Let's Talk About Sex

Um, so...

Yeah.

You know when people say things are better than sex and you are, like, "Whhhhaaaaatt?"

Like, um, NO SUSAN, your strawberry cream-cheese bites are not 'better than sex"

Or, NO HELEN, your "seekrit fambly resoppee" broccoli casserole is not better than sex.

Like, YO, ladies...if you are having a magical gustatory experience and you claim it is better than sex then you are CLEARLY not having the right kind of sex.

Just saying...

However.

I had an experience today that - while I can honestly say it is not better than sex-  it could seriously be a suitable replacement during these uncertain times when life is all topsy-turvy and men are trash.

That experience is stretching.

About a month ago, I was shown a video of 'stretch gyms', where you go lay on a table and let someone stretch you out and apply a set of straps and giant, vibrating massagers to your muscles.

They push and pull and contort you in some very interesting ways.

Looked interesting, and - in the most ambivalent way - both relaxing and stimulating.

I promptly forgot all about it.

Until last week.

I got an email that a local 'stretch place' was offering free consultations.

I signed up.

I got stretched today.

It was fucking glorious.

Like, massages are the shit, but have you ever been stretched?

My boy Cody did a medical assessment, discussed my fitness goals, and then...

MF went right to town on my muscles.

It was fucking glorious.

I left that place glowing like a candle.

COVID has put a serious damper on my sex life, and food and booze make me fat, so they are out as coping strategies.

45 minutes of having my limbs pulled and stretched and I am a new woman.

$400 a month to get this done 2X per week?

TAKE MY MONEY.

Look, if you need a slightly transcendental experience and you don't want to take drugs or have sex with random dudes off of Tinder, then I highly recommend you call "Stretch Zone" in Vancouver and get your stretch on.

Worth every penny.

I am totally giving up sex in favor of getting stretched.

Maybe not forever, but DEFINTIELY for the next 12 weeks.

I mean, starting on Friday.

Me after 12 weeks of glorious stretch!