50 First Dates

 Sooooo...

I have been using song titles as blog titles this year.

I'm switching to movie titles now.

50 first dates???

Naw, man.

KILL ME NOW IF YOU THINK I COULD STOMACH 50 TINDER DATES!!

I feel like the girl in this picture is trying to find ways to make things more awkward.  Or maybe that's just  me.

I just decided I am the Worst First Date Ever.

Like, I already talked about how shitty Tinder people are for lying and using old pics and being bald - not that there is anything wrong with that - or saying raccoons are gross.

But, nevertheless, I persisted...

And it was still almost utter shit.

So, I retired from Tinder.

I've retired from online dating forever, actually.  I mean, I wasn't even trying to date in the first place, but I managed to make my life super weird anyway.  So that's it.  Towel thrown in.  White flag waved.

Here is how my "dates" - although I prefer to call them 'meetings' - have gone in the last month:

#1.  Dude is hot AF.

-Homicide, with an actual corpse.

-Day drinking.

-Jameson.

-Public intoxication.

-Nudity.

-Attempted fornication.

#2. Dude is an artist.

-Also a retired porn actor.

-Literally asked to say "Daddy".

-Penis was offered to me as a "porn star dick".

-There was an anaconda..

-A goodbye pat on the leg accidentally turned into a ball-smack, so there was some human doubled over in pain as I, literally,  ran for my car.

#3. Funny, smart, educated, package of YUM.

-Pastoral, cinematic location with cows(!!) and a sunset, at a place called "Raccoon Point"

-Ticks.

-I cannot stress this enough...TICKS.

-I HAD 3 TICKS ON MY BODY THIS WEEK!!

-Like, pulled a tick off the back of my neck, grabbed one that was STROLLING DOWN MY FACE, and found another in my hair.  TICKS.

-I literally had to message him after on Insta and be, like, 'Yo, check yourself for ticks, man'

-Also, there were no raccoons.

If you name a place "Raccoon Point", I expect to see this when I get there.

I have officially retired from Tinder, ya'll.

FUCKING DONE.

Like, I didn't even call these 'meetings' "dates", but...

I'm SO done with online dating!  I am SERIOUSLY destined to be a spinster and that weird Aunt that shows up at birthday parties and weddings with her Greek pool boy in tow with way too much eyeliner and an inappropriately short skirt.

I am fine with that.

Like, I love The Odyssey, and I can get you a Green Card, so let's get shit poppin', Demitrious!

I am currently still talking to 4 dudes off Tinder, and I think that's enough right now.

3 I have met in person.  1 of whom is the best first meeting/date anyone had in the history of ever (he deserves his own entire blog post, so I won't mention him here when I am talking about train wrecks!)

1 I'm supposed to meet up with after my Epic Road Trip; I am sure I will find a way to make that awkward AF, and I am looking forward to the aftermath almost more than the actual meeting. 

0 are liars, fake, or not down to start a Raccoon Army.

But my Tinder profile is gone forever and I am sooooooo happy about it.

So, even though I feel like my Tinder experiment was mostly shit, I might have got exactly what I was looking for.

Which is absolutely nothing because the world is trash and we're all gonna die.

Also, this.

I'm just going to stay home and look at pictures of this guy forever.