30 Day Chellenge - Day 17 - Be VERY Afraid.

Things That Make You Scared

So, yeah, I am gonna leave off the things that any parent/humanitarian/tree-hugger worries about...clearly, some things are just scary to humans.

This post isn't about humans, tho, it's about me (wait, what?) and the few things that make me want to run away and hide in the closet with a loaded Sig Sauer P320 and a machete.

The list of stuff that scares the pants right offa me is getting shorter as I get older, but there are 3 things that freak me out SO BAD, that sharting myself is always a real possibility....


Scary-Ass Thing #1:



THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE!!!!!

One of my "friends" who is a furry a*hole sent me this picture.  It's a miracle he is still alive.  (for now---talking to YOU, DB!!--ps, just noticed your initials are 'DB"...coincidence?  I think not!!!)

I HATE CLOWNS....THEY SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME WORSE THAN A CONTAMINATED ECSTASY TABLET!!!
  
For real---who in the hell would ever think anyone that looks like the mofo up there  should come to your house and make balloon animals for your kids on their birthday?



Listen up, fools; Clowns are scary. Scary. As. Fuck.  AND, they are all crazy!!  If you think clowns are funny or cool or interesting, you are crazy!!  

It's bad enough that their makeup and hair is all crazy, but the white, white, white-ness of their makeup makes their teeth and eyeballs look a dingy yellow, which is creepy as fuck too!

I have never seen a remotely friendly-looking clown.....
Even Ronald McDonald is one creepy-ass dude, and I am surprised he has lasted this long as a mascot for food...food THAT KILLS PEOPLE, by the way!!!


This is the first Ronald McDonald----does this look like someone you want around your kids?????

What's the forecast, Willard??  Raining buckets of blood?  No shit....

He has evolved over the years to THIS mofo!!!  

You know why the baby is crying??  Because clowns are FUCKING SCARY!!!

I don't know why any parent would let their kid hang out with Ronald McDonald....I don't know why any parent would bring a clown to their child's birthday party....Clowns are scary enough all by themselves, but when you add this POS to the mix....well, clowns are wrong....Just. Wrong.

I am not going to go into anything about JWG or the psycho bullshit he pulled, but if a dude like this showed up in my neighborhood, I would threaten him with a ventilated abdomen if he set one shiny red shoe anywhere near my road.

Come on, now, do ANY of you like clowns or think they are amusing or child-friendly entertainers?????  If so, I would love to hear your (psychotic) answer....you can comment below.


Scary Ass Thing #2:

  Dwarves.  Yes, yes, I know, I am a fucking asshole for being afraid of dwarves.....I don't care.  And, NO, I am not driving out to the Roloff farm to see that 'little people are people too'.  Seriously, some of you mofos are afraid of pit-bulls, black people, and other not-so-PC things, so you leave me and my Achondroplasiaphobia alone, thank you!!!!



Pretty sure it was these fools that got this shit started.....

If I was Dorothy, I would have stolen that lollipop, jumped over these weirdos, and headed for the hills

As you all know from our court system and Hollywood, childhood trauma excuses all kinds of shitty behavior as an adult, so I can be as afraid as I want since I had to watch this crap every year.  On a black-and-white TV.  With foil on the rabbit ears.  AND it didn't have a remote, I had to get up and turn the knobs to change the channel!!  (sob, sob!)

Anyway, enough about my traumatic childhood, let's talk about little people.  SHORT people are okay, but if your shit is under 4 feet, you don't have any elbows, and you have abnormally small/large body parts that are visible when you are dressed---I'm skerred.  For reals.  

Also, these mini sons-a-bitches.  I woulda drop-kicked these creeps into the Wonkavision TV!

When I was a bartender, I had a customer that was a dwarf and she always wanted to hug me.  Which made me sweat and cry.  But I did it!!  Because tips, yo.  But it was very scary, and I didn't like it.   

I used to run away from them in public.  And not in an a*hole, obvious way....just a very calm, cool, change of direction, followed by ducking into an alley, diving into a dumpster, and sucking my thumb for about 20 minutes---sounds gross, but you can meet lots of guys that way---seriously.

However, my irrational and somewhat inappropriate fear is gradually being assuaged by this bad-ass mofo:

I LOVE this guy!!  I even named my cat after him!!  

Seriously.  If you like to read, and you haven't read George R R Martin's 'Song of Ice and Fire' series, GO DO IT NOW.  Hands down, some of the best books I ever read...and I have probably read more books than any of you guys!!  Anyway, one of the main characters is a badass dwarf named Tyrion Lannister.  And he runs around out-scheming the schemers, out-wenching the wenchers, out-drinking everyone, and generally being one bad-ass motherfucker--he makes Samuel L. Jasckons look like Bill Cosby.  Wait, what??  I mean Jello-eating Dr. Huxtable Bill Cosby, and not roofie-dropping, date-raping Bill Cosby, obvi!!

So, yeah, now when I see dwarves, I still get sweaty palms and increased-blood-pressure-with-the-possibility-of-imminent-urination, but I am also a bit more calm and secretly wondering if they are plotting to overthrow their overbearing family or looking for hookers or people to imprison, and I kinda want to follow them around to see what shenanigans they might be getting up to....you could say I am getting over this phobia, one Sunday at a time. (that reference is to the series Game of Thrones, which airs on Sunday nights).

(PS - Don't even think about correcting me and saying I should have said 'dwarfs' and not 'dwarves'...if it's good enough for Tolkien, it's good enough for me!)

Scary Ass Thing #3

Dolls.  Dolls, Dolls, DOLLS!! 

I don't mean Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake, or even the female GI Joe characters...which my brother insisted were dolls, not action figures! I am talking about these bitches:

Awww...how cute.......NOT!

So, THAT ^^^^^^^ is what dolls look like during the day.....

But, in my head, THIS is what they turn into at night....

Mother. Of. God!!!!!!

Seriously.  My daughter does not own one friggin' doll.  Not. A. One.  My mother buys all of those freaky-ass Franklin Mint dolls, and she keeps them in her house and is constantly trying to offload some onto me.  I have told her a million times that I can't handle these damn things, and that having one in my home would give me a nervous breakdown.  She has even gone so far as to come visit me with one of her devil-dolls in her bags, and then 'accidentally' left it out my house.....Guess what?  A bitch ended up at Goodwill before the sun went down---straight up!!!

I don't see how any parent could look at these creepy-ass things and decide, "Wow, I need to torture my kids by leaving this thing in her room to freak her out so she can't sleep!"  Seriously, don't you know what shenanigans these bitches get up to in your kids' rooms when they are sleeping????  

Dolls are so creepy, that an evil doll got her own movie spin-off, which grossed almost 100K at the box office last year....
Did I watch "Annabelle"? 

HELL NO!!!  

And I never will.  Because I don't want to accidentally piss that crazy bitch off and wake up with her peeking in my window...seriously.  

Would YOU want to wake up and see this scratching at the thin pane of glass separating you from her wrath????

Seriously, Annabelle, I like you a lot and think you are very pretty....now please don't kill me!!

That's it, guys!!  Things That Make Me Scared!!!!  

I am sooooooo scared right now, just from putting all of these damn pictures in this blog, that I need to go to my room and look at this for the rest of the night.....

There....all better!!!

Cheers, ya'll!!!