are Carol King's 'You've Got a Friend', and Randy Newman's 'You've Got A Friend In Me'........which probably makes me look like a crazy, but SERIOUSLY, go listen. 

Anyway, tangent aside, I am super grateful for all of my friends - near and far - and I am so lucky to have all of you in my life. (sob)  I'm actually getting emotional here, and since I value food over feelings, I am gonna have to dip out and grab a burrito, but before I bail, I want to tell you that one of my super duper awesome friends, Veronica, and I have decided to do a 30 day blog challenge in November--using prompts of course -- and are going to hold each other accountable for daily posting and publicly humiliate each other and trash each other on social media if one of us doesn't fulfill her daily responsibilities....

You should plan on reading along, because it's fun and also because I am about ready to start selling ad space on my blog and since it is only my friends that read this (and a shit-ton of Russians if my "stats" page is correct -- which, if it is, dobro pozhalovat, did you bring the vodka??) I know you all want me to get rich off of this blog because you love me and you know I will buy you all pool tables so we can go to Taco Tuesday somewhere that has decent damn tacos so I am not folding a chip around a mozzarella stick and calling it a 'culturally diverse taco'.
(There's probably some cultural appropriation in that last run-on sentence, but my white privilege prevents me from recognizing it, so my bad.)

Here is the link to Veronica's blog Grown Up Tantrums which is super hilarious and witty and rather salty as well!!  Just in case you want to follow us on this trip and publicly shame us on social media and stuff if we don't post EVERY DAMN DAY IN NOVEMBER!!

Also, I will find some new Ryan Gosling pics, like this one:

Okay, so it's not new but COME ON!!!  Look at those abs!!  <3

Halfway There - Or - What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

Soooo...I turned 42 over the weekend.




BOOM!




Just like that, half of my life is gone.








So, now that I am looking ahead, I am trying to figure out what the heck I am going to DO with myself. 






I don't really have a 'bucket list', but there are definitely some things I NEED to do....Santorini, Rome, Amalfi, Ryan Gosling.....




Okay, maybe not that last one, I am actually trying to be realistic here.








I need to go visit my wife in Australia.
I need to go skydiving.
I need to on a road trip that takes me to the 4 museums that have the dinosaur exhibits I most want to see.
I need......Oh, jeez, just way too much stuff.




I suppose I could have said "want" for the above items, but they feel a little more important than that.  In fact everything I feel like I need to do in the next 42 years is an actual need, simply because they are things that my life would be boring and unfulfilled without.


(And, yes, I realize the fact that I haven't done any of those things thus far means that my first 42 years can, technically, be deemed 'boring and unfulfilled' -- sigh -- let's not go there just now, ok?)




If you were to compare my life to the seasons, I would say I am at the end of my summer, looking forward to a fantastic autumn...and hoping winter doesn't suck!!


Since fall is my favorite season ever, I am excited about what this next stretch of my life will bring - like 42-63 is going to be epic and full of me doing everything I ever wanted to do but couldn't because ALL THE GIRLS!!!  Seriously, I have  been raising females--5, and not all together, but one after the other after the other -- for a CENTURY and they are expensive as hell, as well as time-consuming, soul-destroying, grey-hair-inducing, etc., etc., etc.






To be perfectly honest, I have never been a 'planner'...I am sure some of you are just so shocked by that, right???  ::::crickets chirp::::




Seriously, though, I have always been a sort of 'lets-do-this-and-then-that-and-see-what-happens' kind of a person, and, while I have had a lot of fun, I am starting to think that MAYBE that may not be the bet way to handle the next 42 years.




The question is, though?  How do you get there from here?




UGH!!  This kind of serious stuff is the kind of 'deep thinking' that I avoid whenever possible, which is probably why I always feel like an awkward teenager around my friends that are married and settled down and responsible and acting....well, grown up.




I can very easily sit here and say that I want to chuck it all in and go raise goats and chickens on a farm far away from humans, because that is the truth and I think about it every day.  Like, Every. Day.






However.....






I love my job, even on days when I hate it, and there is a red carpet totally rolled out for me right now.  Literally all I have to do is keep my tiara on straight and wave and smile as I walk down it without tripping and falling on my fat face, and I will be in corporate nirvana for the next 20 years.  And I can very easily say that I totally want to do that as well.




That is, of course, the story of my life.




I want this AND that...or maybe just this, or possibly that.


I know people that say, "Oh, you are just being a Libra, and they are notoriously wishy-washy.'  I would loooooooove to accept that, as it would abdicate me from alllllllll reponsibility for being flaky, ambivalent, and kind of immature.
However, Librans do not believe in astrology, so I suppose it is just one of my (numerous) character flaws.


I am like that about eeeeverrrryyyything, though.






I like being thin and having abs and arms that don't continue moving after I have stopped the hand-waving, but OH MY GOD CHEESE AND BREAD AND PASTA AND STEAK AND CHOCOLATE AND BEEEEEEER!!!!








I would also very much like to have a boyfriend, as I have been single for FIVE YEARS AS OF THIS VERY DAY.  It would be super nice to be hugging a DUDE instead of the keg in all the party/holiday/BBQpictures.  It would be super nice to have sex on a regular basis instead of scrolling through a list of FWBs and trying to figure out which one will be the least offended if you tell them they can't come in your house so you're gonna have to do it in the driveway in your car--KIDDING!!!  Sort of.  And, by 'sort of' I mean 'not kidding at all'.  Except I am.  Maybe.






ANYway, while being in a relationship sounds like a good idea right now, I also have to consider the fact that in the next 18 months, my child will be transitioning from elementary school to middle school, from tween to pubescent pre-teen, AND my job is going to get exponentially more demanding and time consuming....so should I even bother?  (Also, there is someone I am GOING to get naked with at my earliest opportunity, so is it fair to start dating someone that is NOT that dude and then dumping him once the opportunity....er....rears its head?  SORRY I HAD TO!!!!)






*SIGH*




Sometimes the sheer annoyance of being inside my own head makes me question the advisability of staying alive until I am 84.....






Also, in case you were wondering, I don't actually have a wife in Australia.  In fact, I think she is marrying some giant, sexy, muscle-bound stud sometime very soon....but that doesn't negate the necessity of the trip.




So, yeah, this is where I am mentally at this point.  Which is the same point I was at yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.......also last year and the year before that.




Kind of at a loss as to what the next step is for me, simply because I have a few too many options at this point, and I am a total spaz about being grown up, responsible, and consistent.








Soooooo, I am starting this groovy life experiment tomorrow--no, it's not Whole30...or is it Whole 30 with a space?--it's something entirely different, although it does happen to be a 30-day thing, and I will probably check in here from time to time to discuss it and if it is working or if I flaked on day 4 (most likely outcome) or if I ended up living on a farm with a sex maniac that does dishes, and has a pack of goats and chickens and a pet fox.






Although I will really just be logging on here to give me an excuse to Google 'shirtless Ryan Gosling'...


But you knew that already, right?














Like you wouldn't eat lasagna off those abs....DON'T LIE!!

I Literally DO NOT Belieb(er) This Sh!t.

I need to open by saying that I absolutely loathe that Despacito song that is on, everywhere all the time.

Loathe. It.

LOATHE.

So, it was super fun to drive down to CA, not listening to the radio, but jamming out (and singing along dreadfully) to a bunch of music that I really love.

I was assaulted by the Despacito song only 2 times over the weekend -- on Saturday while in Suckhole, CA (Chico), trying desperately to GTFO of that weird town, and the second time was as I was somewhere near Eugene on Monday night, and decided to turn the radio on.

Twice. Not bad; I could soooooo get used to that.

Anyway, back to my trip to CA. I got there around 1:00 on Saturday afternoon, and I was WIPED!!! I hadn't slept since I woke up Friday morning at 5:00 am, and I had just driven eleventy-billion miles, had a harrowing detour through Suckhole, CA (Chico), and it was hoooooootttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

I decided to swing by my former place of employment, because I had thoughtfully and generously bought some Voodoo Donuts to share with my compadres. If you don't know what Voodoo Donuts are, you can do a Google.

They are magic.

 YES, they are donuts, which means fat and sugar and gluten and alllllllll the bad things.

But they are bomb AF, and you should eat the ODB (Old Dirty Bastard -crushed Oreo's and peanut butter drizzle), the Oh Captain, My Captain (white frosting and CRUNCH BERRY CEREAL on top), and the maple bacon (nuff said) bar TODAY.

EAT THEM, I TELL YOU!!!

This is the ODB!!  My only joy in life.

Anyway, the last time I had dropped Voodoo off to the homies was in TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN.

Three friggin' years ago.

So, it's not like I made it a daily, weekly, monthly, or even an annual habit. I actually thought I was being the fun former work person who comes from out of state to bestow magical Pacific Northwest treats, like some benevolent, benign sugar fairy.
LOLZ.

NOPE.

I was, in fact, dropping off a box of death and destruction and am clearly just not a good person as a result of my attempt to poison the innocent do-gooders I left the Death Circles for.

One of the people that was duped into eating the garbage that I brought down, posted a pic of them and made a funny little post thanking me for ruining his diet.

All funny, all good, right?

Not so much. Within hours, this saber-toothed tiger broad (it's when you are too old to be a cougar...so, basically me in about 5 effing minutes) was all up on the Facebook going on and on about how this dude shouldn't eat the donuts and how bad they were, blah, blah, blah.  "Oh, people mean well, but...you know, she is clearly trying to kill you."

I was like, jeez, bitch, calm your tits! IT WAS A FUCKING DONUT, NOT THE BAG OF METH I HAD IN THE CAR!!! (kidding! I swear!)

I didn't say anything, though, although I ALMOST did when I saw that she was, like, “I didn't want to say anything since they were a gift, but ohmygodyouwillfuckingdieofeatingtheglutendeathcircleandhowcouldthathorriblepersonwhoclaimstobeyourfrienddothattoyouyoupoorsexythingnowwhydontyoucomeoverandletmerubyourbackandyourjunkuntilyouareoverit”

Or something like that.

Anyway, I was super pissed. Like, lady, if you want to bone the kid, just tell him so, and don't try to bond with him by slagging off another one of his friends about some frickin' donuts.

Whatevs.

You know me, food not feelings, so I decided, rather than respond and be an angry FB bitch, I would eat an entire pizza because CARBS ARE EVERYTHING.

I went to Mama's Pizza in North San Juan and ordered what was probably the second best margherita pizza I have ever had in my entire life, and I ate HALF of it in about 5 minutes. And this place doesn't do "sizes".  Allll the pizzas are large.  Every one.  Seriously, though, it was that good. Crust was amazing, crispy, doughy, and chewy, they have the BEST sauce in the world, and fresh-fresh, fragrant basil with fantastic farm tomatoes and gooey mozzarella. That pizza was AMAZING!!

Seriously, if you are ever in Nevada City and you feel like pizza and you have some free time, GO TO MAMA's. But call first, as they have some really weird hours that aren't necessarily the same ones posted on their FB page.

Anyway, I decided to write what ended up being yesterday's blog, as my fever of rage over the Suckhole, CA (Chico) incident was still fresh in my mind, not to mention Mrs. Robinson's attack on what I thought was kind of a fun gesture.

I took a scalding hot shower, climbed onto one of the fluffiest, coziest beds ever, and popped open my laptop, with the pizza box from Mama's next to it on a towel. I inhaled 2 more pieces of pizza while my computer was turning on, I opened my blogger page and started typing.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

At 5;00 Sunday morning, I woke up from one of the most blissful sleeps I have ever had in my life, face imprinted from the laptop's keyboard, denuded pizza crust in my left hand, and open pizza box with only 2 basil-ly fragrant pieces left.

I felt almost as fabulous as I had the last time I had sex, and even the fact that I had failed to brush my teeth before passing out, thus leaving my mouth feeling like an empty can of tomato sauce, did not affect my general sense of well-being.

MAN, I love carbs.

Anyway, I got up, took another fabulous shower, brushed my teeth for, like, infinity, and then went downstairs to an AMAZING breakfast of blueberry pancakes, fresh fruit, hot coffee, amazing sausage links, and icy OJ on tap.

Let me pause here and tell you that Milano's Inn is, LITERALLY, the only place you should consider sleeping if you are in the Nevada City-Grass Valley area. Gorgeous themed rooms with fresh, crisp linens, boiling hot water on demand, fluffy pillows, and delectably firm mattresses. Breakfast, with the AMAZING proprietors, is always locally sourced eggs, meats, and fruits and veggies, plus delicious coffee with fresh cream. For $80 a night, there is nothing better in the area. NOTHING.

Gorgeous, inside and out.  Basically, the opposite of me.

Anyway, after I handled my business in Nevada County, I headed home – a scant 48 hours after my arrival.

Carefully avoiding Suckhole, CA (Chico), I made my way home, rocking out to my preselected jams.

When I got near Eugene, I turned on the radio, only to be attacked by that flippin' “Despacito” song, and quickly hit 'SCAN'.

Suddenly, there it was.

MY JAM.

“I'm The One”

Delicious jam, and I was KILLING IT with my Carpool Disco moves.

My new favorite song, ever.

I was JAMMIN' (Bob Marley Jammin) to this song. I hit 'scan', and there it was again. And again.

And. Again.

Damn, this song is the shit!!!

Soooooo, I got home, passed out for 4 unsatisfactory hours, woke up, went to work – yes, on the 4^th of July!! – and did a bit of a Google, only to find out that my new favorite song EVAH is, in fact, a MOTHER EFFING JUSTIN BIEBER SONG!!!

WTF?

So, this is who I am now.

Evil, dangerous purveyor of deadly gluten/fat/sugar death circles, and a JUSTIN BIEBER fan.

No wonder I can't get a boyfriend.....

Oh, well, as long as there are Ryan Gosling photos on tap on the interwebs, I guess I am OK.

*Sigh*