(More Bounce In) California

Tres. 

We got kind of an early start, probably because D wanted to get out of the window seat/bed-thingie before his back gave out or something. 

We stopped to gas up Sisu, and I went into the store and had to buy deodorant because I left it, along with my platinum blonde wig, in Sacramento. 

So long, Daenerys-head! 

Because it was gas station deodorant, I had one choice: Baby Ass. 

Hooray! I LOVE wearing deodorant that smells like a baby ass…especially in the heat. LOVE IT! 

Anyway, as I returned to a newly-full Sisu, I saw 3 heads-up pennies sitting on top of the trash can. 

Hmmmm…trash pennies? 

Or good-luck pennies? 

Why not both? 

AND there were 3 of them. 

And there were three lucky, trashy (ok that is just me) humans on this trip. 

So, I took the pennies off the gas station trash can, cringing at the feel of COVID, hepatitis, cocaine, and spilled Slurpee that tickled my palm as I did so. I immediately coated the pennies in hanitizer foam, wrapped them in an In N Out napkin, and stowed them under the seat. 

More on the pennies later – it’s hella wholesome! 

Anyway, on the road again, our final sprint to sunny San Diego and the Zeez!! There was music, gossip. shit-talking, snacks, some tap dancing (again, just me), and lots of laughs. We started counting Jeeps – THEY ARE EVERYWHERE, BTW, it’s like a fecking invasion – something we would do over and over on the trip. 

The lack of jeeps in this photo is not representative of our drive, but the gorgeous scenery deffs is!

 I thought it was cute when I started to do it that day, but by the end of the trip I would rather have counted anything but MFing Jeeps. 

 (I still love you Sisu, Togo, and whatever the hell N finally decided to name his Goldfish Cracker-colored baby) 

I think we were just past LA when these totally pimped-out cars started appearing ahead of and around us. 

Custom paint, airbrushed skulls and comic villains, and cool rim$. 

It was pretty cool watching them out the window as we went through the lovely SoCal stop-and-go traffic, but I tried not to stare too much because all of the mamas behind the wheel looked like they were in a bad mood. 

But that may just be because of the way their eyebrows were drawn on. 

One of my favorite things about our trip was all of the people-watching I got to do. 

 I am the driver 98% of the time I go anywhere, so sitting in the back of Sisu as D piloted us hundreds and hundreds of miles over the surface of the planet was rad bc I got to watch all the other humans in their cars. 

 People eating – one lady was deadass eating a whole entire pizza – talking on their phones, texting, making Tik Tok videos, fighting, smoking. 

 It was wild. I am sure somewhere out there on I-5 someone was getting road head, but I never saw that, in spite of my optimism that I would, so I could record them and make a Tik Tok video. 

FINALLY, we reached San Diego, took our rapid COVID tests, raided the liquor store whilst awaiting the results – negative, obvs – and then met the Zeez at Rubio’s for tacos and a lot of salsa. 

D before cautiously doing his swab.  For whatever reason, I chose to clean my prefrontal lobe with mine. My eyes watered for an hour.

 We then went to the Zeez house, where I am pretty sure we started drinking immediately, even though it was, like, not 5:00 anywhere near us. 

(Ok, that was probably just me) 

Buzzed and basking at, like THREE IN THE AFTERNOON. 

 The rest of the afternoon was fun and chatting and catching up and just basking in being relaxed with our friends, knowing we had days to relax and hang out and make the Super-Duper Best Road Trip Ever memories. 

 It was glorious. 

We then went and checked into our hotel, where it was clear that they had either just varnished the furniture, or their sanitization process involved turning all of the ‘wood’ surfaces into the same gunk that is in the La Brea Tar Pits. 

No Bueno. 

A quick room change, and we were off. 

Uh, this is basically what happened next. 

 I am not sure if I was the ‘friend’ or the ‘me’ in this scenario or which one C was. 

 I think both! 

 There was more dancing, I believe I tap danced to All that Jazz in the living room, an entire bottle of Absolut Something-or-Other was consumed by C and me, and a shit ton of sushi was delivered with tobiko on, like, every roll even though I wrote NO EGSS all over everything. 

 I ate it anyway, but DAMN I HATE FISH EGGS! 

Finally, D decided he was going to stay at the Zeez instead of spending the night in a hotel room with 2 “walking bottles of vodka in human form.” (Thank you, Chandler Bing), so he took us back to the hotel and went to get his bags while we loitered outside smoking 

(I know, I know, DO NOT @ me, please!). 

We went inside and were immediately lost. 

 Since we were unable to remember the number or location of our room (I know, I KNOW!), we made the brilliant – if terribly obnoxious decision to run around the hotel, calling D’s name down the halls and sticking our key cards in every door we went past. 

I know. 

IknowIknowIknow. 

 Like, I have been having to travel for work a lot over the last couple of months, and every time I am woken in my hotel room by an obnoxious, inconsiderate a*hole either in the halls or above me, the flames of indignation are immediately smothered by the torrent of shame at what C and I did that night. 

Terrible. 

Just awful. 

I am sure all of the poor humans in that hotel would have rather met these 2 in the hall than C and me.  

Anyway, C either went to the front desk and drunkenly convinced the clerk to give her the room number or D found us. 

In any case, we jumped on the beds and danced around for ages and then eventually passed out. 

I am not sure if C snored, but since I fell asleep intoxicated, you can be sure that I did.

 I woke up with the swollen and sore nasal cavity– among many, many other ailments – to prove it. 

Sleep tight, drunkies!