How Have You Changed in the Past 2 Years?
Wow. This one was a
doozy, guys. I tried to write this one
about 500 different times today. I tried
to be flippant and joke about my hair and weight and wrinkles, I tried to keep
it light and breezy, and I tried to gloss over things, but there is one
cardinal rule to great writing (not that I think this will be great, exactly)—and
to life in general:
"Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell
the truth"
— Sheryl Louise Moller
To really
bring light to the changes I have gone through in the past 2 years, and
adequately express myself, I need to set the scene….
****Cue Imperial Death March****
2 years ago,
I was a couple of months out of a disastrous relationship….I am not a ‘disastrous
relationship’ kind of gal, mind you. I
am friends with nearly every person I have ever dated-- and when I say ‘friends’,
I mean just that. As in, ‘I would LOVE to have lunch with you and your new girlfriend/meet
your fiancee/babysit your kids on Friday’ kind of friends. Also, I don’t usually date idiots, mama’s boys,
whiners, wieners, schmucks, morons, or douche bags.
Until. I.
Did.
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| Even someone as dumb as this baby would not have dated this dude. |
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I am not
going to give you all the dirty details, you will have plenty of opportunities to judge me as this thing chugs along, so I
will summarize: Every one of my friends
thought he was an idiot. My oldest daughter
loathed him. My baby sister (who is a daughter,
best friend, brattiest little sister in the world, antagonist, and partner-in-crime,
all rolled into one) got terrible
vibes about him and used to beg me to not date him because she was convinced
something awful was going to happen.
He wasn’t violent or abusive–just immature, petulant, jealous,
mean, petty, and –right at the very end-I think a rampant pill-popper….. At any rate, one day I listened to him bitch,
moan, and whine on the phone, and I thought about what I would do if any of my
girls was dating someone like him, and that was it. I was done.
Just. Like.
That.
Unfortunately,
he was not.
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| Literally said this to me in a text..... |
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What followed
was months of stalking…..text messages, email, voice mail, faxes, stuff left at
my door step, etc. I even talked him
into moving 2,400 miles away (I am that good, ya’ll, I really am!), and he kept contacting me, walking
into my office unannounced when he visited his kids, and in general causing me to be as paranoid as a crack-head at a Policeman’s Ball.
Keeping up?
2 years ago,
this is what was going on: Factor 1: Psycho ex stalking me.
Factor
2: Guilt over allowing that relationship to drive a wedge
between me and the people I loved. Factor 3: MAJOR
self-doubt/self-loathing at allowing the relationship to happen in the first
place, much less drag on for 2 years. Factor 4: I was fat. I was eating constantly, partly to cope with
stress (yes, yes, I have been known to eat my feelings—and by ‘feelings’, I
mean ‘Krispy Kreme’s and pizza’- don’t you judge me.), and partly because I
figured that, if I was fat, I would not have to worry about getting in any more
relationships, as there are very few men that want to date a little meatball
with a brassy red afro. Factor 5: I was working in an industry I
loved, with a group of people I adored, in a position that I was neither suited
for, nor brought me even a shred of satisfaction or joy.
Factor 6: There may—just may—have been some drinking and
smoking going on. Copiously. Factor 7: Constant
worry about out-of-state family members and their physical and mental declines.
Basically, I was in a place where the only thing that kept
me functioning, breathing, and getting out of bed was my Little Roo. She is truly one of life’s characters, and as
resilient as they come. I spent weeks
and months smiling and smiling and smiling and making sure everything about her
waking hours was sunshine and lollipops and angels shitting glitter from the
sky. But, I really felt that something
was going to have to give, or my brain was going to leak out of my ears while I
slept.
Too much has happened in the past 2 years to give details
about, but here is a summary:
-Moved to the wilds of Northern CA, back to my hometown.
-Lived on an off-grid farm, grew my own food, played with animals,
and hiked in pristine woods with no people around for miles--This was the view from about 30 feet out my front door:
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| This photo was totally used with Brett's permission and not at all stolen from my sister's FB page! |
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-Hiked, swam, and played at the Yuba River (GTS, guys, it is
AH-MAYZE-ING!)
-Got a job working with the best damn group of people
anywhere…ANY. EFFING. WHERE.
www.nsjfire.org
-Developed a crush on someone completely inappropriate, and
had to see this person constantly and just, like, drool into my coffee mug and
try to make coherent sentences on the few occasions I had to talk to him, all
the while making sure no one found out. (Gotta tell you, as a major flirt and a
sliiiiightly promiscuous hussy *formerly—on both counts*,
it was very bizarre and uncomfortable for me to do those things)
-Sat on the roof at night with Lexi and my nephews,
underneath a velvet-black sky, just marveling at the stillness, the vastness of
the universe, and the sheer number of stars you can see when there are no
lights for miles.
-Hung out with a bunch of amazing family members and friends
that I hadn’t seen for years.
-Went days and weeks without makeup, hair dye, shaving, watching
TV, wearing nice clothes, or fixing my mangled nail polish, and loved it.
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| This chick is a bit more attractive than me, but you would not BELIEVE what happened when I Googled "dirty hippy chick" DON'T DO IT!!!! |
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All in all, I spent 18 months rebuilding fractured family
relationships, painting and redecorating the interior of my parents’ house,
working on their property, living close to nature, breathing clean air, chilling
with goats, dogs, cats, and rabbits (as well as skunks, bears, thieving-ass
deer, and birds EVERYWHERE!), meditating, hanging out with Lexi and her crazy
friends, making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, and really trying
to ‘fix’ my family-- failing spectacularly--but having the time of my life. Ha.
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| Mike Tyson said that. Go figure. |
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About mid-August, the karma fairies showed up, and apparently I was either Attila the Hun, Pol Pot, Vlad The Impaler, or, like,
Bill Cosby or Paris Hilton in a past life, because things went a little
sideways, then a little more, then a little more until - quite suddenly – it was
imperative that I move back to the
PNW... Immediately. In that lovely time period, my beloved
uncle-- the only brother to my loopy mum and her wild sisters, the only father
figure most of my cousins and their kids had for years, and just an all-around decent human being – suddenly died a
couple of days before Thanksgiving. No
words to describe how absolutely fucking awful that was and continues to be for my family...
Now, you could make the argument that not much has changed
for me from 2 years ago…..Chaos?
Check. Family turmoil? Check.
Single? Check. Chunky?
Check. (But not as bad as 2 years ago…no Krispy Kreme in NSJ!) Career up in the air? WHAT career?!?
The only difference is I know this:
Do I know how I changed in the past 2 years? Not really.
I do know a couple of things, though, and I am going to share them
with you, because they are the only
things that have kept me sane lately, and –because I know them—I know I am
going to be just fine 2 years from now, and 2 years after that, and 2 years
after that!
1.
There is a reason
they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before attempting to help anyone else
in a plane emergency--- you can’t help anyone if you can’t breathe. This is true, I’ve been there repeatedly.
2.
Every chance you get to
go out into the trees, into the woods, to the lake, the river, the mountains,
etc., DO IT! Humans, in general, are
horrifically disconnected from the natural world, and that is just silly. Even if you can only go in your back yard and
take your shoes off and walk in the dirt and grass for 10 minutes---DO
THAT! Seriously. You will thank me later. You're welcome.
3.
Life is all about
choices. Trite, yes? Truth.
You choose who you allow to drain your energy, you choose to eat pizza
instead of a salad, doughnuts instead of fruit and nuts, you choose to take
your kids to the mall where the air is dead and lifeless and the lights
unnatural, instead of taking them to the park or the woods or to play somewhere
in the sunshine. You choose to read
tabloid magazines and compare yourself -unfavorably- to airbrushed photos of
people with entire teams devoted to getting that one picture just right. You choose to focus on what you don’t have
instead of being grateful for every damn step you take on your two (probably
ugly and gross) feet (sorry, I don’t mean that your feet are ugly and gross—just all feet. Including yours.), the roof over your head,
and all of the other amazing things in your life. Make better choices, and you can change your
world.
4.
Don’t take yourself so
damn seriously. I am going to give you a
little spoiler about my life. And
yours. We die at the end. Every. Last. Fucking. One. Of. Us. What you do between now and then…..that’s all
up to you. Make it amazing.
5.
Ryan Gosling Is super-hot
and I was going to put another shirtless picture of him right here, but I
decided to leave you with some words of wisdom from my hero, idol, and muse….
