7 - Bullet Your Day

• Wake up.
• Check phone.
• Hell, naw!  It's 1:30 (or 2:45, or 3:15 or 4:12)
• Try to go back to sleep for 5 minutes.
• Lay there and think about alllllll the things I could be doing instead of laying there thinking.
• Go on Facebook for approx. 20 minutes.
• Do the math to see how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep RIGHT NOW.
• Go on Msn.com
• Put phone down and try to sleep. (If I wake up before 3, chances are I will fall asleep)
• Pick up phone and Google "where are they now" about casts of various 80s movies: Heathers, Teen Witch, Just One of the Guys, etc.
• Do the math to see how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep RIGHT NOW.
• Google things like "surgery to reduce nostril size", 'where is it legal to own a pet fox', 'why does my cat chew on my scalp', etc.
• Drink a glass of water
• Contemplate getting up and going to the gym. (LOL)
• Use timeanddate.com to see how many seconds it's been since I had sex.
• Do the math to see how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep RIGHT NOW.
• Get super tired and doze off at 5:55 am
• Hit the snooze button at 6:00 am
• Spend 2 minutes thinking of all of the reasons I should get up right now.
• Doze off or lay there trying to decide what is wrong with me - I NEED TO GET UP!!
• Hit snooze at 6:10.
• At 6:11, pick up phone and FB until 6:30.
• Drink a glass of water and make tea.
• Go to Starbucks for a coffee.
• At 6:45, shake Lexi's arm and shout in her face until her eyelids peel open.
• Watch as she gets furious, refuses to get up because "I'm stretching!!" and then dozes off.
• At 6:50 shake Lexi's arm and shout in her face until her eyelids peel open.
• Feed Lexi breakfast.
• Send her off to change and get ready.
• Verify backpack she packed last night does, in fact have her iPad, her completed homework, her Club card, and her pencil case.
• Pack her lunch and put in backpack.
• Bang on bathroom door and ask if she is ready.
• Listen as she kicks the door and shouts, "I am CHANGING!".
• Stand back as she yanks the door open so I can re-do her hair.
• Hustle her downstairs to double check her backpack.
• Shower, dress, put hair up in 10 minutes flat.
• Try to get Lexi out the door while she scrambles to find her phone and headphones.
• Shove Lexi out the door, lock bottom lock and head to car.
• Discover I don't have my car keys.
• Storm back to get them. Have locked myself out with no keys.
• Use library card, Driver's License, or similar to break into house.
• Grab house keys.  Car keys not on silver dish in entry specifically there to hold keys.
• Keys not in yesterday's coat. Or in yesterday's handbag.
• Keys not on any flat surface in house.
• Find keys sticking out from under pantry door where demon cats have playfully skidded them.
• Lock house, get in car.
• Drive 2 miles.
• 'Mom!  I don't have my iPad!!!', Yes you do, I put it there myself. 'I know, but when I was checking if all my stuff was in there, I moved things around so I could bring my new Beanie-Boos to school and I took it out!!'
• Turns car around.
• Drives 2 miles home.
• Locates iPad, gets back in car.
• Shouts at dumb kid the entire 20 minute drive to her school about responsibility and having systems in place (LOL).
• Get to school and realize she had headphones on the whole time and heard nothing.
• Drive 20 minutes to work. 

Tomorrow's post!!

I literally cannot deal with this anymore!!


I will finish it tomorrow, but this COUNTS, dammit!!

No, Alexandra, There Is No Santa Claus, And Your Mom Is A Big, Fat, Liar!

This is pretty much how I found out about Santa....when I was FOUR!!!

This is the year.

2016 has been such a CF of a year, and so many great people and things have gone out of the world this year, that I feel a little guilty about adding to it. 

It's time for one more goodbye in my household, and I am not looking forward to this at all!!

This is the year Santa bids a fond farewell to my Little Roo.

Yes, I have been lying to my child for a decade.  Yes, I have perpetuated an entire season based on a lie, and am shamelessly going to attempt to get out of it without hurting my child or outing myself as a big fat liar. 

Damn, this takes the fun right out of our otherwise joyous Christmas 2016.  (You need to re-read that sentence in your most sarcastic tone ever...) 

Yes, I am trying to make this season special for Lexi.  Yes, I am succeeding, but I can tell you that it's really effing hard. 

REALLY. FUCKING. HARD.

A bit cheesy, but true....  :(

There is a lot of crying in the shower.  There is a lot of forcing smiles.  There is a lot of feigning enthusiasm.  I am trying, though.  Or doing---whatever, Yoda; the point is, it is WORK.



My sister, who has been a rock for me AND Lexi the past 4+ months, made a remark about Lexi losing Santa and her dad in the same year, and though she was being funny, it did make me question my decision.

Should I take away a benign and beloved holiday institution when she is still heart sore and shell-shocked from losing her Daddy?

Will I exacerbate her feelings of abandonment?  Will I scar her for life and end up with a teenager that runs around putting out because of Daddy issues and because she found out her mom was a big fat liar during the most formative year of her life?

Or will she just deal with it in her typically resilient, laid-back Lexi fashion?

I don't know, but I don't think I can dither about this any longer.

The fact is, this is the year.  I just know in my heart that the time is now. 

I thought of a lot of ways to do this, mostly trying to find ways that keeps me out of the hot seat (not gonna lie, I considered blaming her Dad for the whole entire thing, but figured that was too much--even for me!!!), or at least doesn't make her ask me questions about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or whatever else I may have lied to her about during the course of her first decade of life.  (wow, that Mother of The Year Nomination just writes itself, doesn't it??)

I read "Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus", and decided to let Lexi have one more year of Santa, and that fat fucker can break it to her himself, via her annual Christmas Letter. 

Read on....


Dear Lexi,
My what a busy year you have had!  I realize that some things have happened this year that may have caused your heart to break, but I have been watching over you, and I see how far you have come since then.  You are one of the bravest little girls I know. 

And, yes, Lexi, I do know you.  I know how fierce and wild you are, and what a creative and exciting imagination you have!  It has been very hard for me to find the right things to bring you to stimulate your mind and help you grow as a person, and I hope you have enjoyed them over the years.
Lexi, I have a secret to tell you, and a mission that is just for you.  I know how brave and good your heart is, so I am very excited to ask you to help me out.

There is something about me that parents are not supposed to tell their children.  I always decide each year which children are ready to hear my secret and help me in the years to come.  You have grown up so much this year, that I know you are ready.

Lexi, this year was the last year I will come to your house and leave presents under the tree.  As children grow up and move toward becoming teenagers, they have to let go of me.  That may make you sad, but I promise I will check in on you and I will always leave something special in your stocking from me to you.

I hope you aren't too upset about this.  This is the part where I share my secret, and the job I need you to do for me.

You see, Lexi, I am made up of all of the goodness and Christmas cheer that people hold in their hearts this time of year.  As long as there are good-hearted people out there like you that believe in me and believe in the magic of Christmas, I can continue to bring gifts to little children around the world.  I know you have watched a lot of different movies about me over the years, and everyone has a different idea of how I work and what I really do.  One thing that remains consistent in those movies is the message of faith, hope, and love.  Those three things are what Christmas is all about, and they are what makes it possible for me to work some Christmas magic every year.

Your job, your mission, the thing I need you to do for me is this:

Keep faith, hope, and love in your heart -- not just at Christmas, but all through the year.  (Although, I DO need those things from you a little more at Christmas!!)
Can you do that for me, Lexi?  Can you keep the joy of the holiday season in your heart and try to spread it all through the year? 
Keep believing in magic, in miracles, and in me. 
Keep being kind to others.
Keep the faith -- in me, in other people, and in yourself most of all.
Keep hope alive in your heart, and give hope to others whenever and wherever you can.  There is always hope for a better tomorrow, Lexi.  There is always hope for miracles to happen in your life and in your heart.  There is always hope...always.
Keep your loving heart; you are one of the most loving little girls I know.  Spread that love to others for me, all through the year.

Like I said, I will still keep an eye on you here and there, but new children are being born all the time, which means the big kids have to let me go....it's just another thing you outgrow...like diapers, and training wheels, and sleeping with a night light on.

Merry Christmas, my precious Little Lexi, Merry Christmas to you this year and every year to come.

Love, Santa.


PS - I noticed that your mom is on the naughty list again this year.  I am putting you in charge of getting her off that list, ok?  (I know that probably seems impossible, but she does have it in her!}
So, I wont be leaving big presents under the tree or footprints around your house, but every year you will get something small and special from me in your stocking, and your mom will keep getting a potato (until you get her back on the nice list!) in hers. 

I love you, sweet girl, please remember that, and remember your mission.

Making a list, checking it twice.

So, that's it.  Well, mostly.  I am sure I will make some revisions a few times between now and Christmas, but you get the gist of it.

Like I said, I am pretty torn about telling her this year in light of losing her Dad, but I really felt this was the right time.  She's 10, and most of her cousins and a great portion of her friends don't believe, but have thoughtfully abstained from telling her, so it's basically a matter of time until she finds out.  I really prefer Lexi find out about most things in life from me (except the Facts of Life.....if any of you mamas want to pitch hit for me on that convo, hit me up!!!), so I just have to bite the bullet and get through this.

If any of you have any suggestions, input, or advice on how you handled this, you can always leave it in the comments, or PM me...I'm actually a little terrified about telling her!!

That's all I got tonight folks, except this!!!

Merry Christmas to MEEEE!