Day Whatever - Things You Want To Say To 5 Different People

Things You Want To Say To 5 Different People

 

 

 

 
 
  This could be fun......the possibilities for a full-on bitchfest are eeeeeennnddlleeesssssssssss!  

 

However, I am trying to keep my words and deeds a little less snarky and a lot more sappy this year, ok? 

Wait....that can't be right?

 

 

 

So, here are the 5 lucky people, ALL of whom I am going to use aliases for, so as not to share their biz-nazzz all over the interwebs.

 

#1.  ELJ.
This is hard....what do you say to someone that you think is the most special, amazing, awesome person on the planet?  Every time I look at you, I think "You. Are. Here."  And how amazing is that?  You overcame so many obstacles from the minute you took your first shaky breath on lungs that barely worked.  You came.  You saw. And you are kicking ass at life.  What more can any person ask for in someone they love to the point of insanity?  As I watch you on your journey, I am struck with wonder at all that you are.  You have created yourself from yourself.  I have watched your parents bumble, fumble, and utterly screw up at parenting you, yet you have turned into the most marvelous, amazing, joyful, cynical, hilarious, adventurous soul I have ever had the good fortune to meet. 



Always
 


 You should know that I think about you when I am falling asleep, sending you loving thoughts and peaceful vibes to have good dreams that make you rested and fulfilled when you wake up.  I think about you when I wake up, and wish you safe days full of adventure, knowledge, and fun.  When I am far away from you, I wish on stars that your life will be filled with beautiful experiences and endless love.  Sunsets on the beach, sunrises in the mountains; you are always with me.  Am I the best friend/role model/advice-giver ever?  Nope.  I am probably very low on your list of influential people in your life and heart, and I deserve that.  Just know that most of the steps I take in life, you are walking with me...not holding my hand---totally not your style!---but in the quiet moments, where I have pause to think about how lovely the world is, you are right there with my heart in your hands.  I am not sure what random, magical, purposeful, pre-ordained, unplanned acts of the universe led to me being able to meet you, but here you are. 




Yep


 You are here, and I am so grateful to be an observer on your journey.




#2. SH.
Yeah, um, how are we even alive? 
 The best thing about lifelong friends is you can say things to them like this:
"I won your divorce on the radio"
Your Dodge Dart
Posing in the Giant Chair.
26/62
GET ON THE BUS
Ooooops!!! Sorry I walked in on that!


And they will immediately know what you are talking about---even better, they will immediately bust out into the warmest, richest, most hilariously infectious laugh the world has ever heard, because they know the whole damn story from "Once up upon a time..." to "...and they lived interestingly ever after".  Ohhhhh, my dear, how I love you.  Can't even count the ways, because there aren't enough numbers.  When I met you, I was not sure I would like you---mainly because pervy Bob used YOU as an excuse for shaming me  for not hugging him whenever he tried.. But we got through that, didn't we?  We also got through an AMAZING number of goofy men....John, Justin, Todd, Vince, LUDO!! LOUIS, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, (did I mention all the Jim's???) and...wait, WHAT was his name??  You and I have come through the fire together, and we STILL LOOK FABULOUS!!!  I love you forever, precious, and I am so glad I had you to lean on (mostly because I was drunk) and that you could lean on me (when I was wearing flats)! xoxox  BFF, baby!



US



#3. SLJ
I guess, when someone saves your life, you say "Thank You."  Right?  Well, what exactly do you say to someone that saves your soul?  What do you say to someone that stops you when you are actively slapping layers of concrete on your heart so it can stop breaking all the time, and puts their hands around it, and holds it ever so gently until it begins to heal and beat on its own again?  "Thank You" seems so inadequate....

When I met you, I was a confused, abused, scared angry kid.  You helped me in so many ways, so many different times.  Your irrepressible optimism, your unwavering faith in a better day, and your unquenchable patience and love was the rope I used to climb out of the hole that I started in.   People talk about 'the light at the end of the tunnel' for near-death experiences....have I ever been near death?  Not sure.  I just know that every single time that tunnel got really dark, every time I was in despair and wondering what I was worth, I got a light.  It was YOU, with your great heart, holding the lamp high so I could keep going. 

This is you....

You have given so much love to the person I love best in this world, and the fact that you two have such a special, loving friendship eases my heart when I worry about the both of you.  No one knows the many times I have poured my heart out to you, or the  times you have confided in me things I will take to the grave.  I wish the whole world could know what great love you have in your heart and how brightly it shines in mine every single day.  I don't write you or call you (or email, Facebook, Twitter, or text you) as much as your real family does, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, pray for you, wish great things to you, or send you all the love I can as much as I am able.  In my life you have been a role model, a hero, a wise advice-giver, a shoulder to cry on, a friend, a hand up, and a heart that held me close.  So, dear friend, I say this to you:

Danke.
Mahalo.
Arigato.
Merci.
Grazie.
Ahsante.

And, more importantly...

Ich Liebe Dich
Aloha wau ia oi
Aishiteru
Je t`aime
 Ti amo
Ninapenda wewe

This applies to all 4 of you ladies in this blog....but not you, TC...sorry!

#4  TKS
So, I know you read this blog....and I am a tiny bit surprised about it, but not too much.  You and I are as about different as night and day in every way imaginable.  Except the most important way, the best, brightest, and most fabulous way that people can be the same, and that is that our hearts all love unconditionally. 

 You have a belief system that could cause you to shun, judge, and turn your back on me, yet all I have ever received from you is the unconditional love of one friend to another.  You have been at my side since I was nearly a child, maybe being surprised at finding me in the same place you were, but always accepting me for who I was.  When the universe smashed my heart into a thousand pieces, you offered me your heart and hand in friendship.  I danced at your wedding reception with my husband, and hugged you with joy, even though our married lives were like apples and oranges, and our experiences should have divided us....whenever anyone speaks of religious intolerance I think of you.  Because you epitomize all that is love and tolerance and caring and sharing to everyone you meet---no matter their beliefs.    Loving, "mom-ing", caring, and just being yourself.  You have been my friend for a thousand years, it seems to me (or, ONLY ALMOST 24 YEARS in Lexi-speak!), only because I know every time I see you, it will be as if not one thing has changed, and we are still hugging because we won (GO MINERS!), or hugging because we lost, or hugging because the unimaginable happened, or hugging from joy....always joy with you, dearest  TK(S), always joy.  xoxo

#5 TC
Oh, you....Dear, dear handsome, funny, interesting love of mine.  Yep, I just said it...I love you.  Interesting how that works out, though.  I love you, but that doesn't mean you love me back.  Nor does it mean that the last 7+ years you and I have spent revolving in each others orbits means a damn thing.  The funny thing about you is that I thought I was immune to you and your rather...unique charms.  We tried dating for a bit, and it did not work, for too many reasons to list even though I really thought I wanted it to.  So, I really thought I was okay with our sort of halfway-whatever-you-want-to-call-it-thing.   Then, a few things happened, and I had to wonder if the periodic, fleeting fun we had together was worth me dying a tiny bit every time I realized that what we had was nothing to you.....

I wish.....

The first was, you sent me a message about me not seeing you recently, and you said this "You treated me poorly so we quit seeing each other... not my fault I still have feelings"  And I thought about that...did I really treat you THAT poorly?  I know I used to rub your feet after work, and everyone knows---or should know---how I feel about feet--- but if they know that, then maybe they know how I feel about you.  I know I tried to make you chicken and dumplings because you said you liked it, even though I LOATHE "American-home-cookin", and your only response was to complain about the fact that I used bone-in-meat (Goooooo Southern Living Magazine!), even though I didn't know that....but I also know I pushed you away, prevaricated, was ambivalent, and as unemotional as I could be....so, yes, I probably did treat you badly.  But I didn't mean to, and if I had any idea that my being totally casual would have hurt you (and, you must admit you were a bit unobtainable yourself),  I would have offered you my heart and soul (boneless, of course) on a platter. 




If only....




 My 2nd favorite blogger in the entire world wrote a post the other day (you can find it here <click!), and even though you weren't the only ex I am friends with, and certainly not the one I preached to her about, I thought about you when I read it.  Until I realized there is no way on the whole world I could ever be just friends with you...because I love you.  So much, that I absolutely had to give you up, since we are clearly not right for each other.  This isn't a Nora Ephron flick, this is my life.  So, seemingly insurmountable differences are just that.  That pains me a lot, you know.  I kind of thought we would exist in this quasi-relationship-type-scenario until one of us got married (not to each other, obviously), and then it would be over.  Then I realized, I have no chance of marrying anyone....even falling in love with someone, until I face up to the fact that you and I are over.  And should be over. Will I love anyone as much as I (think) I loved you?  Maybe not.  Do I wish things had worked out differently between us?  Well, duh!  I will regret you forever.  I won't regret letting you pick up on me---and you know you did!  I won't regret the time we actually dated---although I do regret that you think I treated you 'poorly'.  I won't regret the last 7+ years of ...well, whatever you call what we did.  Nor will I regret saying this---
I  love you. 
I am sorry. 
I will always regret that it didn't work. 
Always.
Do you think it hurts when you prune or thin plants?  I never thought about that before you, I just know that cutting back makes them stronger, and makes them bloom and fruit better...so that's what I wish you, WP, TC, BFG...Strong and fruitful days ahead of you....
Love,
me.

You lit me up like this.....  :)

OUCH!!!  That HURT, ya'll!!!  But, it felt good and honest, which is what this whole experiment is about.....

There are many people I thought about writing 5 things to....Nicole P-J, Nichole, Aubrey, Connor, Mikey, Kimberly, Nicole L., Helena, Jen-bug, Jason M-W, Fan, Nomers, Chloe, Dahlia, Monique, and forever ANN....so I just wrote off the top of my head.  I hope you guys know that I haven't even BEGUN to tell you  things, and I hope you always want to listen....

xoxo


PS - Just TOTALLY realized I forgot THE most important person on the whole wide world----

Meeeeeeeeeee-owwwwwwwwww.  That's it.
 

Ahem.  Dear Ryan Gosling:
Dooooooooooooooode...I am chubby, wrinkly, and have TONS of grey hair---how do you NOT have my #???????


heehee.
 

Something You Never Got Over - Day 22- 30 Day Challenge

Something You Never Got Over

 

 

 

I have always been super lucky to have great relationships....and I am not just referring to the Dating Game, but relationships in general.

 

Friends, co-workers, lovers, FWBs, neighbors, etc., etc., etc....except 1 or 2!

 

I have been so lucky to have so many fabulous people in my life, and I am always endlessly grateful for those relationships.

 

I have many people I have been friends with since I was a child, and I have managed to stay friends with some amazing people  from different phases in my life to this day.

 

Except one.

 

I have ended friendships that I felt no longer were healthy for me, seen friendships slip away slowly and - mostly - painlessly, due to distance, lifestyles, and other things that happen as one meanders this crazy planet in search of meaning, moments, and money. 

 

Ending relationships is sometimes painful, sometimes liberating, and sometimes joyful, and I have always been pretty philosophical about the life cycle of friendships/relationships/or whatever you call interactions with other human beings.  Always understood that, like bad fashion choices, questionable haircuts, and IKEA furniture, you sometimes have to leave people behind to move forward to the place you were meant to be; and I am usually pretty ok with that.

 

Except once.

 

 

 

This is the story of The One That Got Away.  The one person/experience I will never get over.  The one person that I think am constantly thinking about at totally random times and trying to figure out where this person would be if things had turned out differently.

 

 

This is the story of the Three Bimbos....

 

I met Sarita, aka Bimbo #1, Freshman year in math class.  We talked here and there, were in the same group a couple of times, and she was always nice....a bit loud, maybe, but very sweet. Never thought when I met her that she would be one of the most life-changing friends I ever had.

 

2 years later, during our Junior year, we became friends.  Not just any friends, mind, but best friends.  I really don't know when our casual 'Hi there's' in the halls became friendship, I just know that, all of a sudden, we were friends.  Nicoretta, aka Bimbo #2, I met through Cheer....I think.  Maybe I met her before then, I am not totally sure.  You see, once the three of us became a trio, it felt like we had always been friends forever...and that we always would be.

 

I am not sure which of us coined the phrase '3 Bimbos' (completely inappropriate moniker for 3 virgins who NEVER had boyfriends!), or who decided we should be Sarita, Nicoretta, and Margarita---don't judge us, we were 16!! 

 

I just know that we had the kind of friendship you see in movies. 

 

 

 

Always together, writing each other 3-way notes and passing them in the halls between classes, and lots of shenanigans.  We had crushes on boys and called each other "Mrs. [insert crushes last name here]" when we were not in school, we made plans to go to college together and continue our BFF-ness forward into life. 

 

Shit, we even made each other MIX TAPES.....and you know, in the '90's, if you made someone a damn mix tape, your asses were pretty much married!  We labeled our mix tapes S-N-M Jams (again, clever little virgins making sexual references that had no basis in reality!) and blasted them for weeks on end.

 

S. loved the mall.  I hated the mall.  That did not stop me from accompanying her to the mall whenever the mood, gas money, and me being sprung from the prison of my house struck.  S. would roll up my driveway in her Suzuki Samurai, I would run out the door, and we were off.  N. would either already be in the car, or we would grab her on the way out of town and we were OUT.  Burning down to Sacramento, blasting music, talking non-stop, having the police roll up behind us and use the bullhorn to shout at her to slow down.....that was the life.

 

N. and I. were cheerleaders, and S. would show up at games-not exactly because she was a big fan of football and basketball -- but to whistle and clap when we danced, grab us afterwards, and head off to Jack in the Box to hang out in the parking lot and see what we could see.  Small town, guys, so shut up.

 

 

Probably headed to Jack in the Box...

 

 

What can I say about the 3 Bimbos, and about S. in general?  Loving, silly, sweet, kind.  She had the most beautiful smile, the most gorgeous hair (and she knew it--she was always wearing it down and flinging it around!), a hilarious laugh, and some weird taste in music - or so it seemed to me at the time.  She would blast the Steve Miller Band and the Eagles when I was dying to listen to Boyz 2 Men or TLC, but she loved Nirvana as much as everyone else did, and would listen to Depeche Mode as often as I asked her to.  She would come to school and tell us about how her butt had striped burns from the tanning bed, write me notes to make me feel better when the love of my high school life was being flaky or weird, and she totally is mostly responsible for my 1st child being born, as she loved this dorky goody-two-shoes former neighbor of hers, and pushed me endlessly to 'go out' with him.

The three of us laughed together, cried together, and generally just loved each other....completely and unreservedly.  We sometimes held hands while walking around, and we always said "I love you" when we got off the phone.  We were three silly girls in the prime of our teen lives, we were best friends, and we were golden....

 

She should be standing right in front of that big guy.....

 

 

Spring Break came along, and we had been talking about a trip down to Santa Cruz to check out the town we were going to move to and attend college at, once we were done with NU.  I remember I had already talked my dad into approving it, and was nervously watching my mother for signs that would let me know it was a good time to ask. 

 

We didn't make it to Santa Cruz over Spring Break, because on April 16, 1992, my beautiful friend left us.  Forever.

 

There really are no words to describe the gut-wrenching soul-crushing agony of losing someone you love.  You either know it or you don't.  I'm not going to try to describe what the days and weeks and months after we lost her were like....I couldn't.

 

What I can tell you is this - I think about her all the time.  Not daily, but probably weekly.  I am always wondering where she would live if she were still with us, who would her husband be, how many kids would she have...Stuff like that.  



 

For many reasons, that aren't my place to state here, N. and I sort of drifted apart after that.  Our hearts were still so connected, and the love was definitely there, but the fact was that S. was not there anymore....and that absence, that void, was too painful to be in the same room with.  We still hung out here and there, and we still talked whenever we saw each other, but the simple fact is that the three of us were something larger than life and, without S., we were just us.  Two friends with lots of little things in common, and one major thing that we could never have in common again.  I think it was about 5 years before we could really hang out together and be the same friends we were before, without feeling crushed over what was lost.

 

 

 Sometimes I dream about S., even to this day.  And it's lovely, because she is always that same beautiful girl that never has a touch of glitter in her gorgeous curls (that's grey hair to you mere mortals), she doesn't have wrinkles, and she is exactly the same as she was the Friday I hugged her goodbye. 

 

But it's also awful; because, whether it happens in my dream, or whether it happens when I wake up----there is always that split second when the whole thing slams into me all over again.  It's a different kind of pain than it used to be, but it still hurts.  Sometimes, I will see someone with her hair, or hear a laugh that sounds like hers, and I always stop and look twice....just in case, you know?  And then I am reminded, again, that it could never happen....

 

 

N. and I are still friends, by the way.  We have gone years without talking here and there, but we can pick up right where we left off without missing a beat.  Over the years we have continued to laugh together, cry together, and we have shared in each other's lives from afar with love.  N. and I will always be friends.  I am fairly certain that when we are little old ladies, we will be sitting by some shore at sunset, drinking wine, and probably talking about our grandchildren.  I am looking forward to that, I truly am.  And maybe, just maybe, there will be some time where we can talk about our beautiful S., and bring her into that moment without it being sad, without breaking our hearts again. 

 

 

 

This should have been us....S. would have been the one hop-scotching!